Do I have the right to push him so far?

Myomistress
If I let him, he'd get sloshed every single night of the week. Am I wrong to put limits on his drinking?

Just... What do I do? Do I let him drink himself stupid? Do I keep limiting him? I'm at my wit's end here. Things seem like they're getting better and then the cycle repeats over again from the beginning.

First off, if you came here expect9ng everyone to commiserate with you, poor baby, and validate your every feeling, you probably came to the wrong place. That really isn't our job here. I illustrated these quotes because I think it illustrates how delusional you are. You're acting as if you are the Mommy and you can control and "limit" him simply by announcing that he has a limit by decree.

You're not in charge here. But you're acting as if you are. Next you'll be telling him he is restricted in the number of times he can see his friends per week because it will "upset you" if he does so more often. Perhaps he drives too fast, so you will have to put limits on that, and if his job is not good enough, you'll need to demand he gets a better one. There is really no end to self-destructive behaviors you will need to control and change over time.

And after all, he's been your boyfriend for a whopping nine months and already you "love" him, get into fights with him, and he frustrates you to your "wit's end."

Can you imagine what being married to this guy would be like? What's your relationship going to be like in ten years? What if you add the stress of howling babies to this mix? Do you think that will sober him up?

Probably not, huh? So unless you just love playing the role of a co-dependent and enjoy working on this "project," perhaps you'd better get out before you become so mired in this bog that you can't easily get out.

Right now you still have your freedom and you are capable of walking away. Let's see if you can do it, or is your addiction as great as his is?

reply to post by Myomistress


He sounds exactly like I was when I met my wife. She stuck it out for far longer than she should have before I quit drinking. I had no idea what sort of impact it had on us until I quit and I don't think she truly understood either.

Looking back over all these years, I wish she had given me an ultimatum before we got married. I have a great marriage as it is but I can only imagine how much better it would be if I had quit drinking at the start.

Perhaps he would leave if you did this but that would be him making the choice; not you.

If he knows about your previous drinking problem and still chooses to get wasted in front of you every night, I would advise packing up and moving on. He does not respect you.

I had a second cousin who drank like this; he was actually quite charming no matter how plowed he was, and I don't think looking back on it that I ever saw him sober.

He drank himself to death by the age of 35 (after marrying a lovely girl who left him rather quickly once she realized that marriage wasn't going to change him); he was in and out of hospitals so much with dozens of broken bones that his medical file was over six inches thick. His family tried everything; rehab, tough love, kicking him out of the house, taking him back in again; I still don't know how he afforded it, he must have literally lived on alcohol with very little in the way of real nutrition. He lived on the streets for most of the end of his life and was beat up by other vagrants numerous times. His death broke his family's heart, but there was nothing they could do that worked. His other two siblings were healthy and normal, so it wasn't anything family-related to his childhood.

Get out before you end up lying in bed next to stale vodka-breath and pissed on sheets, wondering if he's going to be in a violent mood today or not...

He doesn't love you, he loves booze, for whatever reason.

You didn't break it and you can't fix it!

ketsuko
You can't change someone. Only they can change themselves.

If he hasn't changed himself, then he doesn't want to. And if you have a problem yourself, then sticking around him with his problem is only injecting a lot of unnecessary stress and temptation into your life. You saw the need to change yourself. Why jeopardize that for him if he isn't going to make the effort to change?

If you leave him, one of two things will happen for him: He'll either realize that he likes having you around more than the alcohol and begin to change himself -or- He'll keep on drinking.

There's no way to tell which way it will go, but staying with him isn't going to make him change, either. You need to take care of yourself.

Myomistress,

Agree with ketsuko's above quote. He has to want to change.

I've known lots of men like this ..some women too. I have little use for career drinkers and have wound up babysitting them till the next day so that they dont go out and kill someone else or get killed themselves.

I dont want a career in taking care of someone like this or as another poster very very aptly stated raising children in this type of enviornment.

I am not against drink or alcohol..I am strongly against stupidity...his and yours both.

Your time is a valuable commodity in this world..so too your love. Why would you put yourself in a position to receive second best or second or third fruit while giving first fruit to this fellow. Your time and love are more valuable commodities in the marketplacce to cede them to the bottom of a bottle. Think it through. Dont let your emotions ruin you or cause you to take second or third place while giving first fruits.
You dont need to be taking on this type of project you have to making or creating against long odds...or this emotional train wreck baggage.

Someone else called this type of thing on your part..co depencency. I call it the rescue me type of thing. You are not rescuing this fellow from the bottom of the bottle. He has to want to do it himself. He has to become self regulating...this is called growing up..maturity. Do you want a career in an immature man??
Is that your co depencency ..that you are going to rescue this fellow. Those are long odds agains the spirit in the bottom of the bottle.



Hope this helps,
Orangetom

reply to post by Myomistress


Think about yourself. You've already beaten that problem for yourself. Congratulations on that, by the way. I have great respect for someone who can overcome an addiction like that. You do not need to have a bad influence like him in your life. Not that you will start drinking again because of him, but you know how such a problem can debilitate somebody to the point where that's all they care about, and put alcohol before even those they love, and who love them.

You don't need that. You should be out there really enjoying life with someone who will not drag you into their own little world. Let him live his life the way he is choosing to live it, while you go out and be truly happy. It is obviously a big issue for you, or you wouldn't be trying to put limits on his drinking, or posting on here asking for advice. It's already affecting your own life, and I hate to see people, especially women, allow that to happen to themselves. He's not worth it. Please don't allow his being an alcoholic dictate how you should live your life. Get away from it.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT!

I've been in your situation, know it's hard, but please find your self preservation now and not later.

My brother and his wife just lost custody of their kids due to eight years of alcohol and violence. They should never have allowed that to happen but they put the alcohol over and above.

Your boyfriend's drinking is controlling you if you don't act on behalf of yourself and move on, and vow that you deserve better.

I understand how you feel, i have been in the same situation twice. The first time i chose to support, the second time i chose to get out, because of my previous experiences.

To put it bluntly, you will love him if he is in your life, or if he isn't. It is not necessary to sacrifice yourself for love. He clearly has issues and hopefully in time he will face them deal with them and move on. For you to stay with him and attempt to control his drinking, is nothing but enablement. You are enabling him by accepting him cutting back on his consumption. The only way to deal with a drink problem is to stop drinking totally. Once the issues have been dealt with a crutch isn't needed, those who have not developed an addiction can learn to drink socially. Those who have an addiction have to stop and never touch the stuff again.

Get out now, perhaps that will be his tipping point and he will realise by loosing you he has to deal with this properly. Perhaps he won't. That isn't your choice, its not within your control, its not up to you, about you or even anything to do with you. It is his problem that he needs to face accept and deal with.

If you stay you will become co dependant, (if you aren't already) his issues will become yours, you will loose yourself in them. There is no happy outcome to look forward too.

spend five years with him and he will destroy you.

an excellent book to read is co dependant no more. It is very useful and full of wise advice for those who get caught up with addicts.

If you are unhappy with his drinking and he hasn't stopped you are allowing him to disrespect you and your needs. By allowing disrespect, what are you teaching him? That you don't deserve to be respected, that your personal boundaries are unimportant, that you do not value yourself.

I wish from the bottom of my heart, that mind melting was possible, as i would love to show you how personal destruction creeps up on you so slowly you don't notice, a dysfunctional lifestyle becomes normalised and you don't even see it.

Right now a close and dear friend of mine is drinking to excess and has been for fifteen years. she has lost the house she owned, 4 of her 5 children have moved out, that includes a 12 year old!!!!!!!!! she is in an abusive relationship because she believes no one else would accept her drinking. If she wasn't an alcoholic, she could have her pick of men. Her 18 year old son wants to move away to university but refuses to leave his 14 year old brother alone with the issues.

although i am not in a sexual/partner relationship with my friend, the situation has become so destructive that i have been forced to tell her i am stepping back from our friendship until she gets her issues under control. Every time i go on holiday abroad, she flips, (the two probably are not connected) last time, i had been away three days and she took an overdose.

I feel dreadful that i haven't been able to help her, but i want a positive successful life and while i am part of her alcoholic drama and dysfunction, there is not space in my head, or time in my life to get on with my own plans.

I could write pages and pages about all i have experienced and the consequences of it, but i don't want to bore you.

been there done that and bought the tee shirt. I will never again have a "practicing" addict in my life. its an over my dead body type of thing.

please save yourself, perhaps relationship counselling may be a good place to start?

reply to post by Myomistress


Alcohol over time tends to have worse negative effects and less positive effects I am noticing at least for me. I am slowly easing off the alcohol, but it never became a problem(besides health), that I can see. I'm happy all the time, I'm always coherent and fun to be around. I care about people. I've been with my girlfriend for 4.5 years, and an alcoholic for longer than that. For me and her it works, and there were times in her college days she would even out drink me. I know there is something about me that is probably different from most addicts though. I value my honor and name over the addiction so even if I am drawn to mess things up I don't do it because I have an even stronger desire to be good.

I can tell you though, he is 99% likely to keep on drinking, and as you mentioned it's ALREADY a problem. It gets worse from here on out. You would be happier with someone else. He would be happier with someone else. Heck even down the line after a breakup you guys could each be that someone else for each other. Maybe he quits drinking after you break it off, and six months down the line you see him in a coffee shop or something, but for now please DO NOT stay.

I just opened a beer. If beer in the morning on your day off sounds even the slightest bit strange to you RUN. There is nothing wrong with liking people who are sober and care about you. You deserve it. Now get to it.

reply to post by Myomistress


You have to leave. There isn't really anyway around it, all your limit is really doing is first breeding resentment. And second as you have already witnessed giving him a challenge to work around. He doesn't respect you and probably never will. People with a substance abuse issue have to work that issue out on their own terms or it will never stick.

My dad is a alcoholic and my bf does drink but not amount as yours (i assume).

I been with him for 3 years now and his drinking is getting very bad. He gained weight but he isn't a aggressive drunk or a paranoid drunk. I have asked him to low the amount (i won't put limits on it) because it is unhealthy. I don't know if he did listen to it because i only seem him on weekends (lucky it would be 2 weekends a month).

If it bothers you greatly and he truly doesn't listen. Maybe you should consider leaving him? I experiencing the same thing.