Larking About

So I was larking about (Isn't that term so nice, and so rarely used?) this morning and I realized I'd never properly introduced myself to ATS.

I'm 17 years old as of last month and I live in the beautiful state of Tennessee. I am a liberal-Libertarian raised in a die-hard, atheist neocon family, and I'm deist; your average Ron Paul supporter with a little bit more liberalism thrown in.

I suppose what I'll do, since I've told my story in bits and pieces on ATS in varying degrees of detail, is repost sections of those threads here, and try and make some order out of them.

By the way, before I get started, perhaps I should inform you: I am transgender. This means that while biologically and (I think) genetically I am male, my mind is inherently female. I am "in-the-closet" as it were; it's a rather terrifying place to be, I assure you. Oh, and if you are here to attack me for being transgender, or you still aren't entirely sure what that even is, this post I wrote is a good read among others. Ah, well, here goes:

At nearly 3 years old, I was able to read and speak proficiently (and sort of write). And I can remember that far back, too. (I'm 17 now, as of the day you posted that) -- Anyway.

As I grew up, I remember reading books and watching movies and always putting myself in the place of the heroine or damsel-in-distress. I remember feeling big pangs of jealousy when a group of little girls was playing amongst themselves and I couldn't join them. I didn't know why, then. So - I became something of a social outcast even at that age. There was one girl in my preschool class that was sort of like me.. more mature than the others, quiet, smart (Well, as smart as any 3-4 year old could be). We'd sit off on our own and play with these little Dalmatians toys. There were two. I still have one of them, actually, the one with the little yellow collar. It's the only time in my life I've ever stolen anything - I don't imagine she took the other one, so she's probably forgotten me by now. We were very good friends, and went to Kindergarten together as well. After that, my family moved.

She treated me like I imagine a true friend should; with no regard to whether I was a boy, or girl, or black or hispanic or - whatever.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that even at such a young age, you can be very smart and have really very deep emotions. Sometimes those emotions are simple and pure and peaceful, and I really do think that's the way it should be. Had the other children been 'special', perhaps they would've been smarter, as it's kind of a necessity for survival, as it were. Maybe, if I wasn't agnostic, I'd believe her and I just had old souls and that was the way we were.

Before I turned eleven or twelve, I always regarded becoming a girl as something maybe God, or magical fairies or some guardian angel would give me, and that if I just wished or prayed or hoped hard enough, it would happen. Whenever I saw a movie like Lilo and Stitch, or that one episode in the Fairly Oddparents when Timmy gets to become a girl for a day - I'd always feel so jealous. Why does THAT person get to be accepted, or get that opportunity, and not me? It's not fair.

When I hit the point at which Santa Claus ceased to be a reality and I began to really question the existence of God (and magical fairies and angels, for that matter) I think I became very depressed and lost a lot of hope.

Then, I turned twelve, and met someone on the internet who shared my feelings. This was the first time it had ever occured to me to Google the phrase 'I want to be a girl'.. and the first time I'd had my own computer, and thus was able to do so without fear of being caught. As it turns out, there are plenty of others who feel that way, too.

That isn't to say there aren't people who are mean even amongst transgenders - I joined my local support group over the internet - not saying where I was or my birth name, for obvious reasons.. and they removed me out of fear, because I was and remain to this day underage. They most likely assumed someone - maybe my parents, who most probably wouldn't approve if I told them of my feelings - would find out I was a member of their internet group and react harshly.

That's the real crime here - that people have become so afraid of society, of the Government and the Police that even amongst 'outcasts'..



... So now that those tidbits are over, I'm going to share some music I happen to be listening to. Cheers!

www.youtube.com...

No more destination, no more pain..

Welcome! I am sure the fact you're a transgender won't alter your time spent here. Glad you made an account, interesting introduction

I should hope not. It certainly gives me an interesting insight on a variety of things, at least!

Thanks for the warm welcome.

Nice intro...Welcome to ATS