Peep [EWC]

As I peep through the blinds I see it: the white van. There are no markings on it, the windows are tinted. Are they here for me? What do I do? Should I sneak out of the back door with my bugout bag? What if I’m seen?

I should have known better. I knew they were monitoring all of it: the phones, the internet, the GPS logs from our cars, our mail…..but I couldn’t stop. I had to talk to someone….anyone. I knew the risks of speaking out, we all did. I told anyone, everyone, who would listen about our rights being unceremoniously taken away- our freedom of speech, our right to bear arms, our freedom of religion….how our right to privacy and due process was being destroyed. No one would listen! They told me I was just being paranoid, that I was crazy…..well who’s crazy now?

First I heard the clicks on the phone, then the phone went out. I ran to the computer to send out a warning message, but too late- they cut the internet too! I knew this would happen, but I didn’t expect it so soon. What to do? What to do?

I peep out of a window in the back of the house to see if the coast is clear, bugout bag on my shoulder. I am ready to run. Nooooooooo….there are men behind the house, and they have ladders! They must be preparing to come in from multiple entries. I’m afraid! I know I talked a big game, but I’m afraid!

Someone’s knocking at the front door! Holy moley this is it! What do I do? Not answering won’t stop them. I’ve lost, and it’s time to pay the piper. At least I tried to wake people up to what was going on….at least it wasn’t all in vain.

I’m opening the door. I’ll do it very slowly, not knowing what to expect. Will they rush me? Will I be tasered? Will they just shoot me? Will they….

“Ma’am, we will have your phone and internet back up shortly. A limb fell and knocked down the lines behind your house. I have men back there working on it right now. We’re sorry for the inconvenience. Have a nice day!”

Haha i liked that. I was just getting gripped into the story to!. Thats a twist of a tale ...Good story and good luck

reply to post by littled16


SnF for you ma'am!! That was great! It had me on the edge for a second, and then bam...a smile spread across my face at the end. That was really enjoyable to read 'webmom'
Good Job and thanks for sharing
~little natalia~

reply to post by TheDoctor46
Thanks Doc!

It seems I can't keep my twisted sense of humor out of anything I say or do these days. I haven't decided yet if that is a blessing or a curse, but I'm leaning toward blessing!

reply to post by natalia
Thank you, web daughter! I am most happy you were amused, as most of the time I usually just amuse myself. You must have inherited my warped sense of humor!

Hugs, webmom

reply to post by littled16


Twisted sense of humour..haha i know what one of those is!. And it is a blessing!

Outstanding!! Very well done, I enjoyed it!

reply to post by Iamschist
Thanks Iamscchist! Glad you enjoyed it.

In other news: Love the new avi! Definitely different for you- I like!

reply to post by littled16


Hey mama..I have to amuse myself a lot it seems and thats ok

I laugh at my own dumb jokes!! Hahahaha!!

It is funny to me though when I only amuse myself and my son is looking at me like this and sayin I am crazy...
hahaha!! It's the best.
~little natalia~

reply to post by littled16


Glad to see you enter the contest! SnF.

Do you want the good news or the bad news first? (Of my critique.)

Bad first, then. Work on your formatting a bit. You needn't construe multiple periods between sentences, one is enough. Make your sentences complete, and it would be a better read. For example:

They told me I was just being paranoid, that I was crazy…..well who’s crazy now?

They told me I was just being paranoid, that I was crazy. Well, who's crazy now?

However, in this instance:

Will they just shoot me? Will they….

Your multiple periods denote a trailing thought, and is perfectly acceptable, as it is at the end of a sentence.

That's all the bad news. Now onto the good.

You've made a suspenseful story that highlights the essence of what we all feel at times, and condensed it into a twisted tale that had me enthralled while reading. The humorous ending made me smile, and also realize that you have boatloads of talent as a writer. Very well done.

I'd hope to see another contribution from you during this contest. Your style of writing is smooth, flowing, and as any good short story, a bit twisted, yet revealing the humanity behind the author.



ETA: It also helps if you post a link to this story back in the Writing Contest thread. You can see that I did a link to mine. With every story, it helps to link to it, and as other members read the main contest thread, they can click on the links and read the stories easily. It's a lot harder to dig through the SS forum to find the Entries, and a lot easier to read if they are all linked in one thread. I have a link to this contest in my sig line, so I can always find the most recent contest entries, and stay up to date with the latest.

reply to post by Druid42
Thank you very much Druid! I am most pleased that you took the time to read my little story and give me some much needed critique. I haven't written in years so I'm out of practice and your opinion is very appreciated.

I will try to find time to come up with something else when I get back from my trip next week. Hopefully the long drive will present some interesting ideas!

reply to post by littled16


I'm sure you'll come up with something. Once you get that writing going, it's hard to stop. Someone of your "experience" definitely has a lot to say.

That, and I'm just a good story hound.

The topics wide open, so have fun!

That was great!!!!!!!! An edge of your seat kinda story with a twist. Love it!

reply to post by Night Star
Thank you NS! I'm glad you stopped by to give it a "day in court". I hope the twisted ending gave you a good giggle!

Very cool!

But honestly...

I saw the twist coming.

S&F!!

reply to post by littled16


Nice! That is my fav. so far! Nice ending!

A good blend of anxiety and humor.

Difficult to read though, with that cat's backside going like a bat out of hell !

HaHA!! Absolutely tinfoil-tastic and uber-brilliant. However...if my request is approved...should I dress as a lineman? When I tell you the truth...will you have compassion for my position? Will you believe that I've come to absolutely adore you, even though I MUST send you to certain torture?

Survival of the fittest seldom means survival of the "best." Forgive me my dear...but don't I look fairly studly in my lineman garb? I dressed for you my dear.

reply to post by The GUT
Hehehe....
Dear Sir if you were to dress as a lineman I will accept the torture willingly, so long as the torture is accompanied by your marvelously sharp wit!!!

Good read and you brought it to a nice fun conclusion.

Thanks for submitting.