I am a native north american, and I am well into the fire water tonight

Yeah, you read it right. I am native, and I am hitting up the cheap liquor hard tonight. I no longer drink that often, but when I do, I drink to get drunk. I drink at those times when I can't take the world anymore, and it's eithre drink until I pass out, or do something stupid. I will be typing very slow.

Tonight is one of those nights. I feel like I cannot relate to most people in the world, and feel alone alone alone. I feel hate from everywhere, and it overwhlems me completely. I never asked to be born, at least not that I remember. Maybe I am a masochist and chose who I was to become. Sometimes I drink because the physical pain is too much, when your teeth are rotting out of your skull, it hurts.

I don't know if I was ever right in the head, or if I was just really good at convincing myself. What is normal? What is love? What does love feel like? I thought I knew once, but that love I felt, turned to hate really fast when I found out my loved ones did me wrong. Family, I am not sure, I say I love them, and god help anyone that may wrong my family..... But I don't know if I love them. Terrible thing to say and feel. How do you know if you love a family member? Plenty of family members I thought I loved, well I have been away from them a long time. I don't know if I miss them, or I miss having them around me. Maybe I am a sociopath?

I don't know. I dont know anything really. Sometimes I feel like I should just kill myself, then my fear of death kicks in and I have a panic attack. I am sick of being me, but what if me is all I will ever be? What if once my life ceases to be, then that is all folks. Lights out. That scares the # out of me. What good have I done in this world? Have I done anything worthwhile? Is this all for nothing? Am I wasting my time, and other people's oxygen?

Damnit, I want answers, and no real answers are to be found. What am I going to do? I suppose tomorrow I will wake up with a hangover, and kick myself for being stupid, then continue to train for war. Or maybe I will not wake up at all.

I guess I am just sick of the fear. Sick of the doubt. And sick of the confusion. Where is jesus, budda, krishna, anyone. Bueller? Argh.

reply to post by TKDRL


Drunk posting , my friend, is awesome.

Or not.

But we are all forgiving here. Lord knows I've done it and am doing it now.

You will never find balance in an unbalanced world. A futile effort.

Find your centre within yourself.

Find your balance within.

To hell with everyone else.

*cheers*

reply to post by beezzer


I try lol. At least this time I decided to post here and not on faceboook
That will save me the trouble of deleting a hundred posts tomorrow of sappy music off my wall

reply to post by TKDRL


Awww... Your avatar makes me think you can't be having a good kind of night (coupled with your OP of course..lol)

Here, I normally reserve this for the new folks on the intro thread. It's special stock from a real good year, after all.



Set that aside and have some when you're ready for some vitamins to make the morning survivable. Take care tonight!

reply to post by Wrabbit2000


Mmmmmmmmm, that looks delicious.

Do not dispare my friend, this time we live in will be full of wonders, and the winds will take us straight to hell...
Arrrrrr, same as it ever was... We will learn, just don't look like it's this time (line). See ya'll on the flip-side

reply to post by FluffChop



How much is real, so much to question

This is probably the best song that can describes how I feel. "I'm still too tired to care and I gotta go"

Far away from home, while it may be good here, it's not home. "I don't really mind if I just, fade away"
As long as it's in my sleep and I don't know it's happening. I have always had the feeling, as long as I can remember, that my end will be in violence though, I don't know why.

reply to post by TKDRL


Its good to come onto ATS on a Friday night and know that you are not drinking alone.



It is not sometrhing I do often, but, something I do now and again. Tonight happens to be "And Again".

My choice is prime choice. .. . .. Cognac

It is so very tasty.

Here is what I am having tonight .. . .




Here is one of my favorites but it is so damn expensive that I have it very seldom.



So very smoooooooth. And 2-3 glasses and you will become a little sloppy.

Cheers ! !

You guys are great. Here is a good one.

It's nice to know when I hit rock bottom, I still have one place to turn.

Hey

You are never alone when you share such great music that gives others pleasure to listen to and read your thoughts that have echoes for some of them as well.

Not suggesting not to have those moments when you drink, but also, think about meditating and asking questions in your heart. And know that there are like minds, i don't know how easy it is to find them around you, when you need a hug, in fact wonder if those who are more awake are spread out to make a difference in their area. But hope you take some stress off and relax.

Originally posted by TKDRL
Where is jesus, budda, krishna, anyone. Bueller? Argh.

In Buddhism - Your well being and happiness is based upon your actions (thoughts and mental conditions are also actions.).

If an action or activity leads to well being and happiness - it is better to do, than for it to be left undone.

If an action or activity leads to detriment, and grief - it is better left undone, than for it to be done.

All activities can be viewed in this way.

What prevents people from doing what is best is due to kilesas - unwholesome qualities or conditions such as conceit, greed, ill will, etc.

Dear TKDRL - you're not alone. And your life isn't worthless. You are unique, you are loved and you are a part of this world. As little as it may feel to you.

You said you are Native American. Have you ever taken part in a sweat lodge? I think, just based on the relationships I have with Natives and the reading I have done, that you have to reconnect with who you are. Find out about your own personal history, your story. This is vital to who you are. You should be proud of your history.

All of us struggle with life and our place in it. But find something that makes you feel alive, that you can't stop doing, whether it's music or sports or creating something. That's a part of who you are, your identify, and if others don't "get it" then that's nothing for you to worry a second over.

As a Christian and the fact that you asked who Buddah, Jesus is this is where I could impart my thoughts. But if you want to ask just let me know. If you really want to know him he will reveal himself to you.

Big hugs and I don't know you but you are worthy and I do care about you and there are so many of us here rooting for you.

Hugs!

Been in bed all day with a migraine, guess that is what I get lol. Times like this, I remember why I don't drink that often these days.

I do meditate every day as part of my daily ritual. Have had some strange experiences a few times, but nothing that I would say was a message from god or anything as profound as that.

reply to post by TKDRL


It would be too easy to RickRoll you right now. I.. Must. Resist. ......

I had the same exact day I understand completely. The difference is I have faith it's not called knowing its more of something you just believe and feel its there and you'll find something to look forward to just keep your head up and believe there's more to this life because there is just open your mind to all possiblitys not just the negative. But to be honest I think this sudden depression was an outside force because ive never been like that before and then all of a sudden I just calmed down to my normal state of mind

I know I'm a little late, but I figured I'd give you a different "sad song"

reply to post by TKDRL


Well it's the fourth now and I hope you're feeling better. But if you are hungover, this'll help. (It's better with the volume turned all the way up)





Sorry, sometimes I just have to be "That Guy."

I have allways felt a kinship with Native Americans. After all it was you all's place before we white folks took it. I quit the alcohol back in 1992. No drinking problem at all, just did'nt want my kids seeing me that way.I can relate with most of your post, been there, done that. I have an saying about drinking, if I may here it is.


" A sober mans thoughts are a drunk mans words" Once it spills out, you can't put the words back in your mouth.... Alcohol, killing decent men since the dawn of time. Hope all works out with you and your situation, alcohol will not help you in any way shape, form or fashion. But it will blind you to the real world. Hope all works out for you, OYM1262