*Loyalty*

We were trying so hard

Hard to survive

Cause even though we were young

We had to stay strong

No matter what we went through

It was me and my crew

And that's how it went...

When we were kids.

The old Ludacris song slowly began to fade as the lyrics softened, then, in a bizarre and almost startling transition, the ipod chose Disturbed's Sons of Plunder as its next random song. It blared through the headphones loudly, though despite its thick, distorted, and frankly noisy sound compared to most other songs or bands of my choosing, Disturbed was still a favorite of mine.

When Puff Daddy's I'll be missing you played, I sighed, staring emptily into my new laptop's huge, luminous screen. Every thought that'd been burdening me all throughout the day weighed down upon me again. Friends and family flashed through my mind, making an uneasy, sick sensation spread subtly through my stomach, and into my heart.

What a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you.

I bit my lip, gulping, the caffeine beginning to hit me full force. I'm never able to sleep at night anyway, so why avoid coffee? Its the only thing that makes me think clearly.

Every single day, every time I pray, I'll be missing you.

Memories began to resurface from the murky bottom of my subconscious, and, strangely, I allowed them to. Images played through my mind like a movie on fast forward... and as usual, the thoughts came and went far too quickly for me to grasp any of them for proper examination... memories and paranoid delusions cluttered my waking thoughts, and I heaved a deep breath, forcing all the sudden, mad feelings down.

As if this wasn't enough, Garth Brooks's To make you feel my love began to play... a song that has the rare ability to bring me to tears... I don't know what it is, but... that song gets me...

I steal a glance at my sleeping fiance, someone I've loved dearly since middle school. The one person who can make me get out of bed, make me clean, cook, write, draw... make me care at all, really.

More faces appeared in my mind, all passing by too quickly to focus on.

My fiance and I often joke that we're the same person... we share many similar feelings, beliefs, and values. He's always had a sort of emotional dedication to the idea of friendship... loyalty to friends.

So have I.

Back in the past, anyway...

He and I didn't exactly grow up the same way, though. I gave up on having true friends a very long time ago... when the schools and neighborhoods in which I lived made it very clear to me that I was unworthy of such companionship. I was not a person, I was a dirty, pathetic little thing. Not a thing with feelings, not a thing with ideas or wants or the desire to cling to other people, no... just a worthless, stupid thing, with a big red target painted on my forehead that only I was unable to see.

You know what loyalty got me as a kid?

Jumped, called names, stolen from, punished, ridiculed... and honestly, I hate the way I sound when these thoughts come to mind. I sound like the biggest, whiniest emo punk, unable to handle the harder things in life. But you know something? When you're sitting alone in the dark, thinking about everyone and everything closest to you, and attempting to make a big decision regarding them... you tend to think about some pretty serious crap, and memories serve us with wisdom... the wisdom which gives us the ability to reason, and to make decisions. No better teacher than experience.

My cousins were the closest things to friends I had, but they didn't care much for loyalty.

See, people will target you if you have any shred of decency in you. If you harbor any ounce of empathy, love, or mercy, that is the only clearance the shills need; and they will attack, because they know you will not retaliate. You are nice, which makes you weak, pathetic, and childish, and you deserve everything the world plans to dish at you.

Living in the projects was the hardest place I learned this lesson... the lesson that passiveness or innocence is the enemy of the world.

And despite all this, some stupid, arrogant, clueless piece of me clung to the idea that--somewhere, far, far away from my family and I, there were wonderful, loyal people who had the same crazy, childish ideas as me. That friendship should be unbreakable, that you shouldn't stab your friends in the back, call them names, steal from them, etc etc... and along my search for those people, I was hurt, time and time again. I know I'm not unique in this respect--it happens to everyone. But it still isn't right. Its the madness preferred by the general whole of society.

I never imagined I'd be sitting here, engaged to marry the first friend I ever made, and pondering on situations regarding many other friends I've made over the past few years. Bizarre, weird, misfitting friends, but good ones. I never imagined I'd marry my best friend... I never thought I'd be married at all, honestly. The world imprinted me at a pretty young age with the idea that all relationships are anything but romantic and loving--that no people are loyal, all couples fight, and marriages never last. I never could have thought that friendship and romance would find me.

I never dreamed they would come with so much attached, either.

It never occurred to me that with companionships come challenges--I didn't think of that, I prepared to be alone.

Friendships aren't as strong as they ought to be, or as some claim it to be. Friends fight--sometimes physically--feelings and flesh are wounded, and people hurt each other, just as I always knew they did. But its different than I thought.

With a mixed, misfitted conglomeration of friends who consider one another family, who share differing values but alike principals, who differ in sexuality, political beliefs, spiritual beliefs, and will power, come some unanticipated yet unavoidable conflicts. Who's right? Who's wrong? Who's fault is this? Who's the source of our problems? Why does this keep happening? Why do we keep fighting?

And with the unevenly yolked beliefs of these close people comes confusion, frustration, and anger... and here begins the fighting, the regression, the identity confusion and the madness which constantly overwhelms an unsure mind. As the longer these differing individuals are in one another's presence, the more they bring question to the beliefs of one another, the motives of one another... more and more of their sanity slipping out from under them, and they can't even see it...

Before you know it, you're keeping certain friends away from each other, because they don't like each other... because they will almost assuredly fight if they are around one another. You are standing mid-center of these misfits, you, who prayed for companionship as a child, and who can't let it go no matter how much it eats at you, no matter how complicated, unhealthy, and utterly intolerable the situations become. Desperate to salvage this supposedly loyal bunch of individuals, you refuse to burn bridges... you... you pathetic, weak, spineless little loser...

I never expected my own loyalty to be the wavering link...

-[Continued]-

(WARNING; It gets a little morbid here, sorry)

-------

I never imagined myself living with my friends, even having friends... never thought one of my best friends and I would fight... an enraged, intoxicated encounter... the shattering of glass... blood was drawn... knock knock knock... damn... the cops are here...

It all rolled through my head, faster and faster...

Never thought I'd threaten anyone's life who I considered my best friend... never thought I could hate a loved one so very much... never thought I'd be attacked by them... never thought I'd see them attempt suicide...

Death... so very prominent, death is... so many funerals I've attended... my dad's brother, lost to suicide... my aunt... my great mamaw... my uncle... my grandmaw... another cousin... she killed herself... I remember seeing her body on my way to school that day... I thought she was sleeping... blue, stiff, and sleeping...

So... so many of my friends, constantly trying to commit suicide... they want to die? Why? Don't they understand they're toying with their own lives? That they can never come back? And they do it in front of me, no less... Why? Why do I have to watch you die? You selfish, useless little...

Never thought I'd hate my loved ones so much... my dear friends, mutilating themselves, wishing for death... these people, who've never been to a single funeral, who've never lost anyone...

They have no idea what death is. They have no right to talk about it... to toy with it...

And why... why, why on earth... is it always me listening to a friend bitch about another friend? About the tiniest, unimportant little things they might've done to ruin someone else's day? A word spoken in the wrong tone, or an item misplaced... these are the petty things ruling these friendships. This is the true foundation of all their beloved "loyalty."

Why is it--when bridges are burned, I'm the one standing there, letting the flames lick my ankles simply because I can't decide which side to take?

Why is it, with the world turning backwards, evil madmen dominating us, laws being passed, people being killed and wars being waged, that our petty, worthless little non-issues are what seem to matter the most? Why? Really, honestly, truly, why?

Why do I deserve the passive-aggressive treatment, simply because I'm loyal to someone you dislike?

Why does loyalty no longer matter when life complicates?

Is that the true definition of loyalty? To bail when the path gets rocky?

To abandon friends when they are at their worst?

I never thought I'd be so blessed as to have so many friends... so many people to wrap my heart around, to cry for when they are gone, to long for when they leave... to worry for even when I hate them, despise them, want them to grow a little faster, to climb out of their self-manifested pits of pity. I never thought I'd have my soul torn into countless little shreds out of simple frustration and concern for the idiots I love. I never thought--of all things that compose my character--that loyalty would be the one questioned, attacked, wounded, and possibly... eventually... broken.

Very well, world, I see your hardships and raise you another dose of apathy.

I've fought everyone--all my loved ones, friends and family alike, who tell me to let go of the people harder to love and care for. All these loved ones of mine, who differ and fight, who hate one another, all tell me the same thing--a thing they all believe in, despite the barriers between them all, and their endless amounts of differences and grudges towards one another.

Let it go.

It is beyond your control, they say. You can't change the minds of other people, and you cannot help those who will not accept it. They are beyond your reach... give up on them.

Perhaps not.

But if I turn my back, then I will be the same as all of them. All of you.

All the people that I hate, people who use the word "loyalty" without an inch of action backing the statement. Family who turn on each other like rabid wolves at the simple utterance of baseless gossip... friends who draw lines between one another, all the while throwing the word "loyalty" around like candy...

I have the person I love... and an immense amount of family problems too.

My love and I have a life to build, and I have a family full of children who need some sort of fun, some sort of escape, some sort of... well... loyalty.

I can't make my friends love each other, nor can I help them out of their ruts.

I never thought I would have friends, never thought I'd have the gift of companionship...

And I never thought I'd have to let it go.

a reply to: XxNightAngelusxX

Hey!

Good to see you out and about in the boards!

Loyalty is a gift I give to others, in the full knowledge that at some time, it is all pretty much going to fall apart at some point in the future. The law of entropy dictates that all complicated systems eventually collapse into a simpler format.

However, that is not a reason to avoid loyalty. To offer ones loyalty to a person or cause, is not a stupid thing to do, despite the possibility of negative responses to it over time. Rather, it marks one out as being prepared to do the right thing no matter the consequence.

An example from my life follows. When I was sixteen and a little bit, I met a fellow at college who was probably the coolest S.O.B. you could imagine. Metal to the extreme, normally smashed on whiskey, hilariously witty, and generally a sweet natured dude. He and I were firm friends since first meeting, which involved him grasping me by the scruff of the neck, and hauling my sleeping lumpen weight off the college bus, before shaking me awake on the pavement outside the bus, and informing me that we had arrived at our destination.

We hung out for years, and over that time we went to rock festivals, bars and gigs, parties, movies, movie nights, played play station games until stupid hours of the morning, and he also fell for a girl that we both knew from our favourite bar. I knew her because she had taken me in when I lived on the street.

Shoot forward to now, and my buddy, well I have not seen him for months, partly because he has no damned spine, and has not called me or contacted me in any way, and partly because I am disgusted at his wasteful attitude toward his former girlfriend, who although as imperfect as any of us, is a caring person, a compassionate, and selfless person. He has left their relationship in the most passive aggressive manner possible, for no reason other than his fear of "not getting on in life".

He lost his way, and despite all my companionable advice, and the love he received from his lady, he became monstrous, careless with other peoples emotions, paranoid, distrustful and ignorant of the value of the people in his life. One cannot be loyal when a person makes it impossible to reconcile the person they are, with the person you once respected.

As a result, I ended up helping this fellows ex, and my best friend, with the application of new curtains to windows in her home, curtains which needed replacing because her ex decided that he wanted his curtains back, like the big old man child he appears to have become.

Did I want to excise this man from my life? No. He was like a brother to me for twelve years. Did I have a choice? No. In all the important ways, he chose for himself, and though I may not agree with his choices, he has the right to make them, and is responsible for the consequences.

Well written as always ...

In todays world people have no concept of loyalty or honour .. too busy looking out for themselves with no thought to the effect their actions have on the people and world around them ..

S&F

a reply to: TrueBrit

Did I want to excise this man from my life? No. He was like a brother to me for twelve years. Did I have a choice? No. In all the important ways, he chose for himself, and though I may not agree with his choices, he has the right to make them, and is responsible for the consequences. - See more at: www.abovetopsecret.com...

Your story is very deep and touching, albeit sad. I'm glad you're the righteous one in the situation here, although I couldn't imagine you being the other guy... good on you friend

Can I have your permission to use your story? Maybe apply it to a story of mine? It would be sort of a tribute to you. I try to make references to my loved ones in my stories without actually modeling characters after them and whatnot.

a reply to: Expat888

Thanks! That becomes more and more true every day.

The conflict is when the people involved honestly can't see how their loyalty is wavering. They have no idea how they affect each other. It frustrates me, but I can't even be mad at them for it. They're blind to it.

a reply to: XxNightAngelusxX

Hey, if you need to use it, you go for it!

As for being that guy...

Hell no. See, while I am far from perfect, I refuse to be the architect of my own downfall. If I had someone in my life who was dedicated to loving me, and receiving my love, and not to ulterior motives... I would only leave that situation as a result of a fatality, if at all. Yes, I know what I wrote there, and I stick with my original statement.

a reply to: TrueBrit

You're inspiring.

I'm glad you feel that way. One of the friends that this impulsive ramble is aimed towards finds most relationships to be boring... she actually told me that nice, loving guys who give her their heart, and who "have their sh** together," are sooooo boring. She actually wants someone who is broken. Someone who will hurt her.

Can you see why its hard to care about some of these people? Ugh....

a reply to: XxNightAngelusxX

Yeah...

I know. I had to let go of a woman like that a little while back. It's funny really, how something that should have been obvious years ago, becomes so starkly apparent when you realise that the woman you want to be there for, care for, tend to when she's sick, walk in the woods with when she's well, and still be doing all that when you are two minutes from getting your card punched, would rather be dating a guy who has a conviction for possession of indecent images.

Of course, it did not make it any easier that the fellow she actually hooked up with, the fellow with a criminal record involving indecent images, was a former teacher of mine. To be honest the whole thing makes me a little sick, even now.

a reply to: TrueBrit



That's so unfair...

You're well worth someone faithful, bro.

You've at least got a friend here.

God speed... hold out for your number one.

a reply to: XxNightAngelusxX

To be honest, at this point, I find it impossible to be interested in anyone at the moment, and furthermore, I am in a place at this time where I am pretty certain that I would be utterly unable to recognise a come on from a prospective partner.

My libido has entirely collapsed, is what I am saying!

But seriously, I just don't give a crap about relationships at the moment. I am happy enough with having the friends and life that I have, and bumbling around getting on with it.

originally posted by: TrueBrit
a reply to: XxNightAngelusxX

To be honest, at this point, I find it impossible to be interested in anyone at the moment, and furthermore, I am in a place at this time where I am pretty certain that I would be utterly unable to recognise a come on from a prospective partner.

My libido has entirely collapsed, is what I am saying!

But seriously, I just don't give a crap about relationships at the moment. I am happy enough with having the friends and life that I have, and bumbling around getting on with it.

That's good! Finding peace and happiness in yourself is the only option you have sometimes, especially when loved ones make it impossible to care about them. Peace!

One word, one thing EU countries must never, ever get from anyone! That will be made sure of!!
The only thing the EU needs from anyone is blackmail.