I just do not understand anything anymore.
My whole life all I wanted was to know everything and anything. Always wondering, always questioning, always wanting more knowledge. Many in my life
have told me that its one of my greatest assets and just as many have told me it is my achilles heel. I learned or began to believe at an early age
that knowledge was power but even more so that it was only to be worthwhile if learned through experience. It paid off and led to a very productive
childhood I played every thing, had an insatiable thirst for knowledge and many a times it put me in some odd situations.
As I grew into my teens though my thirst became a burden and even in some ways an addiction. I began to act foolishly began to lax in many things that
I loved and held dear. I quit studying, reading playing music, almost all of the sports I participated in and became in most cases just a bastard
thinking I was smarter than everyone. When confronted by family and friends I would usually play concerned or humor them until even this became
"below me" to do, which led me to began berating, humiliating and simply being horrible to all who cared about me just because I thought I was the
smartest person in the room. What made matters even worse is that I had an unusual streak of good fortune that got me out of so many scenarios I
began to attribute it to my superior intellect rather than to just being a pompous a@@ who was very, very lucky. At the end of the day looking back I
became my one and only enemy but since I realized that even after to long it just fed my ego.
Flash forward a few years later. I bailed on college because I thought I was going to be a rock star, this never even came close to happening. I sat
around falling into good things and never made a move to better myself because I always just seemed to get along more than fine. Well suffice to say
and to sum this up 12 years since the college debacle and I have just in the past three or so years really began to put my life together. I spent a
few years of the first decade of the 21st in Jail, a few others homeless and most of those combined addicted to heroin. Once again all because I
thought I was smarter than something in this case a drug
. Even more so one that I watched ruin countless lives and destroy many a family and
friend. Some which are still being ravished by it till this day. Even no though when somebody asks "Why did you do it? You knew better." my true and
only answer is I wanted to know what it was like. That's it plain and simple.
Now days are ...................... well days. I feel dissatisfied to no end. I have an okay job for now, a car, apt. am attending school and I like
to think I've made considerable strides from the person I was just years ago. Still though I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not here. I feel
like a spirit or ghost or just like I'm an alien walking around in skin. I have a great family who has done more for me than anyone ever deserves
especially considering the hardships I have mad e them endure. Yet I just can't talk to them or anyone for that matter. My mom even said to me the
other day " I Love you but you're just weird and have no social skills at all. I just do not get it." I have only one friend and I truly believe he
just hangs out to humor me and since we live only a floor apart in the same apt. building and our interests are comparable. My GF I think has one foot
out the door and anymore thinks I'm just a nut because I let some of the things on here "worryme" I think its for the best if she leaves in all
honesty.
I mean half the time I dreamt or wished of being a blue blooded aristocrat or trust fund baby. Who would've attended a private school in Switzerland
only to go home for a week in the summer before jetting of tho the Hamptons, or where ever my heart desired just as long as I didn't get arrested
blowing rails and even more so as long as I didn't impede on my parents lives. All I would've had to do was graduate attend Uni grad. again and take a
CEO job from someone 10 times more qualified at Daddy's fortune 500 Co.
The other half I wished I would've just been a redneck. Working at the local scrap yard and doing odd jobs around the trailer park. Having nowt to
fret about as long as the food stamps get put on the EBT card and the truck is at least half full of beer and the car of gas. Being able to watch the
tele and say things like "Shame about that Labia country, aint it uncle Bo?" only to hear in reply " Sure is Junior. That's why I taint never been
past exit 13 on the freeway." (note we live 8 miles from there in this scenario).
I guess What I'm getting at is not just does anyone feel like this, but, I mean whats the score here? I just feel like I was meant for so much more
and meant to do such great things yet I've done F all in my 30 years on this planet. I don't know if I truly am to smart for my own good, really
stupid, or just afraid of ....... well everything I suppose so I cosign my own bs to keep myself stuck and just hating.
I just don't know which way is up anymore and am staring to think that I never did. All I know is I'm scared, angry and I have not the first clue what
to do or why I feel like this. I'm sorry I dumped this on any who read it but even in the half an hour its taken me to write this (I type very slow
lol) I do fell better for addressing it.
I just Where ............ did I go wrong? and why do I have to be on the fence. I guess for me the grass is always greener ............... on both
sides.
That is all
Trowa
edit on 27/3/11 by TrowaBarton because: Spelling as per