posted on Jul, 15 2015 @ 01:50 AM
originally posted by: TacticalStats
O Athens, queen of cities! How fair your Navy Yard!
How fair your Parthenon! How fair your Piraeus!"
O Athens, you don’t understand true grandeur.
Polybius knew that we, Carthage,
Are more exercised in maritime affairs than any other people.
Then came Rome, Devils in their own.
Hannibal created Scipio,
Zama gave birth to our final survival.
We gave up our elephants,
We surrendered our weapons.
Our hair made new bows,
Our silverware, new weapons.
Our lives bought our immortality.
That is fairly good. You should have a rhythm if not a rhyme, when writing poetry. That is a good draft.
I am a poet, have been published.
I do love the second and third verses, The first just needs editing. The last line is way too long.
A s a first draft it is very good. Every part could use small fixes.
edit on 15-7-2015 by reldra because: (no reason given)
Would the ships at port been described as a Navy yard? That doesn't seem to fit.
edit on 15-7-2015 by reldra because: (no reason
given)
I am also going to assume you are the writer on the site where this poem appears.
edit on 15-7-2015 by reldra because: (no reason
given)
Oh god, part is 'fragment from a lost comedy'. I doubt there is a copywrite issue, but you should not do that in poetry.
"Oh Athens, queen of cities!
How fair your Navy Yard! How fair your Parthenon! How fair your Piraeus!
Fragment of a lost comedy."
sourceedit on 15-7-2015 by reldra because: (no reason given)
and here
source Has more of the poem
edit on 15-7-2015 by reldra because: (no reason given)