I wonder what madness is like...

Hello again ATS, its been a long time since I felt the need to stick my foot in the snakehole that is the BTS rant forums. I'd be throwing my opinions into this website left and right if I could, just like the old days, but I no longer have a stable internet connection, so I can only post on occasion.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's wondered what madness is like, but that's a vague description of what I'm thinking and feeling every day, in my dreams and in my waking life.

I'm sure I've made a post like this before in the past couple years, but eh... as I grow a little older, I feel the need to reword everything I say so I don't sound quite as young as I actually am. I apologize in advance if I sound self-absorbed in this rant... but please remember that this thread is just that; a rant.

It feels as though everything important is trying to split me in two.

By "everything important," I mean things that hit me close to home; things that are honestly, as I see it, the roots of everything that we all live for. Some of it is in our individual feelings, our heaviest despairs and our most bright memories, and of course, those people in our lives that we feel we simply can not live without. Even the most introverted of us have those select few loved ones.

And, some of it is in the large scale, monumental, life-altering decisions made out of our reach, and that dictate the future of our families, the laws we live by, and how we're allowed to live. The constant anticipation of war, or of the end of America, or something in the fragile and broken balance of power and rebellion to slip out of place and cause a collapse.

I am blessed to have a fiance and a few friends who can openly talk about a variety of different topics; I've gotten rid of some of my unfavorable friends, and those I'm left with--usually--are incredibly reasonable, and I can relate to them on many things. These close loved ones, when they drift into a deep conversation, are able to tell one another their thoughts on each other; what character traits about that person they find annoying, what traits they find admirable, etc. And its fantastic that they can all talk so openly.

But, I find myself conflicted when I speak my own mind.

Some of my friends very openly state that they don't care for the bigger picture. Ebola, vaccine controversy, false flag attacks, net neutrality, the patriot act, NDAA, fema camps, illegal immigration, just about everything that makes up the alternative community's news forums... and everything that impacts us--as a country AND a species--so heavily, we can barely comprehend it. And every time I ask them about their opinion on one of those topics, 9 times out of ten, their first response is "I don't care." And, they seem very relaxed in their beliefs. They are intelligent people--and, regarding to issues in their everyday lives--they usually have some very moving insight--but absolutely NONE of that insight is used on the world around them.

When you rant about how others "don't care" about the same things you care about, you usually get a lot of responses like, "Who are you to dictate what they care about?" Please don't shoot that argument at me, I've heard it a zillion times. And the answer is; I am NOT trying to dictate what they care about, I am only suggesting that--after a certain national or international level of intensity is reached--you no longer have the right to relieve your individual responsibility of the matter, because its no longer ABOUT you. It is much BIGGER than you, and you have an obligation to care. We live in a comfortable age in a mostly comfortable country, and a lot of us mistake that comfort for sanctuary. But you ALWAYS have to care. That comfort can be snatched out from under you in a heartbeat.

Many people, friends AND family, have gotten angry with me when I try to talk to them about false flags or the possibility that vaccines can damage your child (I do not believe that ALL vaccines are bad, but I do believe that they are sometimes a huge gamble). My ex of four years sometimes resorted to screaming at me and sometimes suggested that I was lacking in intelligence because I didn't believe the same way he did (that reptilians and satanic jews are behind the new world order). My mother and I have gotten into heated debates quite a lot in the past, during which she told me that I was "driving myself mad" and this whole "conspiracy thing" is going to eat me alive. Well, so what if it does? Why would I want to live a sane life if I'm living with no purpose? If I'm ignoring all the things in our world that truly, painfully matter?!

She's not the only loved one to tell me that they wished I "never found out" about any of this stuff. I guess everyone else is seeing me transform into an awful monster because of my *obsession* with the truth. Well, I don't regret anything. Newsflash--the world isn't always nice, happy, or comfortable. I THRIVE for the pain that could open my eyes in ways I can barely wrap my mind around. I CRAVE reality, and it seems that everyone around me wants me to hide from it. Well... tough.

That brings me to one of my points; when you love and care about so many people who don't care, and have no interest in caring, and don't particularly handle the information well when you give it to them, what can you do?

You can't exclude them from your life. You can't change their minds, either. I guess your only option is to embrace the conflict and continue on the path you're following, because you know that you're trying to do the right thing. I've seen sparks of insight in my loved ones before. They're amazing people.

Its also particularly difficult to "wake people up" when you're not sure if you have all the facts straight yourself. I struggle with small details, and I always have. Sometimes, the issues are difficult to explain, and sometimes I realize that I know very little about them, and I question weather or not I'm even worthy of fighting in the infowar. I know I'm probably not saying anything new to any of you; if you're on this site, then chances are, you've probably experienced all of this too, at some point or another.

I feel guilty when I try to put my heart into anything that's unrelated to the infowar. That's why I've never finished any of my stories, written or drawn. But lately, I've realized how to combine the two; and now, I'm putting more effort into my current project than I've ever put into anything before. Its a graphic novel called "Doomsday By Design." My art isn't all that amazing, but its good enough that I can be proud of it, along with the characters and story, and the intent behind them.

Sorry if it seems like I'm telling my whole life story. I prefer not to feel like I'm hiding anything when I rant.

The *madness* comes from everything I stated above, along with the fact that I've been trying to find a job for months to no avail, because I have no transportation and no way to get transportation. Ever since I graduated, its been nearly impossible to advance in life. Still, I've had jobs before, and I know that I will get back on track if I just keep trying; but its absolutely INFURIATING when you see a huge group of protesters heading to Bilberberg, and you can't join them simply because you don't have the means. I don't care what anyone's beliefs are regarding protests; I would give ANYTHING to be there.

--(Continued)--

I know you haven't finished posting (as I pist is) but I've spent a night in maned ness before and I never, ever, ever, ever want to be there agin. Nor will I ever put myself in a situation to attract such a feeling.

It's like you against the world. Scary. Insane. Confusing yet at the time you don't feel you are confused- you believe everyone else is.

I ended up throwing myself infront of a speeding taxi only to go through the windscreen, jump up and run away. That, right there, is true madness.

a reply to: XxNightAngelusxX

Greetings XxNightAngelusxX!

Good to see a good old fashioned rant from your good self!

Madness, insanity is a tricky subject. Some people believe that madness is a chemical imbalance in the brain, bought on by a variety of possible causes, or a combination thereof.

I however, look at things a little differently. Insanity is the only logical response to a world gone mad. That is the credo by which I have lived and reasoned on this planet my whole life! You would have to be stark staring, bug eyed, cross wired, short circuited and generally cogitationally malfunctional in order to remain perfectly sane on this crazy, messed up planet, having to mix with all these psychotic apes with delusions of grandeur!

Humanity is a crazy, and dangerous thing to be around for any length of time, and it likes to mess on its own doorstep too. I would not recommend it to anyone!

What I am trying to get at, is that there is no way to look at the military industrial complex, big oil, big agribusinesses, the banks, the governments of the world, and all the other substructures underlying the foundations of the modern world, and just be ok with it all, not unless you had your eyelids grafted shut first! If you have lived a life, and known the world in any capacity worth a damn, then you know that it is not a sane place. The strong are protected from the weak, the fat and rich are fed yet more, while the starving are allowed to waste away, banks are paid not to fail, and paid when they do, and politicians prove to the people every day that they are not fit to breathe air, let alone represent peoples needs, and yet people still vote for the bastards!

Now... You can look at these things and have no reaction to them if:

a) you genuinely have no ability to conceptualise the real world.
b) you have no wish to conceptualise the real world.
c) you believe the real world is a lie, told exclusively by socialist agents, to destabilise capitalism, democracy, and freedom.

But otherwise than that, the realities of the way the world works on a fundamental level, are aggravating enough that anyone who has an intellect larger than that of the average baked vegetable product, cannot look upon these things without wanting to push a large piece of broken masonry through someone's aorta!

I agree with you though on one point. I do not believe that there is any legitimate argument now, if there ever was, for not being engaged with matters political, with the exposure of lies, with the upholding of truth! It is the duty of every human being on this planet, who values freedom, respect, honour, and integrity, to make their governments aware that they are being watched, that corruption will not be tolerated, that every department is under scrutiny, and every official being gone over with a fine tooth comb. The world needs to stand up to the organ grinders, and get them to give the crank handle back to the people, where it has belonged all this time!

I do not just deny ignorance. I do not even accept it as an option, for myself, or for anyone else either!

What you do is come here with people who are more open-minded and discuss whatever your little heart desires, and keep things more main stream with family and friends at home who don't get it, or don't want to. If you're lucky, you'll eventually meet more like minded people in your off line life and can finally be yourself and not have to worry about what they think.

hey OP! and anyone else interested in this very thing--read this book! JOHNATHAN STRANGE & MR NORRELL Much of it concerns this very enigmatic question--one of the main characters wonders this too and finds out. To find out how, you will have to read it. It's my favorite book, coincidentally. Totally unique. Not another book like it.

My internet cut off unexpectedly. . now I'm on my phone. I pretty much summed it up in the first op.

a reply to: Samyell

Jesbus 0_o

I'm sorry that happened, thanks for telling your story. But in those moments when you feel hopelessly lost--I know its a little different for everyone--I personally have never felt any draw towards suicide. I have done a couple things that I would consider the same level of *madness* as what you have done, but none of them were directed at myself. I seem to target the world around me when it happens...

Its powerful that you're able to tell others about that experience, and thanks for the feedback.

a reply to: TrueBrit

You've been very helpful and comforting for me tonight, its good to talk to you again. Thank you for your insight, it really helped.



I have read everyone's responses, thank you. Its nice when we all share a similar feeling of misplacement, isn't it?

Are drinking faster than normal, you appear to faster, a reply to: TrueBrit

a reply to: XxNightAngelusxX

I understand your feelings. I also understand those of those around you, who don't care about the same issues.

You know the serenity prayer?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

The reason this is meaningful is in the mastering of emotions.
We stimulate emotions in our body with our thoughts. When we judge something as "bad" or "wrong", or not as it should be, our body prepares for action- to do something about it.

Hormones are produced, blood goes to our muscles, our heart rate and blood pressure is effected, our level of mental alertness is heightened, our pain awareness is reduced.

If we use that in action, it is good and useful. If we don't, it circulates in the body unused, building up toxic wastes, causing what we call "stress". In the long term it causes some organs to be over-used, and to begin malfunctioning.


When you spend a lot of time doing this over events or things that you cannot take action against, you not only effect your physical and mental health negatively, you end up "wasting energy" in a sense- caught up in these "bigger" concerns, your mind is not focused on the smaller ones, and your body is unable to produce enough energy for them.

Everyday challenges in your personal life do not get the attention and action they need.

That is a detailed way of saying-
Many people feel the type of concerns you are speaking of are out of their ability to change, and do not want to waste energy on worrying about them. They consider it more important to attend to the details of their own everyday life instead. There is a measure of validity there.
Consider the advice if you are in a plane which is de-pressurizing- put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. You are not very helpful to those around you if you are weakened.

On the other hand, I am here, on this conspiracy site with you... so don't mistake me for someone who doesn't care and doesn't think it can be constructive to examine such "bigger" concerns!!

But balance is an important part of that.
-For me, to be healthy, strong, and clear, mentally and physically.

-For others because we are each an example of our expressed opinions and principles.

Whatever you say, people will look at you to ascertain- what does this sort of thinking lead to? If I adopt it too, how will it effect me and my life?

I know a guy (well, a relative) who spends a lot of time preaching about some very serious societal issues, some of them very relevant and pressing. But he is homeless, dirty, smelly, irresponsible, often hungry, usually on drugs. He gives these very important issues a bad rap, through the way he has driven (or failed to drive) his own personal life. It causes people to quickly ignore whatever he has to say.

That is an extreme example- please do not think I am accusing you of being such a case! It is just easier to illustrate a point with examples that are a bit extreme.

Just trying to support the idea of balance and understanding of each other.

a reply to: XxNightAngelusxX

I am glad that my post was useful!

Its good to speak to you too! I hope that your life is continuing to provide you with reasons to smile, as well as reasons to rage against the machine, as it were.

The nice thing about being mad, is that you don't know you are...

I definitely know the feeling though. Be happy with the friends you have, cause there is something worse then the feelings you described... Feeling lonely. Imo.