Funny quotes!

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams

I slept like a baby. I woke up crying, with s**t in my pants. - Woody Allen

Life is hard; It's harder if you're stupid. - John Wayne

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson

A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion - George Carlin

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? - Jerry Seinfeld

Being stupid is no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad - Sheldon Cooper

Think of how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are stupider than that - George Carlin

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous - Steven Wright

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. - Steven Wright

Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you? - Jim Gaffigan

Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither. - Jim Gaffigan

When you have a fat friend, there are no seesaws. Only catapults. - Demetri Martin

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, you're probably fat. - Demetri Martin

Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character. ― Oscar Levant

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. - Oscar Wilde

You know how stupid the average person is? Half of them are dumber than that.
-J.R. "Bob" Dobbs

95% of the people in this world are stupid and the older you get the more you realize it is a low estimate - CJ

Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers":

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

"Politicians and diapers must be changed often,and for the same reason"-Mark Twain
"Never argue with stupid people,they will drag you down to their level and then beat you up with experience"-Mark Twain