What would YOU do?

If your sister gave up a 3 yr old child for adoption. A child that was loved by his grandparents and uncles ( who begged to raise the child) and then skipped the state and was not heard from ever again.

Fast forward 50 yrs. You've found your sister and two of her children that she kept.

Your sister told her kids that you were a bad person, a trouble maker, and wanted nothing to do with you. So, she poisoned her kids against you. She's deathly afraid you're going to tell her kids she that gave her firstborn up for adoption at the age of three because their father wouldn't marry her otherwise.

You're not a bad person at all, but you feel like you've been robbed of your niece and nephew(s) and they have been robbed of not having a wonderful Uncle and other family members.

Would you want to know you had a sibling out there somewhere? Keep in mind the two kids she had after are in their 50's now. Would you tell the kids about their sibling? Would you want to let the adult kids know that you are not the terrible person their mother claims and that you'd love to have a relationship with them?

Firstly, what a sad sad story. For the life of me I can't imagin giving away my 3yr old ( who turns 3 today) . I could go on to judge her for her decision but won't. What matters now is they the siblings are informed. That is what I would want. Of course people will be upset angry. But in the end it will be upto the siblings to decide what type of relationship they have. I would tell them.

Maybe you could find the adopted out child first.

Is there another side to this story? There must be a reason why your sister gave you a bad rep.

Originally posted by feelingconnected
Maybe you could find the adopted out child first.

I second that.

If everything you say is true, and I'm correct in thinking they are all adults by now, I'd go find ALL of them, but find the adopted out one first.

Be careful. Family dynamics are fragile. A friend of mine "found" his birth parents and siblings. He'd been adopted out when they were in grad school. very smart family. His arrival did nothing good. Eventually his father jumped off the Golden Gate. You cannot realistically believe that you can re-enter this family after 50 years just because, for some reason, you want a "relationship" with them. You want to upset the apple cart here, so you'd better be ready to face the consequences. Maybe you were "bad." We don't know. You are telling half a story. She may very well have had good reason to get out of Dodge.

Think about them--not about yourself--and, if you still insist on proceeding, tread lightly.

Originally posted by XeroOne
Is there another side to this story? There must be a reason why your sister gave you a bad rep.

First off, it's not me. It's my father in law. She only gave him a bad rap after I contacted her son and asked if she would like to reconnect with her brother. I believe she did that because she didn't want her kids to contact him, so making him out to be a terrible person would probably ( and it did) make them not want to get involved.

I've been trying to find the child that was adopted, but not having much luck. The mother is in her late 70's, and she would be able to give information on the child she gave up, but I don't think she will. If we wait until the mother has passed, she may take with her all the information. If we tell her kids now, she may be mad, but at least she may give her kids important info to find the one she gave up.

Originally posted by schuyler
Be careful. Family dynamics are fragile. A friend of mine "found" his birth parents and siblings. He'd been adopted out when they were in grad school. very smart family. His arrival did nothing good. Eventually his father jumped off the Golden Gate. You cannot realistically believe that you can re-enter this family after 50 years just because, for some reason, you want a "relationship" with them. You want to upset the apple cart here, so you'd better be ready to face the consequences. Maybe you were "bad." We don't know. You are telling half a story. She may very well have had good reason to get out of Dodge.

Think about them--not about yourself--and, if you still insist on proceeding, tread lightly.

My father in law would like those kids to know he exists and that he would welcome whatever contact/relationship if any. He just wants them to know that he is there and cares about them. It's up to them for the rest.

He would also like the child that was given up to know that he loved him and cared about him, as well as the childs grandparents.

I am the one who is upset that she lied to her kids about my father in law. He is a great person and those kids really missed out on having a great uncle in their lives.


PS. She left the state and dropped contact because she was mad at her mother. Her mother begged and pleaded with her not to give the child up, even offering to raise him. I'm sure the mother was pissed and told her off because she gave up her baby for a man. Yes, that caused a HUGE rift in the family and that's why the sister stopped all contact.

reply to post by virraszto


It's a long shot, but you could try (indirectly if you have to) getting the date of birth for the child she gave up, along with the name of the adoption agency. The hospital might be able to provide that information if you ask. There must be some paperwork that's non-confidential that would give you a starting point.
The child would be in his/her 50s by now, so there's also a reasonable chance this person has a trail on the Internet. If you're exceptionally lucky, this person would have been making enquiries him/herself.

reply to post by virraszto


I would imagin she's scared and guilt ridden because of what she was forced to do ( what she thought she had to do). Each and everyday since then. Still it's been 50 yrs, it may even bring her some peace. Who knows ? Are you able to talk with her?

reply to post by virraszto


Doesn't really matter at this point. Stuff happens and it isn't all good. The salient point here is that whomever "does the research" must be aware that it could be considered an invasion of privacy. Whomever wades in there and says, "I'm here!" is taking a big risk and is responsible for the consequences. I think whomever wants to wade in here has to ask themselves, "Do I have the right to make this happen?" They may have "desires and wishes" for a relationship, but that may not be reciprocal.

I am telling you from experience that you had best take your nose off the scent for a minute and ask if this is the right thing to do.

"Would you want to know you had a sibling out there somewhere? Keep in mind the two kids she had after are in their 50's now. Would you tell the kids about their sibling? Would you want to let the adult kids know that you are not the terrible person their mother claims and that you'd love to have a relationship with them"

Would it matter if I knew about the sibling or not? Do you know where the sibling is and what has become of them?

If you want a relationship with them, then make one and they will be able to figure out if you are good or terrible.

What do you want to get out of it? To be right and justified? Or to have the presence of love be in your relationships? I think if you investigate your intentions the answer will appear to you.

Best of luck.

Originally posted by virraszto
If your sister gave up a 3 yr old child for adoption. A child that was loved by his grandparents and uncles ( who begged to raise the child) and then skipped the state and was not heard from ever again.

Fast forward 50 yrs. You've found your sister and two of her children that she kept.

Your sister told her kids that you were a bad person, a trouble maker, and wanted nothing to do with you. So, she poisoned her kids against you. She's deathly afraid you're going to tell her kids she that gave her firstborn up for adoption at the age of three because their father wouldn't marry her otherwise.

You're not a bad person at all, but you feel like you've been robbed of your niece and nephew(s) and they have been robbed of not having a wonderful Uncle and other family members.

Would you want to know you had a sibling out there somewhere? Keep in mind the two kids she had after are in their 50's now. Would you tell the kids about their sibling? Would you want to let the adult kids know that you are not the terrible person their mother claims and that you'd love to have a relationship with them?

Just based on this info,no I wouldn't.50 years is a long,long time.When that much time has passed I'm not sure I'd really consider them family and if their mother made me out to be a terrible person,what,after all that time could you say that would change their mind? My guess would be nothing.Sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone.

Originally posted by virraszto

Originally posted by schuyler
Be careful. Family dynamics are fragile. A friend of mine "found" his birth parents and siblings. He'd been adopted out when they were in grad school. very smart family. His arrival did nothing good. Eventually his father jumped off the Golden Gate. You cannot realistically believe that you can re-enter this family after 50 years just because, for some reason, you want a "relationship" with them. You want to upset the apple cart here, so you'd better be ready to face the consequences. Maybe you were "bad." We don't know. You are telling half a story. She may very well have had good reason to get out of Dodge.

Think about them--not about yourself--and, if you still insist on proceeding, tread lightly.

My father in law would like those kids to know he exists and that he would welcome whatever contact/relationship if any. He just wants them to know that he is there and cares about them. It's up to them for the rest.

He would also like the child that was given up to know that he loved him and cared about him, as well as the childs grandparents.

I am the one who is upset that she lied to her kids about my father in law. He is a great person and those kids really missed out on having a great uncle in their lives.


editby]edit on 5-7-2012 by virraszto because: (no reason given)