How would you correct a 20 year old child for this?

reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe


In this day and age the number of people who are homeless don't have anyone to rely on. Until you yourself endure the pain of losing your job, losing your domicile, and being thrown out, then you'd understand. Only certain "special" cases that I have witnessed myself tells me to just leave them the F alone with their addiction. You may never see what I have seen. But if it keeps people sane then leave them alone.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. That is why I say if he keeps acting up then call the police. But I have seen heroine addicts become the nicest people. You'd never know that Heroine kept them from getting too angry.

One of my friends had an addiction to coke... Didn't find out until after he died in a horrible car crash, just after 4th of July weekend, that he had a coke addiction. Father of one with a girlfriend. Great worker and was always positive. In fact he was my supervisor. He died on South Parker Road near Belleview in Parker Colorado.

The L drug that endS with D. Heh. I know a co-worker back in Denver who needs his fix every day. But excellent worker at Pepsi Center. Never had an issue with him. He was the most hilarious singer.

These are very uncommon and very few instances where these illegal drugs didn't affect me, or anyone around them.

I have met so many professionals that smoke weed though. They never had issues with me, and they never had issues with anyone else. I have run into a few who become stupid when they smoke it, but the ratio of bad to good is 1:7.

reply to post by JohnPhoenix


Well he isn't really a child so much anymore so it isn't like you can "punish" him. First he is on probation, one of the requirements to being placed on probation is that they can come by and search your house anytime they want to as long as he lives there without a warrant. The second thing you have to do in this type of situation is when you catch him breaking the rules you call him out on it every time. It doesn't mean you have to put him out, that is a decision that is entirely up to you as to if and when you may need to. But you do have to keep the air open when such things happen.

His living quarters are a sofa bed in the living room, as far as I am concerned he has no expectation of privacy in that location. So your wife finding his stash is not snooping. At 5, 12, 16, 20 or 40 the person paying the bills is the one in charge it's your rules if he don't like he can leave.

I know this post is a couple of weeks old, but here is my response....

You are in a tough situation OP but you seem to be looking for a way to balance discipline without alienating him. That is hard to do in the best of circumstances.

I don't know if this will help, but might I suggest you sitting down with your wife and writing up a contract. List all the house rules and what the consequence will be for breaking them. Get creative in the consequence department, use household chores he doesn't like, x number of hours of volunteer work at a local homeless shelter, etc... Also list what he is getting in return, a roof over his a full belly, a evening out for dinner with the family, etc...

Then present it to him, discuss it, let him voice his ideas & have everyone sign it. Post it somewhere he will see it every day.
Then have him write out a list of short term and long term goals with what he needs to accomplish to attain each goal. Then have him post that some place where he can see his positive visual reminder daily of what he wants.

And get to know him. Does he like to fish, hike or work on cars? Find some common ground for you two to bond over besides your wife. You are an important part of her life and you should work on building your own relationship with him as step-dad.

I don't know anything really about your step-son, but it seems to me he might need some guidance about how to get his life back on track.

I hope this helps in some way. Best of luck to your family.

First off, I wouldn't give a damn about the kid knowing I confiscated them.

Second,

What good are rules if you don't enforce them?

Is exactly right. He knew the rule, and the consequences, and yet did it anyhow. (likely knowing there would be no consequences). You'd be doing him a DISSERVICE if you DIDN'T kick him out. He needs to learn there are serious consequences for serious violations.

a reply to: whyamIhere

ya I know when he first said drugs I thought it was crack or heroin lsd, you name it. But it turns out its weed, cigarets have a higher probability of killing you. I have known some druggies, and dealt with them, and you have to understand the addictive personality they have. There is this image out there that druggies always end up bad, which is true, but I seen them and even hanged out with some of them, I would say for a majority of which this case I would label in the overeating retarded childish category, literally making a mountain out of molehill and making it worse, if anything the 20 yr old kid would be better off by himself, after all it seems the mother parenting skills lead him to this and its blown out of proportion thereby making it worse and worse each time.

What I am talking about is the more hardcore ones, they either end up dead on the streets of which I have seen as well. Or a greater majority end up to cope with there addictions, they get a job and not only life a normal like life, but in some cases there addictions fuel there success, and yes there are plenty of successful people who do hardcore drugs and have families and all of that. There is a reason why drugs are a multi billion dollar industry, and that's just on the illegal ones, the legal ones are also very profitable, and all dope dealers know that selling extremely harmful product will kill there consumer base and they would then become poor. This # is just silly if you dont know how to deal with a kid who has some pot on them instead of making it a crime and castrating them then you just suck, like I said the kid would be better of completely cutting himself off from the OP his mom and most especially the due gooders and the law which is just trying to cash out on his habbit, for they are many things but rarely do any good. Now this better be more then just about some stupid pot.

It's not about the drugs. It's about the lack of respect and unwillingness to follow the rules, let alone the law which he was already in trouble for breaking. By sheltering the kid, one would just be enabling him. Time to let him swim in the deep end for a bit on his own.

By all means, take him back once he realizes how hard it is, but only if he's willing to then follow the rules.

a reply to: Gazrok

Oh ya. So how is taking away his weed and flushing it going to do anything? I mean its his house his rules, but obviously you all have little clue to the mentality of the addictive personality, its simple really, others have said it before. Its just a form of escapism, some have other hobbies and addictions but it is the same thing. I mean lets see, from what little I read the dude got kidnaped and ditched when young, how that happens I dont know, but apparently he has been in trouble with the law his whole life, he works what 9 to 5, and they probably charge him up the wazzo for those so called help classes, and I am quite sure that after work sitting around listening to some dude talk about things which he has no clue on is so going to help solve his problems, which would leave him with enough time to come home sleep and repeat the day all over again. I would say, he definitely sounds like he needs something to take away the daily stress, maybe he should join the chess club or a book club or something more progressive. But we all have our hobbies is seems.

Oh ya! But its simple really, weed may be his particular choice in escapism, some go out and party all night, of which I doubt he has the funds and time, others read books or hang online, which may not be his thing. Others like i said are more addicted to harder drugs, and some smoke cigarets to blow the stress. But lets face it, and like I said above, taking away his stash of weed is going to change things as much as taking away a smokers cigarets. I mean have you tried to take somebody cigarets and flush them down the toilet? Even when they were living under your roof? Do that, see what happens, what will the response be and what will it ultimately accomplish? The answer is absolutely nothing will happen but they would be a bit more smarter on hiding there cigarets. The same concept would apply here.

The truth is, its all a matter of circumstance. And to tell the truth like weed or other substances, I dont see how people can be addicted to cigarets, if you cant quit cigarets your must be a pretty weak willed individual, and you should definitely stay way from the harder drugs. As for sheltering him, oh wow ain't he lucky, # like I said, the dude would be better off alone. I mean he has a job, and he may be low on funds, but it seems like a lot to put up just for the pleasure to sleep on somebody couch and be treated like a dog who just tracked mud all over the house. I am sure he could find a better place to stay at, somewhere were they wont be stealing his property and flushing it down the toilet and were the couches are more roomy, a hellhole one room apartment would be better it sounds like.

Because really that's what they did, and like i said if he was a smoker it would accomplish about the same thing. # most smokers I know would probably be aiming for the head if somebody flushed there cigs down the toilet, oh yes there would be violence for sure. I think this thing is blown way out of proportions and there making a mountain out of molehill, and its obvious they dont want him there, it would just be better to leave him alone till he has the funds to pack up and move on.

For me, wouldn't be about the drugs, but the constant lack of respect and inability to follow the rules.
The kid needs to learn to appreciate the opportunity he has to live at home, and how to respect the rules of living there. Right now, it seems the kid has NO consequences, so of course he is going to keep doing whatever the hell he wants. Why shouldn't he?

I know this from PERSONAL experience. My stepson is 19, and is the same damn way (minus the weed). He constantly does nothing around the house or for anybody, and we supported his ass for a year while he was trying to find a job. Now, instead of paying us towards all that back rent, he'll go blow $60 on a damn e-cigarette smoker to try and look cool for his girlfriend. (and of course, he broke it the very first day, like he breaks everything). Thing is, he NEVER had to live on his own. He was kicked out at 18, and then came to live with his mom and me, because he simply had no other options. I love the kid like he was my own, but damn, he's just obsessed it seems with being a complete loser. And he's a smart kid. I really think that all he needs is a few months trying to make it on his own, to really then appreciate what he has here....but no way will the wife kick him out (though man, she's come close a couple of times).

a reply to: Gazrok

Ya well we all have a bad habit of superimposing our experiences into every little facet of others experiences. I would say you and your wife issues with your 19 yr old stepson are just as different as they have anything in common with the OP's problem, at the very least your stepson seems to be addicted to something that is much more easier to quit as a habit, his whole lifestyle choices seem much easier to get over the the latter.

And in fact from what you said it seems the dude probably has little issues and is a normal 19yr old. But in all every kid needs directions in his life, which would probably be the only the only thing your stepson and the OP's kid would have in common. In fact that right there has stumped parents for ages, you may as well call it that age old question which has stumped everybody ever since cavemen times, and most times it is better to have a crappy idea and plan were everybody agrees upon then none at all, or worse to many of them, or even worse to see the ins and outs of them all. Lets see here, pretty much every generation has done on average exactly the opposite as the other generation that came before it.

So what would be that this generation will do?

Basically the same thing that you did when that age, and if you were in that circumstance, and eventually you would grow out of it and move on, and so will he, it just may take longer though because lets face it even for the slowest out there this is not the cookie cutter already made world of the 40's or the 60s or even 70's and 90's. And the more you have to think about, and the farther you grasp of things and of this world, the harder it is to move on and iterate into it. Which is why the ignorant, and blissfully unaware, or those who have tunnel vision in there life's, have such a easy time of moving on to the greater part of our world, and in to our societies.

But off course there are ups and haphazard to that as well, sometimes hilariously so, and sometimes million and millions die all because of having the wrong people, in the wrong place and time, and a bit of a misunderstanding and shortsightedness blissfully unaware. Its just the way things go, and sometimes I have a hard time knowing the difference of which if funny, and which is not, or maybe there all funny, maybe the whole world is just a laughing matter and that is its natural and logical outcome every or so generation.

But yes your stepson and the OPs little 20yr old problem will both move on one day, its not only written in there genes, its there fate, you just may have to wait a bit longer then normal in this day and age. You know, old people tend to have this saying for the younger generation of "dont complain" well you all sure do complain a lot it seems. Like fathers like sons, like mothers like daughters, it seems to be the way of things.

Yeah, I know he'll grow out of it, I just want him to have the right mindset when he does. Currently, it feels like we're just enabling him, vs. empowering him. We've tried the nurture route, but it just didn't seem to be working... At least he's working now, so that's something....and he actually seemed to like his job, at least initially....until it became actual work. I think he's allergic to work of any kind. Even bringing home groceries, when time to bring them in, he runs into the bathroom hoping he'll get out of it.... Doesn't do any good, I just wait until he comes out and then have him help.

Slowly, but surely, he's realizing it, that we all have things to do, and if you just do them, and get it over with, more time to do fun stuff.

originally posted by: nightstalker78
You can't deal with a 20 year old like you would a child. It won't work. He'll just laugh at you.

If it were me,being that it is MY house and he was warned he'd be thrown out.No questions asked. End of story.

That $100 would've been better off in the bank saving for his own place.Some people need to learn that hard way.

What good are rules if you don't enforce them?

Am very inclined to agree with you.

And, I used to be even more of a 'strict' mind-set . . .

I have learned through a lot of decades that things can be more complicated than I like to see them as.

I still tend to come down on the side you espouse.

My nagging other thought is that . . . IF . . . a huge if . . .

there's any chance of building a stronger relationship that might have a better chance of rescuing him . . . would that be a higher priority than tossing him out.

Yet, RELATIONSHIPS MUST be built on truth and trust. And enabling is not a wise move.

So I'm torn.

I still tend to think that wisdom is 55% on the side of tossing him out. Maybe a compromise would be to set him up in a cheap room renting from someone quite aware . . . for a month or so. I don't know. That could almost be a reward for his misbehavior and I wouldn't be for rewarding any of his self-destructive stuff.

I wonder what other ways there are to show caring without enabling. Tricky, it seems to me.

a reply to: Gazrok

Sounds like you have a reality based perspective.

Good on ya for not letting him skate by the household chores.

Sounds like he needs a long list of lessons in the school of hard knocks.

Trouble is, some of those lessons can carry a huge tuition cost . . . and even be terminal.

Sigh.