Parents of ATS: I need your help...In a desperate way, I need your help!

I'm at a loss and I am desperate. I have an 11 year old boy that is almost out of control.

I fear for him. I truly do. Despite all of my efforts I fear I have lost him.

My husband and I have given him a very stable home life, we have provided love and support, nurturing and devotion beyond any expectation I could ever imagine.

Yet, middle school has changed him beyond belief. He has a new group of friends that are apparently the "cool kids" and the "athletic kids" that rule the roost...so to speak.

He has this demeanor about him that comes across as if he is always "performing". He acts as if he is.... well....upon a stage of sorts..performing for others as a form of entertainment.

My husband and I are very much "hands on" in our approach to raising our two boys but, this school year has us sitting back wondering what the hell we have done wrong with our oldest son.

We limit his exposure to t.v. and internet. He doesn't have a cell phone. We keep him active in extra curricular sports.

I'm at a complete loss as to why he is acting out the way he is...

He is so disrespectful towards us and absolutely evil towards his younger brother. Absolutely evil in that he has become physically violent.

I'm really worried.

I've tried everything I can imagine to try to get through to him...Nothing..NOTHING has worked so far.

I also know that some of the problems started after he became boyfriend/girlfriend with the "popular cheerleader" girl at his school but DAMN! That can't be the whole reason for his behavioral issues.

I could really use some advice because I'm at my wits end with this craziness....I really am.

ETA: It's starting to effect our entire family in such a negative way that it's beyond normal. His behavior is actually effecting everyone...even our extended family.

Everyone in the family is voicing their opinions on what should be done to correct his behavior and I'm just exhausted with it all....I'm just so tired of listening to what others in the family think I should try and do b/c...mostly...it's crap advice.

Nothing...so far, has even remotely worked.

Thus...my plea to ATS members for advice.

he is 11, still a child, sounds like he thinks he's 16. kids go trough that phase. let him know you love him.

his behaviour is a problem, not him.

originally posted by: taoistguy
he is 11, still a child, sounds like he thinks he's 16. kids go trough that phase. let him know you love him.

his behaviour is a problem, not him.

Without a doubt he knows I love him...I tell him all of the time.

I'm just so worried about the current path I see him taking. His behavior is what is worrying me to death.

We started having some issues with our kids and really started looking into their diet, the grocery store is full of poison and once we got on a organic vegetable based diet things really improved. Refined white sugar is a drug and it's in everything. Wheat also brings out the worst in one of my girls. Diet and tonnes of exercise with as much love as they can handle. Good luck

You should get some great advice on here , hence your plea.

I am not in the position to give you that advice as I've been in the pub most of the night.

However, the 1st thing that came to mind is that he could be gay? Or something similar? And feels oppressed/controlled by all the effort you're putting in?
That was my 1st impression anyway (probably totally wrong) butt maybe you could widen/extend the boundaries you have for him, give him some room and responsibilities?

It sounds like you're great parents, and some kids just want to rebel.
This is going to be tough (if I'm on the right wavelength) but hang in there and give him room to be the person be wants(or is trying to) be.

Btw he needs to be constantly reminded how precious his siblings are. You'll have to pick and choose the moments to subtlety let him know this.

Sorry if this was a ramble and no help. I just wanted to give you my 1st impression in a simple messages.

Good luck, stay strong

originally posted by: BCJOE
We started having some issues with our kids and really started looking into their diet, the grocery store is full of poison and once we got on a organic vegetable based diet things really improved. Refined white sugar is a drug and it's in everything. Wheat also brings out the worst in one of my girls. Diet and tonnes of exercise with as much love as they can handle. Good luck

Wow :-|

a reply to: MagesticEsoteric

First of this is hardly the forum to ask advise about an out of control boy.

Seach advice of a child development specialist. There are many online forum that are more appropriate and with varied theoretical bases. I can't help as my are grown.

This may just be a phase, and normally it gets worse before it gets better. Mom and Dad are no longer goddess and god. Peers step into that position for many young people in middle school.

He is not and never has been your possession, he is his own person with his own feelings and ideas, that are just beginning to make themselves known, repect his opinion and he may come to respect yours.

Force never works - natural consequences do. Let him make his mistakes and learn from them - be there to pick up the pieces. Worked for me.

Find people to talk to....

Remember he is probably losing his mind too - find a way to understand and help each other.

I would take him out of public schools and home school him. It's the only way he won't be drawn into that clicke mentality. Separate cause from disease. IMO

a reply to: MagesticEsoteric

Get him in the Big Brother Program, asap. He will listen to a college age mature male that he perceives as someone he would like to be. It takes a village. Avoid the church, kids do not want church, they want role models that they are allowed to have independent relationships with. Good Luck either way you go.

Being part of the cool crew and having a cute\popular girlfriend can put a lot of pressure on a kid, sounds to me like he is trying to fit in and follow his friends shenanigans.

Maybe your son feels a little bit smothered. Its around this age that kids tend to rebel. My mom had a great solution to the problem, a little added responsibilty in exchange for a little extra pocket cash. Idle hands are the devils playground. Id highly suggest a chore list and some allowance.

a reply to: OpenEars123

agree with giving him some respons5bilities. if he wants to be grown up...
could be the making of him. this is an opportunity.

originally posted by: BCJOE
We started having some issues with our kids and really started looking into their diet, the grocery store is full of poison and once we got on a organic vegetable based diet things really improved. Refined white sugar is a drug and it's in everything. Wheat also brings out the worst in one of my girls. Diet and tonnes of exercise with as much love as they can handle. Good luck

I wish it was that easy...we are very stringent in our diet and especially what we feed our kids. Definitley not diet related but I appreciate your input.

originally posted by: TheMainEvent
Being part of the cool crew and having a cute\popular girlfriend can put a lot of pressure on a kid, sounds to me like he is trying to fit in and follow his friends shenanigans.

Maybe your son feels a little bit smothered. Its around this age that kids tend to rebel. My mom had a great solution to the problem, a little added responsibilty in exchange for a little extra pocket cash. Idle hands are the devils playground. Id highly suggest a chore list and some allowance.

That's something we already have established.

But, I do appreciate your reply.

originally posted by: w8tn4it
I would take him out of public schools and home school him. It's the only way he won't be drawn into that clicke mentality. Separate cause from disease. IMO

Unfortunately, the "click" mentality exists everywhere in this world....to one degree or another. It's just part of living in this world. Home schooling will not change that.

a reply to: MagesticEsoteric

This is just my opinion. You seem honest and I really hope he wakes up and this is just a phase.

This also isn't criticism just a theory.


Maybe it's the fact you may have sheltered the boys a little too much. Instead of preparing them for the "dark side" of life. You've givin them all the morals and structure they needed but might not have prepared them to deal with the "immoral" things that we all get tempted by. That most of us are going to experiment with reguardless.

As Example you tell your kids drugs are the devil and all drugs are the same. Well when they run into pot later as a teen and try it. Then discover it's not that bad. IMHO they will be more likely to think everything you said about drugs was BS. Rather then realize pot didn't deserve to be in the catagory with meth heroin, and coc aine.


Same way if you don't explain that it can be fun to bully, but it makes you a really $/I!!y person. Maybe they might not make the right association when put in that situation.


I have a ten year olds daughter and my plan is to prepare her for life. Not to Shelter her from it.


That and he might need to have your husband snatch him up and show him how tough he isn't. It will be best for him anyway because he'll go to a bar some night and try that stuff with a real tough guy and get hurt badly.

originally posted by: FyreByrd
a reply to: MagesticEsoteric

First of this is hardly the forum to ask advise about an out of control boy.

Seach advice of a child development specialist. There are many online forum that are more appropriate and with varied theoretical bases. I can't help as my are grown.

This may just be a phase, and normally it gets worse before it gets better. Mom and Dad are no longer goddess and god. Peers step into that position for many young people in middle school.

He is not and never has been your possession, he is his own person with his own feelings and ideas, that are just beginning to make themselves known, repect his opinion and he may come to respect yours.

Force never works - natural consequences do. Let him make his mistakes and learn from them - be there to pick up the pieces. Worked for me.

Find people to talk to....

Remember he is probably losing his mind too - find a way to understand and help each other.

Well, I respectfully disagree about this being the wrong forum to bring up this issue.

I personally think this is the most appropriate...for me at least.

To each his own

My mom has always said that you have to pick your battles. If you are choosing to win every battle then he will try his best to create war. It's a natural thing to do.

So -

If you are searching for some honest feedback, I would say that he might be rebelling because he is not being allowed to do anything on his own. It sounds like he doesn't get a lot of chances to make his own decisions or do his own thing on occasion. Being that this is the internet and I do not live in your household.... I could be completely wrong.

However, you did mention that you monitor and restrict his internet, you restrict what he can eat, and you keep him busy other times with extra curricular activities. Now, I am certainly not saying that you shouldn't care what he does online, what he eats, and what he is allowed to do in his free time. You are still the parent and must have some form of say in it of course. But you shouldn't want all the say. We learn by making mistakes, but we do learn. If one is never allowed to make a mistake, how is one ever to find out how to deal with the consequences.

Children naturally start pulling away from parents at around this age. They have to, else they would never leave home. Some kids rebel regardless of how they were raised. It just happens. But maybe he is rebelling because he feels he has no control over anything in his life right now. He feels the need to control something, and his attitude may be what he is showing you he has the last say in.

It's just a guess and I mean absolutely no offense, but you did ask for opinions and that is mine given the sparse information any of us here have to go on.

I do wish you the best of luck. I have a 16 year old daughter that I have been extremely lucky with so far. Kids will definitely drive you to an early grave at times.

I'm a long way off from being a parent. I'm only 23 and don't plan on having kids for another ten to twelve years, but I think I know what the kid needs.

Enroll him in some afterschool something. Nothing that all of those "cool kids" are a part of. I suggest some marital art (If you choose an east asian style then get someone authentic who is literally from the region, not the white guy from down the street. I say this because they'll know a thing or two about alternate forms of discipline. If you want something American, an all around MMA mix is fine with any [ethnic/region] type of person. Just be sure that person knows a thing or two about discipline and restraint)
I also suggest hockey or lacrosse.

If neither of those options sound appealing, then enroll him in an after school thing where he is learning a new instrument. The learning curve for guitar isn't extremely steep, and if you go for an easy instrument like that be sure to throw in another activity like a foreign language.

This kid is acting out because he has extra energy and his brain is structurally changing (like all young ones moving into puberty) while not being stimulated in the proper manner.

So...get him into something physical where he learns discipline, respect, honesty, and honor or get him into something that requires focus, practice, and dedication.

OH, AND BE CONSISTENT! BE CONSISTENT! BE CONSISTENT!

He'll thank you endlessly for helping him garner some skill whether it be fighting/spirituality or lingual/musical. Well, he'll thank you when he gets older.

Good luck.

That is a hard one. It sounds like the bunch he is hanging around with is boosting his confidence too fast. Confidence without experience and proper perception is not good. The idea is to somehow dampen back the kid but not bust his confidence till he learns more. When he gets out on his own he will benefit by the confidence, but getting it too early is not good. Fixing This is not easy in this society. You will have to boost your awareness to catch his mistakes and dampen his spirit a little.

Knowing the problem only gets you halfway there. I do not know how to fix this. My brother had a problem with this a little, and his son straightened out on his own. When they are in this state, it seems that they do not believe that their parents know anything. The conditioning of society and their peers seems to take precedence. Twelve years old is a little young for this, usually it happens at about fourteen or fifteen.

Good luck, I wish I could tell you how to fix this but I have never experienced it. Maybe take him fishing instead of letting him always hang around with his friends. The tranquility of fishing in a stream does wonders for a kid.