Parents of ATS: I need your help...In a desperate way, I need your help!

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe

No offense taken at all.

I appreciate your input. Perhaps I should lighten the strings a little but, that is just such a scary thought.

He just still seems like a baby to me.

Urggghh.....you might be right!

He's not my baby anymore.

I'm so afraid though of letting him go and then feeling responsible if he messes up after I do so.

Parental catch 22.

I would suggest trying to find a hobby that you, or your husband, and he may have a similar interest in. Find something that will make him feel 'cool' to the other kids.
Some suggestions:
-Take guitar lessons together
-Buy a beat up quad or minibike and learn how to work on it together

I think it may help to bring him back to you, without him realizing it...because he'll initiate his interests under the premise of "my friends are going to think I'm awesome!"

11 years old? turn him over your knee.

a reply to: MagesticEsoteric

I hear you. Seriously. When my daughter was a baby, I felt the need to control everything. And by everything... I mean absolutely everything.

When she started preschool I was uber strict about grades, homework, (yes... In preschool) absences, etc. around the time she started 2nd grade, we would sit at the kitchen table doing homework when she would just flat out refuse to do it right. She would act like she didn't know the answer, she didn't know what she needed to do, and so on. It got to the point that we would sit in the kitchen at the table for 4 or 5 hours trying to do 2 worksheets that I KNEW she knew how to do.

I would be close to tears, I would get so angry that she would sit there and act like that. One day it dawned on me that she was doing it because that is the only thing she could control. I controlled everything she ate, drank, played with etc. once I backed off, she would do the work on her own in minutes instead of hours.

It is embarrassing for me to admit that I was that controlling then. I share it because it might help? I was a first time mother, had no handbook, and had to learn the hard way. I think being too controlling is a mistake a lot of parents make. We really want the best for our children, we want to protect them at all costs, and we want to be the best parents we can be. Sometimes that translates into smothering them.

Spank him! ...he's 11 going on 9 . Don't treat him like your friend or an adult..he's not..he's your child who has a long way to grow. ...don't beat him..., but if you spank him ( at home)it will embarrass him into humiliation to reconsider his position. Throw him over your knee and spank him. Teach him right from wrong now before it progresses to something worse. Who's the adult here,?who's the parent...you are! He's too young to have a say , and a girlfriend. He doesn't even have the mental comprehension of what that means yet. He's too young....teach him now while you can. Take charge you're the parent.

Allow him to play by "big boy" rules but don't be afraid of corporal punishment,He's 11.
Also, he might be bored with "normal" activities, give the kid something more outdoorsy to do but less competitive.
Remember, you're his parents, not his friends. its ok to be the bad guys when he steps out of line.

a reply to: TheOneElectric


Even though you are not currently a parent, I appreciate your input.

Being consistent as a parent is essential to being a decent one so, I think I have that under my belt already.

It truly is a major component to being good parent.

I'm far from perfect as a mother but, I'm pretty confident that I have the basics down to a T....it's the unexpected issues that I'm struggling with at this stage.

I somehow forgot that the little booger was going to actually grow up into a young adult....yeah, I forgot to factor that little tid bit into the mix.

you need to assert and regain authority in a clever amd mature way. don't teach him violence is the way to be.

a reply to: rickymouse

That's just it...I don't freely let him hang out with his friends. He does at school and while he is at baseball practice/games.

He just seems too young for that much freedom...at least to me. I don't frickin' know...thus this post.

He definitely doesn't have an issue with confidence...at all. If anything, he's a bit too "cocky".

I'm completely out of my realm of understanding. Again, my reason for posting this thread.

urggghh...

Being from a different generation will probably get flamed for this .. but it does work .. had problem like that from 3rd son when he was that age ..
The fix - a walk out to the treeline and a good hiding .. cured his attitude problem fast once he realised it would not be tolerated and that there were consequences that happen due his attitude ..
Took two trips as he was stubborn ..
He turned out good these days he is working as a doctor in kyoto and him and his wife are expecting their first child so will have another grandchild to spoil in a few months ..

At times with boys you have to be hard on them .. otherwise they will push the limit and run wild.

a reply to: MagesticEsoteric

Your family might also try more social/community responsibility. Community services, donations of time and work for less fortunate. Open his eyes to the world, do not shut him in. Soup Kitchens, Wounded Warrior Project, building and/or cleaning, renovation projects for lesser privileged communities. Show him life is more than the individual. Once he accepts responsibility to something greater than his own fledgling ego, he may self correct, but keep in mind, he is only 11 and has to be taught...no, he has to be SHOWN.

originally posted by: R3v3l4710ns
I would suggest trying to find a hobby that you, or your husband, and he may have a similar interest in. Find something that will make him feel 'cool' to the other kids.
Some suggestions:
-Take guitar lessons together
-Buy a beat up quad or minibike and learn how to work on it together

I think it may help to bring him back to you, without him realizing it...because he'll initiate his interests under the premise of "my friends are going to think I'm awesome!"

We are so beyond that at this point....not that we haven't tried though. My son just believes he is just too cool for anything we offer.

We are complete old fogies in his mind...nothing we suggest is cool.

Seriously?

It couldn't happen even if I tried.

I would never admit this to him but, he could sooooo take me down.

He's so frickin strong. Trying to put him over my lap to spank him would be a disaster....and I would lose. What good would that do other than to prove to him I couldn't actually do it.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

can you give us an idea what you have suggedted?

a reply to: MagesticEsoteric

All im gonna say is, 'better now than later in life'.

The way i see it is, if he gets all this negativity out of him early in life, which is what it sounds like, then he wont have to deal with it later...

however, if he keeps it locked up, it is NOT good!

everyone rebels at some point in their life.... better earlier than later! better a slap on the hand than a jail term!

a reply to: MagesticEsoteric

I agree that is probably too much freedom for an 11 year old. Giving him some freedom in choices is a good place to start. Don't always say no to everything. By that, I mean when he asks to stay up for an extra few minutes... Let him. He will feel like he has won a small victory. When he asks to use the computer for a bit longer. Let him. You don't have to do it all the time, but when you do, he will be appreciative that you are not completely unreasonable and that will mean something to him.

ETA- It may take starting off bargaining with his attitude as well.The next time he wants something and he has been acting terribly disrespectful, make it clear that the only we he will get it is if he earns it through attitude adjustment. He wants to stay up later? Tell him you need to see a change in attitude for a week and then let him stay up a bit later if he complies. He might be 11, but a reward system works for everyone who is old enough to realize what's in it for them.

Tell him he needs to show improvement in a week or he will lose all TV and Internet time. Then follow through. If he succeeds reward him with giving his time back and then some.

All of our kids are different and all kids will respond to different things. And unless there is something going on mentally, he will start behaving better if he is truly suffering the consequences of his actions. Sometimes it feels like they could out wait you and you will eventually give in without following through in the punishment. You can't give in. If you have to take everything until he sees the light and it is taking weeks... Then that's what it takes. You may have to make his life miserable (and no parent really wants that), but it is better to do so now while you still have some control, than put it off for him to suffer harsher consequences by behaving that way in the real world.

originally posted by: Meldionne1
Spank him! ...he's 11 going on 9 . Don't treat him like your friend or an adult..he's not..he's your child who has a long way to grow. ...don't beat him..., but if you spank him ( at home)it will embarrass him into humiliation to reconsider his position. Throw him over your knee and spank him. Teach him right from wrong now before it progresses to something worse. Who's the adult here,?who's the parent...you are! He's too young to have a say , and a girlfriend. He doesn't even have the mental comprehension of what that means yet. He's too young....teach him now while you can. Take charge you're the parent.

He has a friend that is a girl...I do not let him go on "dates"...he's too young for that.

As for the spanking...won't happen. Not for lack of wanting, he's just too strong and too big for that. Even if I tried he would just turn around and laugh at me.

Trust me...I've tried. I just ended up looking like an idiot...and a weak one at that.

I'm a tough chick but, he's my size....it's pointless.

I do take charge and to a large degree he still knows that I'm the boss. I just see myself losing that status slowly but surely and it is starting to worry me.... a lot.

a reply to: MagesticEsoteric

I'm just so worried about the current path I see him taking. His behavior is what is worrying me to death.

Despite how you tell him you love him its the worry on your face and in your tone that he sees.

Worry is a form of blame. It blames him for things he might do. It delivers the message that you are convinced there is something wrong with him. He gets that, not love.

When I was a kid and received that unspoken message time and again so much to the point I finally caved and became what they were worried about.

My thinking was, "If I am going to be blamed for something I haven't done yet or blamed for stuff that I didn't do then what the hell I might as well go and do something to get blamed for. Why not. I am already a failure in their minds. Whats the difference?"

You want to cease the worrisome looks and displays if at all possible. They are the opposite of the love you claim to shower him with.

You are the source of his problem with self worth and self esteem. One day he will be the problem, then you can still blame him and say you were right all along.

For shame. Stop worrying / blaming him for stuff he hasn't done. These are your fears instilled into him.

originally posted by: MagesticEsoteric
Seriously?

It couldn't happen even if I tried.

I would never admit this to him but, he could sooooo take me down.

He's so frickin strong. Trying to put him over my lap to spank him would be a disaster....and I would lose. What good would that do other than to prove to him I couldn't actually do it.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

then your husband should do his duty as a father and give the boy the hiding he deserves .. it takes both parents to raise a child ..

a reply to: MagesticEsoteric

"I'd agree with the statement, it does seem like he wants to be older than he truly is. In my opinion, from what I've read, it doesn't so much seem like he doesn't understand or doesn't comprehend that you love him, but it seems to me that he needs to understand his privilege(edit). It would be beneficial in my mind to help him understand who he is, and what he wants to do, but guide him in such a way that allows him to discover himself. There is also a possibility that he has something on his mind, or something troubling him. In many cases, people, not only children, will bully others because they themselves are either stressed, jealous, or nervous about something. Personally, I don't know him, but this sounds like it may be the case. Talk to him, and pry a bit if you have to, but don't try to force him to talk if he doesn't want to. As for the aggressive outbreaks, I don't quite understand the magnitude of it, but I'm to assume that it would most likely be punching, kicking, etc. As for this, I agree with disciplining a child, be it by removal of privilege or by force. Obviously, one does not have to a beat a child, but anything you may find fit to enforce the idea that he has no right to strike anyone without reason. However, this could also return to him just having a rebellious streak. Perhaps he needs to be shown new things, other than sports. Try introducing him to music and instruments. Perhaps he simply needs to express himself. Hopefully my advice may help you. Best of wishes to you and your family, and I hope that all goes well in your endeavors."

Okay, so my 15 year old son just wrote that. I asked him to come and read the thread and I then asked his opinion. His opinion is exactly quoted above. he typed it himself.

Obviously, I'm a parent, but there are sometimes things parents can not comprehend, things we just don't get. So my son gave is honest 15 year old opinion. He went on to tell me that sometimes when people are being bullied they release their anger, anxiety and/or stress on other people. He went on to say that "Sometimes the biggest of bullies have been bullied themselves".

So, that's it. I don't really have anything to add. I didn't have this issue with any of my four children...my 15 year old son being the youngest. I have three grown daughters. I did have different issues with two of my daughters while they were in high school. One of my daughters has a famous father and she told a friend of hers in high school. Once her story spread she got bullied. The odd thing about this daughter was that she fought back before ever telling us what was going on at school. She was an honor roll student who did get suspended that one time for fighting. But... she did fight the bullies back and yes there were several. My other daughter, received scholarships to attend an all girl private high school after having a congressional acknowledgement by Congressman Adam Schiff (she went on to receive a US Congress Academic Award upon graduating from a public high school). After her sophomore year at this all girl school and even after being the athletic MVP as a freshman, she did everything she could to get expelled from this school. She did get expelled and ended up graduating from a public school. I have one daughter who never gave me any problems and she's graduating college from a public California University on Saturday. The daughter that got expelled from the private school graduates from Temple University next year and the daughter that got bullied dropped out of college and now runs her own business...she's very successful.

My husband and I both thought that we were giving our children everything. I remember the beginnings of My Space and how awful I thought that was for my girls. Now, I have to worry about Face Book and every other social media outlet in regards to my 15 year old son who thus far, has never ever done anything wrong (keeping my fingers crossed).

Many of the times, it's never your fault as a parent. All you can do, is do your best with what you have and protect your children....just don't overprotect them. Reality for an 11 year old nowadays IMVHO is good as long as it's supervised.

The days of shielding our children from reality are over. You better let them know what the hell is out there before they learn it the hard way.

This again is only the opinion of myself and my 15 years old son. His opinion is highlighted and quoted.

I hope this helps you out. If there's anything I can do, please let me know via private message.


Love,

TPE & 15 Year Old Son


ETA
I forgot that when my son was in kindergarten, he was bullied. His father and I told him after getting no resolution from the principal, to go to school the next day and knock that kid down on his ass...he did, was reprimanded and continued on with his normal education. This may sound mean but to us as parents, it was the only way to handle a bully. My son has had the same set of friends since kindergarten and in my opinion they're all pretty normal boys, most of them are straight A students. We had to use ruff justice since the school did nothing. That's how our parents raised us and so be it. I believe in fighting back when you get no help. My son differs....I'm old school though.


The other kids parents removed their son from the school...we have never seen him since. As a matter of fact, the other boys mother was on the PTA!