Finally telling her about my feelings.

a reply to: ThePro

Ah, Angus, your story is so touching!

It made me think of the guy I was so in love with when I was a kid, for many years. We lived nearby each other, were in the same classes. He had no interest in me, but I was in love with him. I never let him know it. In highschool, I moved away and never saw him again. But he still haunted my dreams, even much later as an adult.

Later I fell in love with someone else, I married, I had kids. Every once in a while I'd have a dream where we would find each other.

Less then a year ago, when some friends from childhood found me on Facebook, he was one that "friended" me. I didn't say anything directly to him, it was just so weird having all those memories arise.
What was weird though, was to realize that the man I married, (and am still in love with) physically has much in common with him.... as does his personality. As if this boy became a template for my idea of the ideal mate, and I applied it (subconsciously) as a reference the rest of my life.

He commented on a photo of me as a teen, saying I was beautiful, and I wonder if I had been wrong- if he would have been interested if he'd known how I felt back then.

There is something cathartic for me in reading that you dared to express it, and take the risk. Perhaps you will find the perfect girl for you... maybe she will have qualities that you liked so much in this girl- and more.

You will heal, trust in that!

She was obviously your first, true love. (Girls love this stuff! There is nothing finer on this God given Earth than a man confessing his love for a woman!) No one ever forgets that first true deep love. God willing, I hope you see her again and things work out. I hope you marry her and have 20 kids and live happily ever after! I really do!

However, don't ever try to replace her. You will never find another woman who will hold up to her. You will find that when you are ready to settle down, really settle, you'll probably be surprised at how different your new choice will be.
You'll be older and wiser, and have had enough woman come into your life that you will see how some things aren't quite as important as they were any more. What will matter is...is she kind? loving? smart? thoughtful? is she strong enough to stand on her own two feet if you can't be there? is she careful about money? does she like your family? is she healthy?....ALL very important things when picking that one last sweetheart that will stay with you forever. And you probably won't care if she was married once, has a kid or two, can't change a tire, loses her cell phone all the time, is not the best cook and wears a size 10 instead of a 2. You'll know her when you see her. Then, you will experience true love again.

a reply to: Grovit

Nah it's all good, I know where you're coming from. I guess when we were in the same class I got to see her everyday, and i dont know I guess I learned a lot from seeing her everyday and during class conversations.

Because now I really do know a lot about her, not necessarily her favourite colour, but the different looks on her face the types of jokes she likes etc.

a reply to: threeeyesopen

It holds me back quite a bit actually
, sometimes I think to myself "what if i had great teeth? Would we be together, could I have talked to her more and gotten closer to her?

a reply to: Bluesma

Thank you, its great to know I'm not the only one. Can I asked you something though, are you still in love with the guy you met as a child? And if so does it effect how you love your present partner? Sorry if its too personal to answer I understand if you dont want to.

a reply to: smcneil01

Thank you for being so honest. I really want to go after her but I get the sense she isn't in to me, and all the suggestions point to the fact that she's into girls not guys. On top of that she is moving to The US which dont get me wrong I would move there in an instant if we had something together. Im scared about maybe seeing facebook statuses and photos of her dating other people and i dont know how ill feel.

Its always in the back of my mind "i could've done more to get to know her"

And she wasnt like the other girls in high heals with their makeup she was beautiful without any of that.

originally posted by: ThePro
a reply to: Bluesma

Thank you, its great to know I'm not the only one. Can I asked you something though, are you still in love with the guy you met as a child? And if so does it effect how you love your present partner? Sorry if its too personal to answer I understand if you dont want to.

It is a valid question!

Um... when I see pics of him now, I do not feel a physical attraction. I feel a nostalgic remembering of the boy he was.
He is not the same now- and I do not mean just age effects physically, I mean, he doesn't have the same outgoing joyful nature. He grew up. I was in love with the boy who was quick with big belly laughs, afraid of nothing, acting without being self conscious. I can tell in his photos, and the little he posts, that he is no longer that free living boy.

I think I am still in love with the boy, but am very aware he no longer exists. I actually find those same qualities in the man I am married to now.

I suspect that, as the other poster said, the sense of unavailability was a factor in my attraction. Perhaps I was not ready for a real relationship yet, and was scared of it becoming real. It wasn't meant to become real. That may be why I never exposed my feelings.

So now, I feel affectionate about my own feelings I had, and the memories of that time. But if he showed up in person right now and wanted to get involved, I would say no, with no misgivings. I have put my childhood to rest.

Laughing gently- I grabbed on to your name because this guy was named Gus. I thought it a funny similarity.

originally posted by: ThePro
Sorry I ran the word limit. So my question is going to sound so cliche but it's genuine:
Will I ever get over her and find someone that I think is as perfect as her?
And I always see people getting into relationships and marrying, but I'm wondering where do those people meet. How will I meet another perfect person? Any suggestions? I may post another reply later because I've missed some things.

But thanks everyone in advance, I know I'll probably get haters as well but I'll try my best to ignore them.

we often look back on a person and remember them in a better light then actually occurred, when the mind wants to think positive about someone it often forgets the bad, for example i think highly of my parents, tonight something reminded me of a time when my dad had me up against a wall feet in the air my throat in his hands, i had forgotten about it, and i recalled so many times that i had forgotten about those sort of occasions then remembered randomly only to forget again, so while i think highly of them i occasionally am reminded of their faults, because i want to think highly of them i have to be conscious not to forget their faults lest i start thinking they were perfect which no one is, this happens on smaller scales as well wherein you'll forget as an example that one time in conversation the other persons reply was a bit more cynical/sarcastic/cruel then was warranted, etc,

also, you never really know if you love someone until you've lived with them for about a year, people are on their best behavior around those they like, but once you live together awhile you finally start to drop any best behavior facade and all the little knicks to your imperfect character start to show, true love is being able to stick through all that even when they come to a head, there is no relationship without fighting for that reason, a good relationship is one that can work through it well, my opinion is you don't know if you really love someone until you get to the point that you have had fights and can see for yourself if you will be able to work them out with each other or not. or will the fights just build up cynicism toward each other.


the mind does this on the other spectrum too, will try to forget the good things about a person that you choose to remember negatively, i sometimes randomly recall good memories that i have from a particular ex that i learned to hate, while most of the time i recall her as being bad for me in every way, it is those rare moments i remind myself of the good times we had too that i realize the mind is good at biasing its memory.

a reply to: Bluesma
And maybe you could answer this, it may see dumb but its genuine;
Me being young i am not attracted to older women, so as we get older do we start to become attracted to older people (that is attracted to people our age)? I hope you get me?

And haha about the name thing, funny enough that is my nick name.

a reply to: pryingopen3rdeye
What a great insight. I agree with you, I think because I admire her so much all I want to think about is her good traits.

And I probably will never know if I could put up with the supposed bad things that woukd come out of her later on the relationship. I just wanted to be with her so so bad Its hard to think that I would ever get fed up with her.

originally posted by: ThePro
a reply to: pryingopen3rdeye
What a great insight. I agree with you, I think because I admire her so much all I want to think about is her good traits.

And I probably will never know if I could put up with the supposed bad things that would come out of her later on the relationship. I just wanted to be with her so so bad Its hard to think that I would ever get fed up with her.

again, this is not a knock but i think a lot of what you are feeling comes from the fact you have never had a solid relationship.....thats not a bad thing....
can i ask though? why this big desire to settle down in a relationship?

it might be hard to think you would never get fed up with a person but thats not true....i love my wife more than anything but she can get under my skin with some of the # she does.....same for her though. i know i can, and do grind on her nerves at times...you take the good with the bad. its a give and take and relationships take work....all of them.
3 months in you may feel like the person can do no wrong and there is never a disagreement. 3 years in its not like that.
when you live with someone it happens because nobody is perfect.

smcneil is right too...the whole of 'what you want' changes too.

as shy as you seem to be, and as nice a guy you seem to be it surprises me a little bit that the fact that she is into ladies too does not bother you...thats great and all. more power to you but personally, for me, i would be out.
i support all adults rights to do what they want as long as they dont hurt others...you will see that by my posts.
in my personal/romantic life though i am very conservative.

a reply to: ThePro

Haha.... yeah, actually! I do, anyway!
I'm in my forties, and I surprise myself when I find myself checking out a man and thinking, yummy.... but he's somewhere in his fifties or sixties, with grey hair (or what is left of it).

My husband says often that he thinks I am better looking now than when we met- which I find hard to believe. But his tastes in women have evolved too. More into finding self confidence attractive- which happens to women as they get older.
Even the celebrities that he will point out as beautiful are usually in their forties or fifties.

So actually, it may be hard to imagine when you are young, but yeah, your tastes evolve.

Partly because of the desire for mental maturity- when I see a buff looking younger man, they look like eye candy- with nothing nutritional inside? My husband says he sees young women, and immediately associates them with insecure fits of rage or jealousy, complicated moodiness, the overwhelming desire to procreate and get security.... which turns him off pretty quickly. Too much hassle... even for big boobs, and smooth thighs, apparently.

The older men here can probably be more revealing and accurate on that- I am going on the experience of one individual.
But for women, absolutely, tastes change.

a reply to: Bluesma

My husband says he sees young women, and immediately associates them with insecure fits of rage or jealousy, complicated moodiness, the overwhelming desire to procreate and get security.... which turns him off pretty quickly.

Yes, that's what he's TELLING you...

originally posted by: ThePro
a reply to: threeeyesopen

It holds me back quite a bit actually
, sometimes I think to myself "what if i had great teeth? Would we be together, could I have talked to her more and gotten closer to her?

I wouldn't dread on it, I'm positive you will meet a woman who will want to be with you for who you are. First loves are hard to get over but you have time on your side, keep up your self confidence and you'll be golden

a reply to: Grovit
The desire to settle down in a relationship comes from the fact that I cannot imagine my life without her. I think to myself if we were together the things we'd be doing in the future together e.g she is moving to America and I think about us being over there together.

About the fact that shes in to ladies not men, its not completely confirmed, like she has never (not that I know of) been in a relationship with a girl, and I guess I'm kinda hoping its a phase of her teenage years.

a reply to: Bluesma
Thats a relief I guess, although I shouldnt be thinking that far ahead. Haha thanks.

a reply to: threeeyesopen

Thanks for the confidence boost, I appreciate it.

originally posted by: ThePro

The desire to settle down in a relationship comes from the fact that I cannot imagine my life without her.

just trust me man...
soon enough you wont feel this way...you may never forget but these intense feelings of needing her will pass...im positive...

a reply to: Grovit

Thank you, I really want to believe this, and I hope it passes.

originally posted by: CJCrawley

Yes, that's what he's TELLING you...

Hahaha.... now don't go making me insecure!