Am I a bad son?

Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening!
Today it is fathers day, which has me feeling quite down, I would like to explain why this is, and perhaps receive some feedback that could change my perspective on the matter.

My father and I have never been too close, I myself an quote introverted in my nature, so I've never shared too much with him. Yesterday was his birthday, so I decided to buy him a meal and have a few pints with him at the pub he visits.
Now, as soon as we arrive, he is doing the rounds and greetings everyone, and introducing me to his pub-dwelling friends, I had no problem with this, I have no quarrel with handshakes. Whilst we were waiting for our meals, we sat outside with his friends and had a few drinks and a smoke or two, all whilst sitting in silence, I try so hard to produce interesting conversation, but all paths lead to a concrete wall of "Yeah".
After dinner, we had a few more drinks, and decided to move on to another pub, this place was full to the brim with your stereotypical nightlife, which made me somewhat unnerved, we got our drinks and sat down, once again not able to converse due to lack of subject. I bring up the fact that I'm not too good at talking, and this isn't my usual choice of activity, my father starts saying it's not my fault, he understands ect ect.

We then go home, and sleep.
Today is fathers day, and I was asked if I wanted to join him and his friend to have a few drinks, I politely told him I probably wouldn't enjoy it, and decided to make my own plans.

I'm now sitting on the train, on the way to a friends house, but I can't help feeling that I have done something wrong.
I apologize if this is too much to read for not alot of topic. I think I just needed to talk about it, perhaps it should be moved to rants, I'm unsure.
I know that if the roles were reversed, I would understand, but it's impossible to see from his perspective, and his thoughts are not mine.

Regardless of my worries and anxious thoughts, I wish you all a jolly good fathers day.
Peace to you all.

a reply to: Th3D0Ct0R

I feel for you, you're right and wrong at the same time. Guilt is a terrible thing. Perhaps as a way out you could plan something to do again with your father next weekend. I know its painful but even fathers are wrong some of the time. Just remember he is human as well, he has fears and doubts that he may not express when face to face with you.

a reply to: TheConstruKctionofLight

a reply to: Th3D0Ct0R

I don't see anything that you've done wrong; you spent time with your father, and then you elected to do what you wanted, which was different (possibly) than what he wanted. You were invited. If the invite had strings attached, then the invitation was fraught with peril, not you.

It would seem that you and you father both go your own way. No worries. If you can both find a place and space and time to enjoy an activity or two together, that might well be a good thing. I don't think you should pressure yourself about it thought. Just my opinion.

a reply to: Th3D0Ct0R

You aren't bad at all.

Also, guilt is pointless. What's done is done.

Sometimes wordless presence is a way of expressing that you like being around. It's a guy thing.

Perhaps send a text to your dad saying that you enjoyed being with him, it's just that with people you don't really know, you feel a bit out of place.

Also, wish him a happy father's day.

a reply to: Th3D0Ct0R

Whilst we were waiting for our meals, we sat outside with his friends and had a few drinks and a smoke or two, all whilst sitting in silence, I try so hard to produce interesting conversation, but all paths lead to a concrete wall of "Yeah".

That reminds me of my dad and I. I'd try to talk to him and all I usually got was a "Yeah" and more often a grunt.

I think it's a "bloke" thing. I definitely don't fit the manly stereotype, and I think that's where my problem lies.
I don't want to talk about football and cars and how short that girls skirt is.
It's like, a language barrier of sorts, and I hate trying to be someone other than myself.

a reply to: Skid Mark

a reply to: Th3D0Ct0R

It's like, a language barrier of sorts, and I hate trying to be someone other than myself.

Lmao, a language barrier is the perfect way to describe it. I'm guessing the people in this thread are from Australia because I believe fathers day is on a different date in the US. In Australia it's so annoying having to deal with the manly stereotype that men have been imposed with. I watch a lot of British and US television and I try to pronounce words correctly, so I have a very neutral/universal sort of accent, not that annoying high pitched tone that so many aussie men seem to adopt. A lot of the time it's hard for them to understand what I'm saying and hard for me to understand what they're saying, so there really is a language barrier. But I'm not going to start talking like an idiot just so they can understand me.

My dad doesn't expect me to take him out on Father's Day, normally just get him an iTunes voucher and a card and wish him happy Father's Day. That's enough. I wouldn't worry about it, just call him wish him happy Father's Day. That should be enough. As long as he knows your alright and at least checking in with him. I doubt he's got much more expectations than that?

a reply to: Th3D0Ct0R
In life there is a lot to learn and a lot to unlearn, the only way to be a good son is to be the best version of yourself. True to your own way of being, wether that pleases others or not. When you brake away from family conditioning you will feel much more yourself. Take the leap love your parents for what you have and at the same time move on, love them as people. Because you know what thats they are, people!no more or less at least in relation to you.

originally posted by: Th3D0Ct0R
I'm now sitting on the train, on the way to a friends house, but I can't help feeling that I have done something wrong.

I'd say it's a natural feeling for an introvert. You maybe feel that it's actually yourself you let down.

Don't feel guilty for being you. Everything is unfolding naturally.......and you spent time with your dad regardless. I haven't done that in over 25 years.

a reply to: Th3D0Ct0R

Yeah, sound's like you had a dad just like mine. Who always acted like he was the man and stood by you though life, as if he taught you how to be a successful & stable adult.

Truth is though, he was always just a selfish prick, who only ever looked after his own welfare.

Honestly.... screw fathers day and my old man in general!



Acting like I'm the selfish prick for not driving 200 km's down to Melbourne, to see ya for fathers day! When you always just left me to just rot as a teenager, only ever interested in your own enjoyment and was never prepared to sacrifice some time to teach me how to succeed in life.



Seriously dude, don't feel bad. It was him who wasn't prepared to make the effort. You are a unique individual and if he can't accept that, then its he's problem, not yours.


Its hard to just say F#it though, since we're all hard wired to try and impress our old man at any cost, no matter how much of a prick they are.

No. Your dad is a bad dad for wanting to go drinking with his buddies instead of spending time with you.

a reply to: Th3D0Ct0R

I'd not feel sorry or anxious.
My Father left when I was about 6 years old.
We didn't speak for over 25 years but then made an attempt to reconnect.
We probably met 3 or four times in ghe next 10 years.
I knew precious little about him and his life to be fair.
Sadly He was found Dead a couple of weeks ago and I found myself at His Funeral last Friday.
I knew all of 3 People there to begin with but was introduced to numerous members of my extended Family and a load of His Friends.
I began to discover from the stories I was told that we share a number of personality traits and heard all manner of tales of his adventures through Life.
I guess to 2 pence worth I'm trying to impart is that I didn't have the chance to get to know my Father but you do.
If you're both happy with the way things are then take soalce from that.
Not everyone is destined to get along regardless of their Family ties.
Do what you feel the need to do. Only you can decide what that is.

a reply to: Th3D0Ct0R

It's better to let the guilt go. You were kind enough to spent time with him on his birthday even when you felt awkward around his friends. That was a kind thing to do.

No reason to feel guilty about that. Even your own father said it's not your fault and he understands. He sounds like an understanding father. Based on his own words, I'm sure he understands and appreciates the effort you made to spend time with him even while feeling awkward.

That makes you a good son and him a good (understanding) father.

For a moment, I feared I was being a bad son and lost track of fathers day :p


edit: not a bad son, but man, you missed out on a chance to bond, he invited you into his circle, a loss for the both of you.

a reply to: Th3D0Ct0R

Doc... You aren't a bad son.

Hell, last time I saw my dad, I told him I would kill him if we ever met again. You are doing just fine

originally posted by: Th3D0Ct0R

I bring up the fact that I'm not too good at talking, and this isn't my usual choice of activity, my father starts saying it's not my fault, he understands ect ect.

I hope you don't mind - I would like to offer some insight based on my own similar family 'experience' and what I have learned about the psychology of family relationship dynamics:

It was good that you just came right out and told him what you were experiencing, and it looks to me as if he was sincere in trying to reassure you that he understood.

Also, I get the feeling that sitting in silence with you doesn't trouble your dad at all - it may feel perfectly natural to him to just 'not talk' if he doesn't have anything in particular to say..

You know, there's nothing 'unusual' about a parent and child simply not having enough in common to be able to converse easily - it's a very common thing...

...I have to work like a dog to come up with conversational 'material' when I'm alone with my dad! Here are a couple (somewhat) helpful things I came up with:

Most of it applies to any situations where you are struggling to make conversation with someone:

Instead of trying to "produce interesting conversation", think of questions you can ask him which require more than a 'yes or no' answer -
- the best way to come up with questions is to learn what sorts of 'topics' interest him -
- keep your eyes and ears open whenever you're around your dad and his friends, what do they talk about? What does he do in his spare time? If he reads the newspaper or anything, try to get a peek at what sorts of articles he reads most intently or comments on.

Anytime you're with him pay attention to where his attention 'wanders' to - like, walking down the street or in the underground, notice what sorts of things draw his eyes - certain things in shop windows, particular advertisement signs on buses or trains...this is how you gather food for thought as to formulating questions to ask that can be helpful in 'sparking' a bit of discussion (even just an exchange of a few sentences is enough).

When I know that I'll be getting together with my dad, I actually 'prepare' for the visit by sitting myself down for a thorough thinking 'session' where I make mental notes about things I've seen around town or in the news or whatever that I can try and 'get him' talking about (by asking his opinion, etc)...or...

...think thru your past week or so and see if anything you saw or that happened might could be used as an 'opener' (i.e. something like, "Hey, a friend at work was telling how he met his wife, and it got me wondering how you and mom met.") Maybe something reminded you of a childhood memory that you can ask him about..

-- Okay, sorry for all the unsolicited advice

Last thing: Just because you guys don't actively talk much, doesn't mean you aren't (in your dad's mind at least) 'close'. The main thing is to keep the lines of communication 'open' - even if they don't get much use

...your dad seems very accepting of listening to your feelings and appreciative of your company - and that can be a very rare trait which really shows that under the 'silent' surface, your dad cares about you and values your relationship.

P.S. As far as feeling guilty about turning down your father's invite to go out on Father's day -

- guilt over something like that is a waste of time and energy. Instead, just take a moment the next time you see him to express your feelings -
- tell him you feel bad about not going out with him on Father's day, but you had been feeling so uncomfortable about having such a hard time making conversation when you went out the day before, that you were afraid you would spoil his enjoyment of the evening...

...Oh, and before you approach him, you might want to think of some sort of 'closing comment' to express appreciating his being your father...

Thankyou all so very much.

I overthink so many things, and sometimes it just helps to hear a related story, or to get some third party insight.
I was not expecting half as many replies, and I never thought I would have my view altered.
Some of you that have assisted are people that I personally respect, due to the discussions you have each taken place in.
Lost Girl especially, as the Forgotten Languages thread was the reason I arrived at ATS, it was really a lovely surprise to see you comment.

So, once more for good tidings, I thank you all, for you have collectively helped a fellow human.