Netchicken Rules OK!

Scene 1.
An empty stage, no prop, no people, black..
Suddenly the spotlight comes on, illiminatiing a small oval in the center of the stage.

Off in the wings the follwing conversation is heard in loud whispers.

"Gerrof! Leave me alone"
"Get on the stage and introduce yourself"
"No, I hate publicity," (struggles are heard offstage)
"Ow Ow Ow, stop that"
"You're gonna get on that stage if I have to drag you there!"
"Nooooooo ..." (sliding, scraping, struggling sounds are heard)
"Look William and Chris have done it, you're gonna do it too"
"But I get stage fright"
"Look if an aussie can be brave enough then you should be twice as strong"
"But they cheat, he probably used a double, its wasn't him, it was a stunt aussie"

The Spotlight starts searching the stage and catches 2 struggling people in its beam

Both are stunned into silence and stop fighting...

"Oh #, you done it now" one whispers
"Shuddup and say something now is your big chance" the other replies
"OK, I will, if you let go of my ear first"

"Ahem" ... person clears throat, stands up and starts to straighten ruffled clothes.

"Ahhhh.... mynameisnetchicken." Words rush out and the person makes a dive for the wings.

Loud crash as he is bought down by the second person in a rugby tackle.
"Lemme go I said my piece"
"Get back up there you coward! Look that aussie said more and look at how poor their verbal skills are"
"Yeah but he had to write it down first and then his crayon kept breaking"

"You're ... Goona.. say ... something.." (person is dragged back in into the spotlight by his foot)
"Ok, Ok, I'll try again" whines the person
(person stands up and tries to compose himself, a black eye is starting to change color and his hair is wild)

"aaaaahhhhhhh ..... (words trail off) Hi there everyone, its me, I, ahhh, come from New Zealand, ummmm, but I have traveled a lot... I like chocolate .... bye now"

(person walks out of spot light, loud whispers heard from offstage)

"Is that it?"
"Yeah what do you want my friggn life history?"
"Well say something else its your big chance"
"I need a beer first that last speach stuffed me!"
"Oh, well, actually that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll join you"
"Best thing I've said all night"

(Footsteps disappear into the distance)

End Scene


[Edited on 27-5-2003 by Netchicken]

now how the hell did I know this was coming.....Brilliant as usual Chook....apart from the crayon remarks.. I am getting quite good at them now.

Chris

LMAO!

Scene 2
A dingy back alley, at night, rubbish overflowing rubbish bins, homeless cats, chase rats.

Two guys lie sprawled on some waste cardboard.

"Hic, yoush know yoush are my bestest friend"
"Your drunk NC, stop blubbering"
"Hic I ham not drun.. drun.. drunk, I ham ekstremly well lubricated. Yoush were rite I should have beaten that aussie and shaid sumfing"
"Well you can beat aussies any day of the week, afterall its like stealing sweets from children"
"Yesh, I schuppose sho, I wash good at that as well. But if I had anudda chancesh I would really shay sumfing"
"Well too late, maybe when you are sobered up"

(Suddenly a spotlight appears and works it way up the alley towards the two)

"Lookit that, its the shage light again, its come for meesh!"
NC Stumbles to his feet and stands with his arms out stretched as the spot reaches him.
"Ladish and Gentlemench, Hic, I am Netchiinsh and I come from New Zelanish"
"You said that before stupid" mumbled the body in the dark, "say something original"
"OKsh, I am happily married to a buetifuls woman, for tensh years!. I am a teacher and I like cycling."

He falls silent in thought....
"Andsh here ish my deepest deepest secret I have always wanted to .."

His voice is drowned out as the chopper mounting the spotlight decends into the alley, and a platoon of soldiers rush from the sides.

"get your hands above your heads NOW!" A soldier yells "and drop that bottle" he motions with his gun towards the pair.

"We have been looking for you for a long time Mr Chicken and friend, your subversive activities have bought you to the attention of our organization and now is the time for you to meet your maker. "
"What ush!" NC's eyes are wide open in shock "What did we do?"

"Don't you know that posting on ATS is now a subversive activity? It guantanamo bay for you lot now, Get aboard the chopper NOW!"

(Scene ends with chopper flying off into the darkness and one soldier saying to another "Well thats another ATS poster cleaned up, whats the address of William One Sac now".)




[Edited on 28-5-2003 by Netchicken]

OMG NC!! Too funny!

Scene 3
Whup whup whup whup whup
The sound of the blades slicing the air drove splinters of pain through NC's head.

"OOOOHHHHHH, my head!!!" he moaned "What hit me?"
"Too much booze hit you" muttered Ocelot, "You were so drunk you tried to kiss the soldier over there."

NC peered over at the soldier who was so ugly Illmatic would have denied it was the same species let alone race." I must have been drunk" he moaned.

As his head cleared he started to take more notice of his environment, the large helicopter had scores of glum looking people in rows of seats disappearing into the gloom. Ahead he could see a pilot.

"Hey pilot" He yelled, I didn't know a helicopter could fly all the way to New Zealand and then back. "Oh we have some tricks you have never seen before," the pilot replied, turning his head to smile.

NC was immediately aware of the pilot's, strangely slit eyes, his short stature, and he peered closer, his grey color. "You look sicker than I do" NC muttered. The pilot hearing this gave him the finger, the middle one, he only had three, noted NC as he reclined in his seat to wait out the hangover.

Meanwhile in another world, so it seemed, a despondent superhero sighed and pulled a face. He sat bored on a beautiful white beach on a hot sunny day with perfect breakers forming in the white topped surf in front of him.

"Its just no fun being a super hero in Australia" moaned OZ Chris, (mild mannered sticker manager by day, raging super hero by night). "What is there to do apart from fending off refugee boats from Indonesia and New Zealand? This place is so bloody ordinary its boring! Even our terrorists are incompetent, who's ever heard of hijacking a plane with sticks?".

Super OZ kicked a passing crab in frustration, Thirty thousand miles away in Los Angles Mrs Sheinlen was walking down the drive to check her mail when she was pole axed by a falling crab. Fortean investigators were on the scene immediately, and News of the World posted an exclusive on "The Crustacion that Attacked Los Angles". This forced President Bush to mobilize his military and declare war on "an unnamed country harboring crustacion terrorists". .. but this was in the future.

The trouble was that even superhero's had their limitations, not only couldn't he make John Howard look like a person who belonged in the new century, or give him a personality, he couldn't even help the Australians win in the upcoming Rugby world cup. As a result of the minor character flaws the worlds greatest super hero resorted to cruising the internet trying to act ordinary. Well he would be if he could get his stupid computer to work, that was his second problem.

Returning to his beachside villa, he sat in his office trying to connect to the internet again. Bzzzz WEEEEEEPPPP PIN PING, the modem screamed in frustration as he attempted for the tenth time that day to connect. Super OZ hurled the box out the window. In New Guinea a stone age tribe created a new religion around a mysterious beige box that descended from the heavens. The Hewlett Packard Church of the Orgasmic would go on mobilize the nation and convert Mormon missionaries to its faith, eventually establishing a base in Utah.

Chris grumbled and went off to borrow another computer from his neighbor. After connecting it in he found he had success, for the first time in three weeks he had a connection. Connecting in to Abovetopsecret.com... in anticipation of a pile of missed messages he was surprised to find the board empty, no posters, no new posts, in two weeks.

"Weird," thought Super OZ "the last posts are all from FM saying what a wonder person he is, how intelligent he is, and how much the rest of the human race sucks, and no one is there to reply to him, let alone ban him." Indeed it seemed that the board had been empty so long FM had managed to start a debate with himself and was in the process of abusing himself and trying to get himself banned.

"Well some things never change" Super Oz muttered, "I need to investigate this further, this is worse than the time Simon was kidnapped by aliens from the planet Zeta after they got his name wrong from the phone book. I know I will fly around the world and find the ATS members and check up on them, that will occupy my afternoon."

Happy with his new endeavor he packed a lunch (Prawn sammies with Thousand Island dressing and a pie) and flew off to visit his old mate Alien in Wellington, a$$hole of the antipodes... (the city that is, not the person).


[Edited on 29-5-2003 by Netchicken]

LMAO!!
:


Chicken I think you have a calling, perhaps this thread should be moved from intros to the story board! Man you got to start publishing.

My money's on it being a plot by that darn crustacean. Can't trust them!

Bow before the almighty netturkey...

LMAO

im in god damn tears and one of my mates is lying on the floor crying it was so damn funny.

you are some peice of work NC

Verry funny, especially the part about converting Mormons.

!!! Veryy good NC, we want more! I liked that Mormon thing too!

Hey Net Chicken, great stories, great imagination as usual but I feel you should tell us about that furry fruit hiding behind the chicken mask.

Well I started off doing that by writing it into my story, but I got offtrack, and now a damn aussie seems to have taken center stage, I am not too sure where I can

Aroha Hongi, sat outside smoking her first cigarette of the afternoon. At eighty years of age she felt she had seen it all, war, poverty, TV, Australians bowling underarm, but she couldn't believe what she saw in front of her eyes this afternoon.

Aroha had been enjoying the afternoon sun when out of the sky with a loud yell fell a man (she assumed) with his underpants on over his tights, a cape on the back, and a big 'SO' sewn on the front.

He landed in a tangle of arms and legs just missing the compost heap and crushing the carrots.

"Ahhh, good evening, is Alien in?" The disheveled person asked rising from the vegie garden.
"Who?" Ahora replied, as if this happened every day of the week.
"Your grandson, Alien" the flying wonder replied, salad dressing appeared to be dripping out of his costume, mixing with the soil sticking on his tights.
"Ah yeah, he's out the back with the rest of the bro's." She replied, nodding her head towards the back of the house.
Ahora went back to her cigeratte and thought to herself "Now I can die in peace, I HAVE seen it all".

Super Oz, walked around the back of the old house to find a party underway in the large section. A pig was being spit roasted over an open fire in one corner and beer was flowing like water. "Ahh yes", he thought" definitely Alien's place". A group of people in the other corner of the section were digging up a hangi, an underground oven, with food being passed out to others holding the plates.

The conversation stopped dead when he appeared. "Who's the fairy in tights" someone snickered.
"Is Alien here", Chris asked trying to take command of the situation.
"Who wants to know?" A very large person dressed in black leather with a Dog head patch on his jacket asked.
"I do, Chris replied "Super OZ".
The party collapsed in laughter.
"Super Oz?" they laughed, "Here bro" another man handed him a funny brown cigarette "Try this, its looks like you have already smoked some already"
"No Thank you" sniffed Chris, it makes me fly crooked."

"Alien isn't here" someone ventured, "He went off with some people in a big black helicopter earlier. He didn't look very happy about leaving, but they seemed to have some control over him, either that or he's making another deal for some smoke"
"Oh, said, Chris deflated, "Did he say where he was going?"
"Gonorrhea bay, or something like that" came the reply.

"Oh dear" Chris said "Now where is that? (It is a little known fact that superhero's are not good at current events. One time while trying to rescue a person getting beaten up in a pub, he found it was Russel Crowe, a famous actor, who'se hobby was to pick fights when drunk. Russell resented being rescued by a super hero and tried to beat him up as well)

"Don't worry mate, the Kai (food) is ready, here, eat this" the big guy with the dog on his coat handed him a plate overflowing with pork, potatoes, and vegetables.
"Thanks" said Chris "I don't mind if I do, flying is very tiring."

While eating his lunch Oz Chris ruminated on the possable location of Gonorrhea bay. "Is it Bondi?" he thought to himself, whilst chewing on the fresh pork, "Nah, can't be its not a bay." Realising that he realy didn't have a clue (superheros with insight are a rare thing and Chris was fully aware of his limitations) he thought that he needed to search out someone who would know.

"Byrd" he said he thought to himself, "I need to find the ATS attack-academic, she will know the answer I hope."

He was a little worried about Bryd however, recently she had been getting absent minded and forgetting things, age it seemed was starting to catch up on her.

After thanking Alien's relatives for their fine food and drink, OzChris launched off in search of Bryd, the famous attack academic, who knew everything on ATS.

"Now I can die in Peace"!!!!

...hmmm...a white boy lands in my bros/cuzzies backyard...and they let him leave alive?? Yep...definitely Fiction....



Damn near mimi'ed myself Netty Bro!

Scene 5

"Damn Democrats, take that! And that!" TC's body twitched in the dream battle he was engaged in. His flailing arms whacked the person in the next seat into consciousness.

"Ouch!" Yelled Connie. The chat room chick was not amused. "Hit me again and I'll weld your feet to the floor," she grumbled at TC, who slept on. TC flailed again and moaned "not the anti-war protesters ... noooooo." Clearly he was in the middle of a nightmare. Connie lost patience with TC's actions and proceeded to nail his arms to the arm rests using her shoe as a hammer.

"That will hold him" she thought, TC twitched on despite his restrictions.

Now she was awake Connie started looking around for some food. it had been a long time since her abduction and she was starting to feel peckish. "Taco's" she thought I could certainly murder some taco's about now. She looked hungrily at Advisor but he was inedible and it was not good ethics to eat your fellow posters.

Connie got out of her seat and investigated the area in search of food. She was in a large barn or windowless warehouse, all the members of ATS were unconscious on chairs, it was dark with only a light at one end of the large room.

She spied a small group of beings huddled around someone in a chair in the distance and quietly moved forward in the dark to investigate. It was an interrogation. Ocelot was the victim and 3 small grey beings were plying him with questions. What's your name? Where do you live? What subversive activities have you committed, What's the capital of Spain? The questions rained down on the hapless Ocelot. The lead interrogator with a scar on his face snarled "So, you won't talk eh? Then bring on the cat!"

"NO! Not the cat!" Ocelot's eyes went wide in fear, "Anything but the cat!" "To late" snarled scarface, "the cat it is". One of Arc's moggies, a mangy old tabby, was placed in his lap, it looked up at him and purred and began to kneed itself a place to sleep. Ocelot fainted in fear.

"Lets leave him here and finish him off later with some sand, he'll talk then" Scarface said to the others as they moved off. Connie followed them at a distance listening as they talked about what was happening.

"The monsters" Thought Connie, "I can't let this continue" She gathered up her courage, some parsley and chives that were lying around, and advanced on the unconscious Ocelot now alone tied to the chair.

"Mmmm cat" Connie thought, "that'll do for a snack" She grabbed the sleeping cat, killed it and skinned it in experienced fluid motions. Years as a welder had taught her how to live off the land. Finding a small gas burner and a pot in a pile of rubbish in the other end of the room she proceeded to cook some lunch.

The aroma of food wafted passed the noses of the other unconscious posters, several began licking their lips and some began to drool. Clearly the people were ravenous. One by one they awoke and drifted over.

Mmmm I am starving, said Magestica, where are we, and what is that delicious smell?
"Its my lunch said Connie possessively," seasoning the meat with thyme and basil. "Go and find your own."

"Oh", Majestic looked despondent, then finding a stick, sharpened the end into a spear and said "Ok, us military types are resourceful I will see what turns up" She slunk away into the darkness looking for prey.

Abraham Virtue appeared next. He wasn't interested in food there were bigger issues at stake "Where are we and what is happening?" he asked.

"Well," Connie said leaning back on her haunches whilst stirring the pot and adding some potatoes she found in a sack, "It looks like we have been kidnapped by aliens disguised as military and are being taken to Guntanimo bay, if that's where we are going. This appears to be a holding place whilst they round us all up. From what I had heard they had trouble locating a few of us."

"Its a plot!!" AV thundered, "I am not standing for this, the good name of ATS and free people everywhere are being trampled underfoot by the villainous actions of the cabal and the Salvation Army!"

"Salvation Army?" Connie raised her eyebrows, "what have they to do with it?"
"They're everywhere I tell you! Can you tell me of a city where the Salvation Army do not have a base? Its all a plot they get people to join them and then pretend that they are a charity, I have seen it before, they are behind it all". He wandered off into the gloom of the warehouse muttering "its a plot, its a plot".

"Hmmm,' Connie thought to herself, "Maybe its true, I'll ask B.r.i.a.n."
"B.r.i.a.n," she said to the empty air on her left, "what does the Salvation army have to do with ruling the world?"

"Hmm Hmm uh uh.." she nodded at the reply she was getting, "in league with Kmart and MacDonald's in a plot to subvert the minds of the young and innocent. I'd better look into that later. Thanks Brian" She returned to the cooking, sipping the broth. "Nearly ready," she thought, "would be nice with some red wine".


[Edited on 2-6-2003 by Netchicken]

Eek! Visitors???

The house isn't clean!! There's books EVERYWHERE!!!!

excellent NC