What To Do With a Loss of Trust?

My title sums it up. I have very recently joined this community and hoped to find a family. I came in order to find companionship and advice and this is the first time I shall ask. My blueberry, er girlfriend perhaps ex now, says she loves me, but does not know if she can trust me. I love her with all my heart. We have recently come to be together for half the year. The same Friday my mind wasn't right and I said something behind her back to a mutual friend, that was true. This Sunday I will be seeing her to talk face to face what to do. I know I will end up crying. I love her. What am I to do as a young and lost soul? I will not simply give up. Hope I make sense. It's midnight and I'm a bit apathetic now.

Don't say things behind her back. If you do that, you really don't love her. You just need her to fill a void in your life.

a reply to: Baldryck
The fact what I said wasn't about her or bad or lies. She was lying to a friend. Or well. Hiding information from a friend. But regardless I do love her and your solution is fine, but only if a first solution brings back the trust.

Give'em the finger.
You can make up later.

a reply to: skunkape23
That sounds like horrible advice...

If it was something you felt was a mistake and feel bad about, then apologize to her. I don't know exactly what you did for her to lose trust, but it seems like you didn't set out to purposely hurt her feelings.

a reply to: Tiamat384

Trust is extremely important, but you haven't disclosed the situation in exactly how you broke her trust, so I can't say how bad it is.. But regardless it seems like words, and you could use this as a growing experience. Now of she thinks you betrayed her because you want another woman, well that relationship is doomed. If it's so soon especially, I really dont know the context so I don't think it's appropriate other than to offer general advice. Listen if you love her disclose everything tell her you were wrong, and don't do it again. When you make an apology mean it, because she will be counting them in her heart you better believe that!

Broken hearts are full of broken promises.

I wish you the best brother.

Respect and Trust. The two easiest things in life for someone to lose and the hardest things to get back.


You can win trust back. It just isnt so easy the second time. Show that you mean it. Apologize. It is a start.

a reply to: Tiamat384

You have to figure out in your own head why what you did is wrong and explain the entire thing to her, and why you won't be doing it again. If you think what you did was right and you tell her this, she won't trust you again in any case.

Look recently for me trust was lost both ways.. Only thing was some crazy attraction pulling us together, we worked through it, and now we trust each other again. The new trust came from hours of new conversations about how each of us felt, and how the other person made us feel..

A lot of work, and it payed off.

If I knew my girl was lying to someone I would pressure her until she gives in, unless it's not really my business to do so. I wouldn't go behind her on decisions though. You know for me, a lot of trust comes in relationships from respecting each other as part of a team. so like you went off and made your own move that involved her and affected her, but she wasn't consulted..

Learn from it..
Think about it,
and tell her what you have learned,
and you didn't mean to make her feel like you were going behind her back.
but now you see that's exactly what you did,
and you're sorry.

Best of luck.

a reply to: Tiamat384

I have always found trust to be an issue of deep complexity. On the one hand, one may be able to trust a person with ones heart, and that is a noble thing to be able to say of them. On the other hand, I trust politicians to backstab and destroy everyone and everything, constantly.

Trust is not the be all and end all. If I can trust that a person will misinterpret my motivations for everything I do, just to give them an excuse to loathe me, then what use is our association? If I can trust that a person will fail to trust me, then what is to be gained by continuing to know them?

There is a couple down the road who trust one another implicitly. The husband trusts the wife to screw most of his closest friends behind his back, and the wife trusts that her husband will spend sixty percent of their household income on gambling. There is an awful lot of firm trust there.

I would say, that you should have been able to say what you said, and have your lady trust that you had the best intentions, and contrary to popular understanding, that intentions are very much the critical factor in deciding the worth of an action. You see the good trust, the real trust between couples, should be that they both trust one another enough that even when they go against the others wishes, they trust that their partner acts in their best interests in all things, no matter whether the outcome or the method is palatable.

If you do not have that, then you might as well give it up.

a reply to: Tiamat384

Love has to be broad enough to encompass both your better side and your faults. Talking these over helps your partner understand you and you understand them. We can't be all things to each other, only who we are.

originally posted by: Tiamat384
a reply to: Baldryck
The fact what I said wasn't about her or bad or lies. She was lying to a friend. Or well. Hiding information from a friend. But regardless I do love her and your solution is fine, but only if a first solution brings back the trust.

Why did she hide information from a friend and why did you decide to give the friend that information?

There's a real issue there. Did your girlfriend have a good reason not to disclose that information and how much trouble did you cause by overriding her wishes on the subject and telling that friend the truth?

It's not surprising if she would hesitate to confide in you again if there is a chance you'll just go off and tell everybody. On the other hand, how do you feel about someone expecting you to lie for them or hide the truth?

I think a lot depends on how important the information was that she wanted to hide and that you need to understand that you don't know better than she does who deserves to know facts about her life.

Either you are on her side, or you are out.
There should be no guessing if she trusts you or not.
If your love for her is deep enough, there would be no accidents like that.
Think about that - you should be her champion, for the both of you.

Maybe you can make her feel better, maybe she will be suspicious long after.
But do not stay with someone who has their own motives for why they are suspicious of you - it's nearly impossible to know what happened in her life before meeting you that caused her to have issues with trust.
That is a type of baggage that some good hearted men don't take as being a major flaw.

This may sound mean.... if a woman says she doesn't trust me ... I say this to her "You can trust that I can easily walk away, that's a sure bet. So if we wanna be together, I don't need suspicion looming over my head - if I'm with you, it's because I want to be with you."

a reply to: Tiamat384
Thank you everyone for your well written responses. My reasons for my actions are issues psychologically and having been perhaps mentally impaired at the time, if that is what I may call it. I wasn't thinking right and my mind overall is a mess with which I have a possible explanation though that doesn't matter right now. I simply told a friend she was being left out. There is in no way it is suspected I am after another girl, as I am not. I can see another girl and many may find her "gorgeous" or whatever term I can see nothing desirable. I thank you, but do not say that I do not love.