Finally out of my abusive relationship, looking to start again!

originally posted by: ManBehindTheMask
I know that I need someone who loves sites like ATS

If I ever learn my GF browses ATS or GLP I run away and never look back.

One crazy in the couple is already too much.

a reply to: galadofwarthethird

Well...this is a diverse group of forums, and this is in fact the "relationships" category, so as odd as it might be amid all of the more typical forum topics, it is indeed the right place for a post like this

MBTM,

Thank you for posting this thread topic. I thought about making one myself, but I don't really even know where to start.

I wonder if, having been through an abusive relationship and really contemplating it (as you seem to), you find yourself kind of overly sensitive to toxic behaviors in other relationships that you witness? I mean, do you pick up on signs of abuse in the relationships of others so much that it bothers you and makes you want to avoid them?

I got out of a really bad relationship a year ago. We were miserable together for almost 11 years. We were emotionally abusive and physically violent with eachother. We were horrible for eachother in so many ways. We made eachother monsters. A decade is a long time to build up grudge upon grudge. I learned that every single one matters. You can't let something become a grudge in your relationship, you have to address hurt feelings immediately with compassion and make an effort to understand one another. We never could, from the very beginning. I admired him, believed him to be smarter (better educated) than I was, but (or because) I felt he was very critical of virtually everything, I never really got comfortable expressing myself to him. We could talk/argue all night long about ATS topics, but we couldn't communicate and connect with eachother on an emotional level, from the beginning.

I've thought alot about the mistakes I made to help turn that relationship into the horror it was... I took everything he said too seriously. He had an opinion on everything and he voiced every opinion with the same tone of certainty. Not opinion, in most cases, no, absolute "fact". I tried to make mental note of his likes and dislikes from the beginning and along the way, so that I could hopefully avoid subjecting him to his dislikes. This strategy never worked well, because he is a Gemini and he is very much like a Gemini, not at all "fixed" I could say. Also, his Moon is in Leo, so on his inner/darker emotional side he's very self-centered, narcissistic, requires alot of petting. Whether anyone believes the astrology stuff or not, it describes him pretty well. He went through alot of experiences in his life that brought him to the extremes of those traits over time. I understand him now, to some extent, but I didn't know how to react to him and communicate with him and connect with him emotionally.

More than a decade ago, age 19, I wasn't contemplating these things and looking at how we were building our relationship with brick walls of grudges. I don't know if it could have been a healthy relationship had we reacted differently to eachother in an emotional context, or if he's just mentally unstable... He was never in a serious relationship before me, so I don't know if he would have been abusive with someone else. I had not been in an abusive relationship before, though I lived with a boyfriend when I was 17-18 and it was relatively non-abusive (he cheated on me with a girl at a music festival, I forgave him, then I dumped him half a year later because I just felt like not living with him anymore). I'm just saying, I didn't know back then about healthy relationships, emotional connection, or myself as an individual. Looking back from here, it's almost inexplicable how we got stuck together and brought out the absolute worst in eachother, rationally inexplicable. Not rational at all.

Which brings me back to the topic of my response. If you have close friends and family who you're intimate enough with to observe their behavior together in their relationships and listen to them talk TO YOU about their issues, do you notice toxic behaviors? And if you do, do you point it out and try to discuss it with them or do you just avoid those people? I've taken to just avoiding those people, rather than calling them out on it, because I don't want to possibly engage in conflict with them. They can be vicious.

Congratulations on getting out of an abusive situation. I wish you the very best.