Fallen (dialogue Extract)

opinions wanted, i am trying to express lots of back-story and info in this piece of dialogue but to me it seems like a bit of information overload. what do you guys think? should i break it up more?


Leon opened the huge oak doors of the temple and made his way inside. The interior was just as magnificent as he had expected, marble statues of the seven archangels formed a circle in the centre of the room and within that circle marked upon the floor was a five pointed star. Leon studied the statues more closely, a brass plate at the base of each statue held an inscription the first one read “Michael, who is like god” The archangel Michael gripped his sword with both hands, the blade pointed towards his feet, Leon moved onto the next statue and read the inscription “Gabriel, Might of god” Gabriel stood proudly, his alabaster wings unfurled as if he was about to take flight and return to the heavens. Leon sensed movement behind him and turned to find an old man wearing black robes sitting cross legged within the five pointed star “ who are you?” Leon asked as he took a seat on the floor directly facing the man, he took several measured breaths before replying “ I think the better question is, who are you? Leon Deveraux!”
“well you seem to know exactly who I am so it's only fair you return the favour.” Leon Retorted.
“who I am is unimportant, it is your search for truth that has brought you to me.”
The man looked directly into Leons eyes and for the first time Leon noticed that his eyes were completely white but not the hazy opaque white of a blind man they were the same brilliant white as the archangel statues, he bowed his head once more and began to speak “ It's very simple Leon, you are drawn to this place like a moth to a flame and just as the moth seeks the light you seek the truth. It's an urge that will not subside it will be with you until the day your heart stops beating, I can give you some of the answers you are searching for but you must understand that in most cases the truth will not set you free, you may find yourself drawn into a world from which there is no escape if you cannot accept this then I must insist that you leave now and never return.” Leon considered what he had said for a few moments before deciding that he had come too far to leave now without any answers as to why he was being hunted by one of the largest PMC firms in the world, he wanted to say something aloof but all he could manage was “ I understand, please continue.”


The old man stood as he began to speak “ how well do you know your Milton?” he asked casually as he gently polished the bicep of the archangel Raphael. “As in paradise lost? I know the basics.”
“Good! Now disregard everything Milton wrote, I am going to start at the beginning which may take some time so please refrain from interrupting.

“The war in heaven had been raging for eons, the rebel campaign was not without its victories and the loyalist factions could not agree on how to defeat the lightbringer and his army. The archangel Michael devised a plan to trap Lucifer, He asked god to create a prison so that Lucifer might be contained where he could do no harm to the mortals and so god created the realm of hell.

“Michael commanded the heavenly host to meet the rebel army on the battlefield, many angels fell at the hands of the rebels before Michael managed to face Lucifer in open combat. Michael emerged victorious and using a spell cast the lightbringer into his newly created prison where he could do no more harm.

“The loss of Lucifer was a fatal blow to the rebel army and they surrendered, The archangel Raguel decided that the rebels could not go unpunished for the angelic lives that they had taken and he asked god to create a realm so that the rebels could be exiled from heaven and so the rebels were cast out of heaven to the realm of purgatory where they must remain in exile until the day of judgement.”
“That's a lovely story but what exactly does it have to do with me?”Leon asked
“what did I say about interruptions? I am getting to that.” The old man replied unable to mask his annoyance.



“You see Leon, angels can only exist in this realm if they occupy an earthly vessel. Lucifers prison prevented him from taking a vessel but the fallen who were exiled to purgatory had no such limitations. When a human becomes a vessel for an angel the angel becomes the dominant presence in that body, the human consciousness will remain dormant until the angel leaves or is killed and then the human soul will ascend unto heaven. You could essentially bump into an angel in the street and have no idea he was anything other than a regular mortal man unless you look directly in his eyes.

“The fallen are divided into two factions, those who remain loyal to Lucifer can be distinguished by their eyes which are entirely black, throughout history they have come to be known as demons for they take great pleasure in tormenting mortals. Those who are not loyal to Lucifer have sworn to protect the mortal realm from their twisted brethren, they are known as the watchers and their eyes are a brilliant shade of the purest white.”

You could have your hero find a parchment, then simply quote the parchment as he is reading it. It is faster and the reader is put into the shoes of the hero for a short space of time.

Just a suggestion. If you need the watcher in the storyline then wait until your hero has finished reading and while he considers the words you can have the watcher ask if he understood it.

Just another way of doing the same task.

P

Ph03n1x
opinions wanted, i am trying to express lots of back-story and info in this piece of dialogue but to me it seems like a bit of information overload. what do you guys think? should i break it up more?

It's hard for me to tell when to end a dialogue box too. What I tend to do is write what I want the character to say, then read it out loud. Does it sound natural? Is it a complete thought? Could I use less/different words? Does it need something in between the thought to break up the dialogue?(He stares deep in thought, then continues)

If I am too involved in the story to separate myself from the character, I'll underline that part and come back to it later. Although on here, I just tend to write and post, if I'm doing a serious piece, it takes me quite awhile to get it to flow properly.

Just some ideas, take them as you will. Hope it helps some.

I was going to direct you to this thread, but I see you already found it! I think that the advice you get there will be very helpful to you and your writing.


Thanks,
Blend57

reply to post by Ph03n1x


Feels like I dropped into a story at the midway point. Surely the protagonist endured a long journey to reach this encounter for some personal reason that explores who he is as a person?

I also feel you could have taken liberties in order to bring more depth and dimension to the story. What you have right now is waaaaay too predictable.

reply to post by AfterInfinity


It feels that way because this point in the story is the beginning of the 2nd act, you are right the character has been through a long journey just to get to the temple.

It's a story i have been working on for the past few months and i have all the details worked out with regards to the characters and where the story is going, i only posted this section because i was having difficulty with regards to the information being given...

i understand this part of the story might seem like it lacks depth but again that is because you are only getting a small part of the whole picture here...

i was going to post it in it's entirety but i would like to have it finished before i do that...

Thanks for pointing out that it seems predictable, that's something i will have to work on..

thanks for helping out

reply to post by pheonix358


hey 358,
i actually considered using a parchment to get the historical information across but in the 3rd act there is a historical artifact used as a plot device and i didn't want to come across as a one trick pony if you get my meaning.

i decided that the watcher would be perfect to give this information since he is an integral part of the story going forward.

thanks for helping out

blend57



If I am too involved in the story to separate myself from the character, I'll underline that part and come back to it later. Although on here, I just tend to write and post, if I'm doing a serious piece, it takes me quite awhile to get it to flow properly.
Blend57

I am always too involved, when i am writing i eat, sleep and dream my characters. I can't help it, it's something i have been doing since childhood and i find it very difficult to be objective.

Thanks for the advice Blend, i appreciate it

It sounds like your story is similiar to the " Constantine" movie with Keannu Reeves. It's a trip to think angels and demons or fallen angels walk amongst us. Your story already sounds really well written, I didn't think it was too predictable. Because I posted on this it will be in my profile, and I will look from time to time to see if you have written anything else. It s really well written sounded like it was straight out of a novel or something.

If this is the second act, does your " hero" go on a quest where he might meet some white eyes angels or black eyes demons? Is this an ephinany point in your story? Is your story " linear" meaning sort of every scene has to do with the story and ending. Important and pivitol. You write really good.

reply to post by letmeon


I wouldn't say he goes on a quest... in the beginning he is just a normal guy until Demons try to abduct him

(the demons are part of a private military contract firm, this is how they move around freely)

he makes a huge discovery about himself and his life takes on a whole new direction from the one he had planned as he is thrust into the middle of this shadow war between the Demons and the Watchers.... there is no linear quest so to speak but there is lots of plot reveals and surprises...

i will post it in it's entirety when it's finished but that is still a few months off, with these particular characters i want total perfection.

Thanks for your kind words

This is the 2nd part of this dialogue, i decided to give the entire back-story at one time. i think it works well, what do you guys think? too much?



“The fallen are divided into two factions, those who remain loyal to Lucifer can be distinguished by their eyes which are entirely black, throughout history they have come to be known as demons for they take great pleasure in tormenting mortals. Those who are not loyal to Lucifer have sworn to protect the mortal realm from their twisted brethren, they are known as the watchers and their eyes are a brilliant shade of the purest white.”


“You're one of the watchers?” Leon asked with a sigh of disbelief
“Yes, but what I am isn't nearly as interesting as what you are!”
“What do you mean? I'm your average college drop-out, there is nothing special about me!” His heart was pounding in his chest now. The old man sat down facing him and smiled “Leon! You have always known you were different. Tell me what you know of your parents.”
“I know my mother died giving birth to me and my father left me in a crowded church when I was three days old before going outside and shooting himself in the head and even then nobody told me what happened to him, I came across a local newspaper article when I tried to find him.” Leon was visibly shaking now, thinking of his mother always made him feel overcome with rage. He thought of a time when he was still in high school. One of the guys on the football team had commented on how he had killed his own mother, he was so infuriated he blacked out only to come round moments later straddling an unconscious linebacker with a newly broken jaw.
“Don't feel bad for him, he got what he deserved.” the old man said without lifting his head
“You saw that? Great! You can read my mind, That's not creepy at all.”
“No Leon I cannot read your mind, I can only see what you allow me to see.” Leon stood up and began to pace back and forth between the statues of Raguel and Azrael, “OK, enough with the history lessons tell me why I am here and what exactly it is that you think I am?”


“As you say.” he replied as he rose to his feet, he seemed exceptionally agile for such an old man and then Leon noticed that every candle in the temple had spontaneously lit. “ I can't tell you why you are here because I do not know but I am now absolutely certain that you are the child of the archangel Ariel.


“What I am about to tell you is something that you cannot discuss with anyone ever, when we are finished discussing it we must never speak of it again, do you understand?”
“completely.” was the only reply he could muster
“Angels have no free will but fallen angels are not restricted by heaven and that is why every single Angel that has ever fathered offspring has been one of the fallen and all have done so by inhabiting a male vessel and impregnating a human female, that is until your mother. She was no fallen angel, she was an archangel the first archangel in history to manifest free will and with her new found ability to make her own decisions she took a female vessel. Your mother, the warrior that she was would never debase herself by mating with a human so she chose a mate from the ranks of the fallen. When the other archangels heard of what she had done they ordered the watchers to kill her and the abomination she carried, they would not allow a pure blood hybrid to exist so I brought her here and hid her in the ancient complex beneath this temple. Nine months later she gave birth to you and died in the process, she knew that birthing a hybrid child would kill the vessel and her along with it but when she decided to do something there was no changing her mind, I suspect you and her are similar in that regard.”
The old man paused for a few moments, allowing Leon a chance to absorb the information before continuing “After her death I cast a spell to repress your angelic nature and took you to a church in Mount Hermon, Virginia where I paid a man to take you inside and lay you down at the alter, when he walked outside to receive payment I shot him in the head.”
“So my fathers alive? Do you know where he is, Who he is?” Leon interrupted, He couldn't understand it, he just knew that the old man wasn't lying. “ I asked her about your father many times, all she would tell me was that he was a warrior. I wish I could give you the answer you want but I have faith you will learn the truth about your father when the time is right.
“When the time is right!” Leon screamed in frustration “ you just told me that my mother gave her life so that I could live, that there are six archangels who would love nothing more than to see me burn in hell and I mean that in the most literal way possible. If there is a better time for me to find my father then please enlighten me because from where I stand I need an ally.” he punched the statue of Samael in the jaw, the sound of the bones in his hand breaking echoed through the temple but Leon did not cry out.


The old man took Leons injured hand in his own and muttered some words that Leon could only half understand. “what language is that?” he asked curiously as he felt a warm tingling sensation in his hand as the pain subsided. “it's Enochian! the same language inscribed on these statues, the language of the angels” Leon looked again at the inscriptions on each statue and for the first time he noticed that they were not written in English as he had first thought “Incredible, I can read these.” he said in amazement
“of course you can, being in this place is giving strength to your angelic nature, soon your grace will break free of my spell entirely.”
“what does that mean?” he asked nervously
“it means you need rest, the alcove on the back wall has a hidden stairway I trust you can find your room?”
“my room?” Leon asked confused
“it was your mothers room but it's yours now, I will come for you in a few hours.” Leon walked towards the alcove and descended the stairs leaving the old man alone with the archangels.


“Why did you Lie to the boy about his father?” a voice asked from the shadows
“He's not ready, not yet!” the old man replied as he descended the stairs to the compound below.

Ph03n1x
I am always too involved, when i am writing i eat, sleep and dream my characters. I can't help it, it's something i have been doing since childhood and i find it very difficult to be objective.

Thanks for the advice Blend, i appreciate it

edit on 29/11/2013 by Ph03n1x because: (no reason given)

I tend to "live" my stories too. I hate stopping in the middle of writing to correct my work. That's why underlining it as I go helps, I can come back the next time I sit down and read/correct it when I'm "me", before I dive in and get too involved in the story. I can always sense when it's not flowing well, but I don't want to interrupt my thoughts while I'm writing.

Glad you found something useful in my response.
I put your thread for The Writers Room in my sig line. Hope that's o.k. I think that putting resources for writer's all in one spot will be helpful. And I will be sure to add some content to it shortly.

Also, put Druids thread down there, I think they go hand and hand.

Thanks,
Blend57

This has the potential to be a fantastic story. But it does need a lot of polishing first.

So, he is nephilum ( I think I spelled that wrong) . The child of angels and demons. I was playing the new Devil May Cry game, where they started the story over and they said in the game nephilum are incredibly powerful and Dante is one. He s got the power, I don't know if he can mess with Lucifer, but lesser powerful beings in the game. Really powerful Demi- gods or demons or something. Again great writing, I can see you spent a long time with this it sounds professional. I wish I could write like that people here tell me my writing in posts isn't eloquent . :-) Good Luck with the story.

letmeon
So, he is nephilum

Well that is the question isn't it? if the Nephilim are a result of angels procreating with humans, is the progeny of two angels still Nephilim? or are they something else entirely?

How is a pure blood hybrid different from a Nephilim?

these are the questions that will be answered as the story reaches it's conclusion...

reply to post by Ph03n1x


I enjoyed this.
I don't know much about writing a story at all...

It truly captivated my attention from the beginning. I'm so glad there was more to read as I scrolled down. I say good job friend

Peace ~~>>
-nat

reply to post by natalia



thanks Nat,

it still needs lots of work to tie all the pieces together but i just love writing with these characters, i get totally lost in it... hopefully if i push myself and do all i can to polish it up maybe one day i can get this published... in a world where twilight and 50 shades of disturbing can sell millions of copies using mediocre ideas i have to believe there is hope for the rest of us hehe

thanks again buddy