Why this life.

Hi. Πривет. To those I know, and those I don't. Never did I think about posting as I'm naturally quiet in dire events.

Familiar is the firing line for the majority of a quarter century of this life. I'm asking why but there is no answers but the hollow, why. Staring it in the face as it devours all that I gain, take. Take. Take. And what will be taken. Why am I bound to be put in unfortunate events? It's familiar, like I've been here before, but not in my lifetime and I question. What else do you have, I say, what else..

Rewind.

Where can I start? How do I? It's like I've experienced an eternity in such short time, halting as I was approached by someone I've never met before, but like I've met her at some time. Had I not lost my job, and gone into 44 hundred in debt, there would be no her. For the first time in a quarter life lived, someone who appreciates who I am. Someone lively, caring, soft and in return, she says, "I finally feel safe around someone." Life, it was finally looking back up after I lost my soon to be career, after finding out my grandmother has cancer, and my grandfathers declining health. Is this real? Are you real? All so new yet so familiar again, naught once have I to experience this. Shes perfect within my mind, flaws, defects, everything within a portrait, grand. Finally the wait has paid off, now that I was given the opportunity to meet such a lady. Asked out on the 30th of June, happily accepted, and the path was brighter as we grew closely onto eachother, assuring myself that I had it beat. As, I left someone at a longer distance who never told me that they loved me, making a happier choice.

Not everything is indeed true, even when all seems good. We grew so close together and I thought what we had would be too great to fail, but there's a missing detail within the lines. Unexpected. She told me she already had a kid with someone, and that someone was in another state, and I give way. Brought to my knees in absolute, revisiting this cold, hard as concrete foundation, everything suddenly vanished from thought as I repeat, making cyclical the pain in this life. She's split between being with an ex, and me, and I lose either way, sacrifice. Failing all that is myself, condemned to repeat as I say no, but condoning all that is selfishness in love if I want her to be with me. Never could I have seen this coming, as I tell her, "I still love you regardless of what's in your life..." Contact has since been very limited, silence could be no more deafening, back to this eternity in the weeds and soil where it's warm, but not the warmth of a home. Never could I believe in the walking dead, yet I am dead walking of a different variation, my mind is a battleground, still youthful but feeling ancient and the quality of feeling like a human being with the qualities in all my greatness has been eroded over time, assaulted on all fronts I no longer hold my crown while staring through an empty bag of tricks. Come and take it, and surely provoking, it does as I find out my Russian brother (good friend) has cancer spreading throughout his lower body.

The list is ever growing, what could be so unmerciful? Why. Why? Salt, your bitter taste, that I'm not alone in the battle as others fight, and most cave to it's will and devour you from within. Respect, as others may be fighting your fight...Watching them all topple, their greatness dissipates into only a million memories, grab the ones we want to remember, watching you return to dirt. Still, there's no answer. Why this life? Why this fight. I desire no feeling of pity, but an answer. May I find the strength not to break like those brothers and sisters also fighting side by side within me, but miles apart. May these events not lead me to perish, at least not before I discover a purpose and begin to find myself which has never been found. My lack of understanding this is great, and my posture appear beaten and bruised. As I am but a man, but ancient, as I feel I lived lives before my time.

All I can say, I miss her. From the digital confines and no way to reach her at such a close distance.
All I can say, I miss all that's been taken. From the uncomfortable sleep of every night, I revisit, and battle, repeat.
All I can say, Why this life. Purpose undiscovered, myself left unfound, finding life in life.

I miss her.

Do svidoniya.

No, I refuse. For now. For her, and the few fighters beside me.

spasibo za vnimaniye. Thanks for listening.

Karma neh ..

Bad things happen, often to good people that don't deserve it. But wouldn't the world be far worse if all the bad things that happen to us happened because we deserved it?

As to your romantic issue. It is pretty simple, you haven't even been together for a month. It is time to cut your losses and move on. At this point if she is torn between you and someone else, her mind has always been with someone else. I'd like to be able to tell you that isn't true but it is.

That was so eloquently put. I do hope that some day you find what you are looking for. Hugs!

Life is tough, don't worry though.
It'll eventually get better... Even if it means death

One thing after another goes wrong in my life so i totally know where you are coming from but we just have to push through it, it makes us so much stronger and so much more understanding and even more patient believe it or not, there is many gains in going through hard times just keep pushing through it, feel the emotions and live them even if they are bad they have to run their course we have too feel them without denial so we can learn to process things in a natural way. . They will eventually move away and be replaced by good, no feeling lasts forever just remember that.
- As for the relationship issue well i suck at relationship advice but i think she should have been upfront about her child from the start, as a mother myself i know i would be, how can you not mention your child until someone has already fallen for you? Thats really selfish and with her not being upfront and then saying she is torn between you & the ex its pretty obvious she is playing games all i can say is do not chase her! Let her come to you, i know its hard but just give her some space, i can see she means alot but your job now is to back away some women just like the frill and attention of being chased by a guy, dont give it to her just incase thats the game she is playing, either way at this point space can't hurt, give her time to miss you, because generally people dont know what they've got until its gone.