Family Death And Drama

Well, three days ago my grandmother passed away. She was almost 90 years old, and I kinda seen it coming. The last visit to the hospital she had, well, she stopped getting around herself, she stopped eating, and she stopped knitting. She averaged I would say 3 finished pieces a week on the knitting scene, when she wasn't knitting, she was making a quilt. She had 23 sweaters for my niece last time I went to the US, sweaters and hats from infant siz until about 5 years old size. She knitted stuff always, and when she stopped doing that, I figured she might be going soon.

A little about me, I am not very brave. I am not a church person at all, I don't know those rituals. I don't understand french fluently. Today at my grandma's wake, I was told, that I was going to be the one leading the fruneral procession. I would have loved to do it, but I do not know what to do at all. I do not know the layout of the church. I feel like total # saying no, but I am not the only one. The daughter of the aunt that decided to change everything also told her no. My aunt told my cousin that she was going to be the priest's assistant as well, she doesn't ask, she tells people. And my aunt went behind everyone's back and changed everything. I didn't even know I was supposed to be a paul bearer even, but for my father, I will do it.

Also I love my grandma, and I feel she would want me to be a part of it. I was one of two of her favorite grandkids, and the other one is dead already. I feel like an asshole, and I wish I could be better. I get panic attacks in crowds, had a few today just at the wake. I feel like I am letting everyone down, I wish I wasn't like I am. I wish I was OK, I wish I was normal. I wish I understood french, and I wish I could lead the procession. I wish churches didn't creep me out, I wish I could believe in that heaven #. I wish I could believe in Jesus. I wish I could believe in God. I don't know where God and Jesus are, and why they won't answer my prayers. Maybe I was just born scum, and destined for hell. Maybe Dog has hardened my heart like he did the pharoes, and I am just doomed from the start. Maybe I am hitler reincarnated or something, who knows. I wish I knew what was what. I wish I knew why I am here. I am glad that I was able to give my grandmother her last birthday gift, that counts for something I suppose.

Family deaths seem to bring out the worst in some people...at least that has often been my observation.

Sounds like your grandmother accepted and loved you as you are...and you loved her back.
That is the important part.

Do it for yourself and your grandmothers memory......

I wish you luck with the events tomorrow.
I'll send some good thoughts your way.

I too hate to go to those family things...and they usually turn out better than I worried they would be.

Thanks, I appreciate the kind words. I refuse to believe that my aunt acted with malice, I see no reason that she would want to embarass me or my cuz. I think she overestimated us, and that also hurts a bit. I don't think she knows about my panic attacks, and how I don't feel great around crowds at all. I will be strong for tomorrow, for my father, aunts and uncles. Sometimes I hate being me, but I cannot be anyone else, so I do the best I can being who I have to be.

reply to post by TKDRL

I would have loved to do it, but I do not know what to do at all. I do not know the layout of the church. I feel like total # saying no, but I am not the only one.

I don't think you did anything wrong. If you are uncomfortable with all that tradition and ritual, that might mean you are actually more aware than all those others that seem to embellish it. Self doubt can be the healthiest thing. It means you are human, questioning, humble.

I bet your grandma is knitting angels wings with a bright smile.

Oh Honey, don't beat yourself up over this. I'm sure Grandma wouldn't want that now would she?
I am so very sorry for your loss. You have my deepest sympathy. I wish you strength and courage in this difficult time. HUGS!

reply to post by TKDRL


My condolences for your loss and feel for you about the conundrum that your Aunt is putting you through. I have a Step-Mother who is like that. But the family no longer plays along. Now that causes drama.

Maybe you should talk to the priest officiating the funeral and have him explain the rites. That could calm your nerves a bit. Also a glass of wine couldn't hurt either. But just ONE glass.

Even though you'll be grieving for a while, the funeral is just one day. You can get through it. I've seen your posts, you are stronger than you think you are.

reply to post by TDawgRex


I don't think I will be taking no wine, nursing a wicked hangover this morning. Hoping the exxcedrine kicks in before I get there lol. Funny thing is I think she shook up all my beers, every single one foamed over on me

reply to post by Night Star


Knowing her, she probably would have told me I could just stay home lol

reply to post by TKDRL


Take care of yourself today!

reply to post by TKDRL


My condolences for your loss,

I am not very brave.

I say it takes a bravery to say such.

I wish I wasn't like I am. I wish I was OK, I wish I was normal. I wish I understood french, and I wish I could lead the procession. I wish churches didn't creep me out,

Everything you wish for is in arms reach to you my friend, all it takes is a change in your perception.

Its easier to say than do, but don't let hardship stop you from your goals of understanding.

I wish I could believe in that heaven #. I wish I could believe in Jesus. I wish I could believe in God.

You can, your beliefs can be chosen even if they make no sense to you and the world around you is evidence that your beliefs are wrong. That is the freedom we possess.

I don't know where God and Jesus are, and why they won't answer my prayers.

Where are you looking and asking for answers?

Look within, it may be scary at times but within is where you will find all that you require when it comes to a spiritual side of reality.

Maybe I was just born scum, and destined for hell. Maybe Dog has hardened my heart like he did the pharoes, and I am just doomed from the start. Maybe I am hitler reincarnated or something, who knows.

You do, whether you want to truly believe in such is up to you, your free will.

I wish I knew what was what. I wish I knew why I am here.

Within yourself once you search through all the darkness and all the light and arrive to the nothing I believe you will answers to these questions you wish to know.

I am glad that I was able to give my grandmother her last birthday gift, that counts for something I suppose.

If you loved your Grand mother and she loved you is what I think is all that counts,

In a material sense I believe it helps the grieving process to say the final goodbyes and have a some resolution by leaving nothing unsaid while we have to time to say it.

Thanks for sharing your personal grief with us and I hope we (the ATS community) can help in your understanding and moving on.

reply to post by intrptr

Self doubt can be the healthiest thing. It means you are human, questioning, humble.

And brave in my opinion, like they say they are not, it takes bravery to question one self because you have the ability to change your perception doing such, and change can be frightening to some as it takes time getting used the new and over the old.

Like anything "in moderation" should be pointed out for self doubt.

This why you said "can" be the healthiest thing.

To much of anything will be unhealthy, especially self doubt.

It went as well as it could have, murphy took a vacation thankfully. Didn't walk into anyone, trip and fall or anything, looked like a dope a few times, that comes with not understanding the language. Sucks I never learned acadian lol. The service itself was pretty boring not being able to understand it, and kinda strange. Stand, sit, stand, kneel, stand, kneel. The ritual is almost like aerobics. Lowering a coffin into the hole in the ground was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It hit me pretty hard throwing that handful of dirt.

May sound dumb, but I was proud I was able to get through it next to dad, without having a panic attack and needing to pop a tranq. Came close a few times but remembered to take slow deep breaths. I think we did her proud.

reply to post by TKDRL

I know...after many years...Mass did me the same way...even though it came back after awhile. But a foreign language would be difficult...

Congrats on getting through it...I knew you could get through it
I'm sure your dad was proud...and your grandmother, too :angel:

I can well imagine the part about lowering the casket...we didn't have limos for my dad's funeral...and I had to do the driving behind the hearse....even many years later, the thought chokes me up....I don't know how I did it....

reply to post by DontTreadOnMe


No limos here either, but they had a fancy minivan for us pauls to ride in, everyone else walked from the church, took them about 5 minutes or so, gave us time to be told how to lower it properly. It was the old fashioned way, with these long straps, some cemetaries have fancy elevator like things, just push a button.

One thing about this town, is big on tradition and customs. We haven't had to cook a meal in days, everyone just keeps bringing food. Probably won't need to cook for a few more days still lol. It's a nice town, just frustrating sometimes because of the language thing. Most people can speak fluent english, but prefer acadian.

reply to post by TKDRL


My sympathy my friend. I carried my dad, then my mom at their funerals...big church funeral in the South. I am an atheist, felt more than out of place. I got thru it and was damn proud of myself. Even spoke at my moms wake. It;s about you and your realtionship with your grams. Let everything else slide. Peace. The love she had for you and the love you had for her is all that ever really mattered anyways. Good Luck.