in laws, the ones that suck. Female (and male) advice appreciated

So today is my wife's birthday, and I had a couple of plans. Due to some events they were cancelled. But what has me going is the fact that an in law decided it to do those things, without even giving me one detail. What's even more frustrating is that I even got to sit at home with the kids, after being told they'd be picked up.(Hoping I'd get to do something for her before she got back) Then she finally gets back(5 hours later) says hi and then proceeds to make more arrangements. We've been having problems the last couple of weeks and I thought id try and make up for it. Now I have 30 minutes left of the day to do that. Am I wrong for being pissed about that. Even tried to explain to my wife why I wasn't happy with how the day went and now its even worse, I don't know if I'm the one messing up or if I should just suck it up. I know its her birthday but I feel like I shouldn't be the last one in line. I understand I'm not entitled to be with her on her birthday but i feel like it should've been important, at least to some degree.

I don't normally use this forum but thought id try, maybe someone might have some type of helpful input.

Amst

a reply to: amsterdamn87

Strange coincidence, tomorrow is my wife's birthday.

Going to see the in-laws later.. Hooray... lol.

I just keep it laid back, I tell her she can do whatever she wants to do, it's her day.

Did you tell her about your plans or was it going to be a surprise?

a reply to: rockintitz
I told her bout the plans, and the rest of her family, we're staying with at the moment. And good luck with the inlaws.

a reply to: amsterdamn87

Well then you're not wrong to be pissed. You didn't break the plans.

Thanks man, best of luck to you as well.

a reply to: rockintitz
thanks for the input, I had no problem with my wife doing what she wanted, I didn't appreciate what was done behind my back, after the fact. Maybe I should have seen it coming, I tried to have this planned the beginning of this month. I only said something to the inlaws hoping maybe someone would be empathetic to what I was planning. The situation is f**** up and then on top of it, I'm the one ruining her birthday because I said something. Then she tells me not to be annoyed or upset and hang out with the same person that back stabbed me. Maybe I have anger issues but this time i feel its justified.

Sorry for the negativity, but if there's one thing I hate its being told how to feel during a situation.

On a lighter note happy birthday to your wife

Looking at it as if your playing a game (and really, you are), i see you standing on the sideline being ignored by the other players. Your pleading to go into the game goes unheard. That sucks when it comes to your spouse and in laws. They seem to think of you as somewhat of an outsider and have not welcomed you into the fold. I've been there. I was not respected by them. One had to meet certain criteria which was ever changing it seemed. One theme was constant, they couldnt help that they were better than most other people including me. When they DID include me, it was always on their terms, period. They mentioned several of her exes from time to time which i didnt give a # but i knew what they were doing. The last straw was when I didn't jump through one of their hoops when prompted. That was unacceptable and I was no longer tolerated, i was left out completely which i embraced and have no regrets. I hope your in laws aren't as bad as mine were. Your description rang bells though. I hate to say it but something just isn't adding up here. Keep your radar on high alert but stay cool and supportive if indicated. You probably already know deep down what's going on. Get outside yourself and recognize. Best of luck.

a reply to: Aboom
thanks that's pretty similar to how I'm feeling and no I can see the picture I feel like our relationship is on its last legs and the harder I try to salvage this relationship the worse it gets. This crap feels hopeless, I hope I'm not the one in the wrong, but ill find out in the end, I guess

Sounds like you are doing right. As you know it takes two to work on making it work. If shes gone cold your my hero if you can bring her back in. Sounds like you're gonna fight to keep it together. Your best move may be to suprise her by easing up on your pursuit, casually of course. Could reel her back that way but if she's of difficult nature then you may get ripped for it. What a mess it can be. Man I love women but i sure hate relationships.
a reply to: amsterdamn87

a reply to: amsterdamn87
How about buying your wife a nice present? If you already did then all you have to do is try to make this day all about her. Hope it helps... I have no idea of what am telling you... good luck.

As my wise father told me on my wedding day, you don't marry your in laws.
Mine were worse. So happy I'm divorced now.

I've been with my significant other for almost three years now. They hate me, still have yet to even meet her mother. I wished I could keep it that way, but they want to play nice. They arent nice people.

I feel your pain. Sorry, I dont have more advice.

Hate to say this, but from what I can gather, she's phasing you out. She is not so subtly showing you that her family and doing what they want is more important. Now, I'm no expert, but after recently going through a breakup after almost 20 years of marriage, I know the signs and your's is neon. Knowing you had plans for her birthday and then blaming you for being upset when a member of her family sabotaged them, is a big red flag. To me, it means she no longer cares if you spend time together, because she doesn't want to spend time together.

On the other hand, you said you've been going through a rough spell and it may be just that she's hurt and needs "her people" around to comfort her. Wait a couple weeks and see how it goes.

I'm not going to be popular with what I'm about to say, but here goes:

Your in-laws are the people who raised your spouse to be the person they are today! You know the old adage "if you want to know what a girl will look like and act like when they get older, just look at her mother"? It is absolutely true. Maybe not exactly, but pretty close. When we meet someone and fall in love (or lust), we tend to overlook the little idiosyncrasies we dislike, some of them a direct result of their upraising. Over time these "little" flaws magnify. But if you truly love that person, you have to accept the people who came attached to them. Owlbear, I respectfully disagree with your father. When your child grows up, will you want him/her to bow out of your life because of their spouse???

I love my in-laws. They raised my husband to be the man he is today. They are not perfect, but neither am I. My advice to anyone who is dating someone and thinking about marriage: if you don't like the family, chances are you are not going to make it for the long haul.

My $.02

The greatest gift you can give your wife is no drama with her parents. It can indeed suck and be hard to bite your tongue but it's worth it.

My husband and I always defer to each other when dealing with our respective in laws. It definitely helps keep the peace.

It's her birthday, let her spend it how she wishes and discuss it/deal with it later.

Sometimes a partner, particularly a guy, will try to over-compensate on a special occasion to make up for lack of care or attention day to day - when, really a marriage should be nurtured everyday. She may well resent the sudden attention and view it as inauthentic.

Thanks for the advice guys, at the moment I feel like I made the mistake thinking anything about this birthday would be different. I feel like I tried and I can't get through to her, I think this may be the start of the end and there's nothing I could do about it. I don't know if there's anything I can do to fix any of this anymore.

a reply to: MaxTamesSiva
The problem was I wasn't able to do anything because we didn't have the money and stuck in the middle of nowhere.

a reply to: amsterdamn87
Sad to here it, I really don't know what to say... hang in there.