Im searching for something i cant find.

Ever since me and my girlfriend split my view on life has been completely different. How can someone say they love me for that long, only to completely grow cold on me and bail. It's the most confusing painful emotion ive ever experienced. For once in my life i felt significant, important. I had somebody I could share my thoughts, fears, emotions with without fear of judgement because I knew she loved me and would never look down on me. And then one day everything went away. I was no longer significant to someone.. I never felt so alone. I tried filling that spot with hanging with lots of friends, lots of partys, drugs, sex etc. But at the end of the night all we want is somebody that is all about you.. I just want to feel love.. even tho im young it's just something i FEEL i need to have.. Im not that person who just wants everything. Ever since I was young i was never the cool badass guy who could scoop up girls off there feet. I was always a sensitive, empathetic person who always tried to see the good in people no matter what they have done. I just always believed that there has to be a girl out there that can sit and watch movies with me and get into them like I do, someone who can sit here and listen to me talk and actually be interested in what i have to say, someone who is happy with ME and is not searching for the bigger better deal. Someone who will stick with me to the end no matter what hardships we might face. Someone who actually likes to hang out with me because they enjoy my company and not my money and things and the opportunities i might offer. Someone who loves me for who i am.. I hope i find that someone someday..

There are certain things in life that you cannot find, but will find you. Hang in there my friend, keep your chin up and never lose hope. Good times are ahead buddy

reply to post by BruceEFury


My friend, pain is one of the lessons of this world. When it comes to love it is something I believe to be a little misunderstood. I have not been much a player myself and for the longest time I beat myself up for not hooking up with whatever random chica I could. I have always longed for something meaningful and in the process of searching I have discovered that you can not truly love another until you love yourself. To place your happiness in someone elses hands is far to much of an expectation to place on someone. I recommend reading a book that changed my entire understanding of love. It is called The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz. Once you are the source of your own love you are able to love others with uncoditional love and then there will be no more fear! I wish you well on your journey through your pain, but know this, it has its purpose and at a time in the future you will reflect and be grateful you allowed your heart to be broken!

Link to book
www.amazon.com...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395649587&sr=8-1&keywords=Mastery+of+ love

You don't need anyone. Enjoy being independent. Get along by yourself.
Society/culture/media has ingrained into your psyche that you are nothing alone, and it's just not true.
Know yourself. You can trust yourself. Other people, especially females are flakey and have one foot out the door at all times.
You don't truly need any of that, unless you're a glutton for punishment.

reply to post by BruceEFury


Anyone have advice on this? I'm looking for good friends even of either gender aghhhh.

Some things find you seems like good advice. Similar to the advice if you build it they will come.

I'm just looking for people irl to talk to in a meaningful way I can be myself around. I guess the best way to be myself is to be myself. I hope that helps

I definitely agree with elementalgrove, and I would add that you need to understand yourself. Now, unfortunately it is not an easy road, but you will be far better off in the long run, happier and more contented. When you are the source of your own power (rather than looking for completion in others) then others will seek you out. You need to be self-contained and not looking for a partner to make you whole - you need to be whole without a partner first, THEN find an equal who will be naturally attracted to you.

It is well known that the more 'desperate' a person is to find a mate/soulmate/lover/etc then the relationships take on a 'needy' or 'clingey' kind of quality and do not satisfy or last.

I also recommend that you focus on others rather than yourself. When I was young I was a very shy person which I have since learned is a me, me, me thing. I was always focusing on how I felt and how everything affected me and it was this which was feeding the feelings of shyness. As soon as I recognised that everyone (well, most people) feel self-conscious and nervous when first joining a group, then It became a matter of trying to talk to others to make them feel less shy etc. Doing so helped my own shyness.

reply to post by BruceEFury


Never underestimate the human capacity to ignore feelings and block emotion.

Strength or weakness?????

reply to post by BruceEFury


Bruce, I believe there is a special person for each one of us and you will meet her only when the time is right.
I know it's not easy, but you need to stop thinking about it and realize that that love will only come when you are ready, and you can only be ready when you become happy by yourself....love your own company, enjoy your life and then, one day, unexpectedly, you will meet her.......and everything that's happened to you will make sense then.

Love works in mysterious ways, my friend.

I've been in the same boat and look at it this way;
It was not meant to be. You will meet your fate(whatever it is). I had no plans on settling down. I'd been screwed over by a few women and I decided to be a loner. But then, I met my wife, whom I have been married to for almost 15 years and have 3 kids with. It happened when I wasn't expecting it, or wanting it, but then I realized that it would be helpful to me to have someone around to fix my sammich and wash my clothes(kidding).

My point is, just keep on living life and what supposed to be, will be. You cannot even imagine what that is. The sad thing is that there's a lot of worthless people out there and sometimes it's hard to see the truth. It can be like being lost in a big forest. Eventually you'll find the exit into green pastures and mini bars!

BruceEFury
But at the end of the night all we want is somebody that is all about you.

I don't want to sound snarky, but consider what you said above, that we all want somebody that is all about us. At the end of the night, marriage (or any long term relationship) is not about you or us, but about the other person. But as was said earlier, it's important to figure out who you are first. Take care. Heartache sucks, but you'll get over it. Don't try to fill up the hurt with lots of things...let the hurt help you heal.

Looking for love is like bashing your head against a wall. If you find "love" that way you are deceiving yourself. And from your description, it's as if nothing changed but that she left. That's unlikely. Something DID change between you, even if it was her becoming tired of your neediness. I'm going to suggest that this is the heart of the problem here. It's quite a burden for anyone to bear and not everyone can take it. Without dwelling on that, what do you do? And for God's sake don't argue with me or others who are providing advice. You asked for it. Here it is. Take it or leave it.

Be yourself. That sounds trite, but it has power behind it. I mean that you ought to do what interests you. The old adage, "Live as if you were going to die tomorrow; study as if you were going to live forever." comes to mind. What are you interested in? Well, do it. Put yourself into that space. Make it happen. If it can't happen immediately, make it a goal and move toward it. If you love flying, get a pilot's license. If you are interested in paleontology, immerse yourself in it to the point where you know it intimately. If you enjoy woodworking, learn the trade. And whatever you do, learn how to support yourself, too. I don't mean to be materialistic with a goal of getting rich; I mean support yourself so that your survival is not your main focus. You're not going to learn to fly if you have trouble paying the rent. Whatever you decide to do likely costs some money to pull off. Don't make the lack of it stop you.

Don't worry about the mythical "her," because you know what? She'll be there when you least expect it and when you least DESIRE it. She'll show up when you are focused on something else. She'll be earning a pilot's license alongside you. She'll be working in the paleontology lab, or she'll run a retail outlet that takes woodworking on consignment.

She's basically out there waiting for you to do something useful so that she can share it.

So get to it.

OP congratulations you've just made it into a very popular life club, heartache. Nothing matures the emotions like pain, sad but true. But this pain is not earth shattering and this too shall pass for you. Embrace your pain and learn from it, pain always has much to offer.

Now what are your passions? How do you spend your spare time? What are your goals and ambitions? Follow these first with a great dose of self love and you'll be on your way to finding out who you are, what you want and what kind of partner you wish to settle with. When we know what we want in our life it becomes easier to fulfill because we do it with a knowing and not with a desperation. Enjoy your life, even single it has so much to offer.

BruceEFury
Ever since me and my girlfriend split my view on life has been completely different. How can someone say they love me for that long, only to completely grow cold on me and bail. It's the most confusing painful emotion ive ever experienced. For once in my life i felt significant, important. I had somebody I could share my thoughts, fears, emotions with without fear of judgement because I knew she loved me and would never look down on me. And then one day everything went away. I was no longer significant to someone.. I never felt so alone. I tried filling that spot with hanging with lots of friends, lots of partys, drugs, sex etc. But at the end of the night all we want is somebody that is all about you.. I just want to feel love.. even tho im young it's just something i FEEL i need to have.. Im not that person who just wants everything. Ever since I was young i was never the cool badass guy who could scoop up girls off there feet. I was always a sensitive, empathetic person who always tried to see the good in people no matter what they have done. I just always believed that there has to be a girl out there that can sit and watch movies with me and get into them like I do, someone who can sit here and listen to me talk and actually be interested in what i have to say, someone who is happy with ME and is not searching for the bigger better deal. Someone who will stick with me to the end no matter what hardships we might face. Someone who actually likes to hang out with me because they enjoy my company and not my money and things and the opportunities i might offer. Someone who loves me for who i am.. I hope i find that someone someday..

edit on 24-3-2014 by BruceEFury because: (no reason given)

Love's pain has struck again. I'm going to have to get a posse together to kill that elusive bugger.

You love no less at 20 than you do at 40. You need love no less, you experience love no less.
Yes, the love one may feel and know at different stages in their lives may morph, but love is love is love.

I could say a million and one things, but they wouldn't help in this moment. Because this is the moment you are in and not the moment of next year or five years from now.

In the time between not touching and colliding with another human being, you simply must trust your self to keep your self sane and healthy. Love is coming but you're not going to rush it, name it, direct it or draw its picture.


This really is most excellent advice:

schuyler:

Don't worry about the mythical "her," because you know what? She'll be there when you least expect it and when you least DESIRE it. She'll show up when you are focused on something else. She'll be earning a pilot's license alongside you. She'll be working in the paleontology lab, or she'll run a retail outlet that takes woodworking on consignment.

Love is not something you get
Love is something you give

When you give love
Then it is attracted to you

If you think you can find it somewhere
Other than in yourself
You are looking in the wrong place

What you want, is you want it now...
that's why so many folks are in 'bad' relationships
they settled

Find patience
Took me 29 years for my first real love to come
the love you are talking about that is
Then he died from Leukaemia

I went through more bad relationships
and then I quit for 5 years
Then, when I least expected it
It showed again
But it didn't fill the hole

Filling that hole
took me, loving me, and believing I am lovable... all the time.. no matter what...

reply to post by BruceEFury


I won't pretend to know your ex's mind on this, but it would seem to me that in your complacence is what ended things. You don't have to be the coolest badass of all badasses. But you do have to be man have some ambition and a at least a general direction. No woman is going to settle for the guy just willing to do just enough to get by. The single biggest mistake most men make is forgetting to court their girlfriend or wife once they become a "relationship". She hasn't changed gentlemen she still wants to date, she still wants the occasional surprise and she still wants you to have some ambition in your life.

reply to post by BruceEFury


As a person that recently ended my relationship after a couple years, it's possible that things just weren't working out between you two. I should have ended the relationship after 1 year, but I couldn't bring myself to do it - if anyone else apart from my close friends saw us as a couple, they'd think nothing was the matter. I broke it off not because I hated her, but because I could see that there would be problems farther down the road (and, as a side note - I no longer felt happy around her).

Most important thing you can do for yourself right now is not jump into another relationship right away; take some time to get to know yourself - Go bowling, take a road trip, invite friends out on a movie adventure. The more you learn about yourself, the better off you are. And then get out there doing the things you like - chances are, there's at least one other person out there that will like at least one of the same activities.

Also, don't try to reel in the first fish that bites immediately - take your time, observe them, interact with them, and see if they are a good match; if not, cast them back into the pool and try another. There's plenty of fish in the sea, but you want to make sure a great white isn't the first fish on the line

-fossilera

In order to be in a healthy relationship, you have to be ok with being alone. Love your self first. If you are dependent upon having some one else to fulfill your needs you become a drain on that person. Being in a relationship with someone should enrich your life, not fill a void.

BruceEFury
Ever since me and my girlfriend split my view on life has been completely different. How can someone say they love me for that long, only to completely grow cold on me and bail.

That's the way Oxytocin works. Look it up and study it. It will help you in the future.