Why does being nice just not cut it with friendships or relationships?

EDIT: I just wanted to say that I'm asking a different question from the other topic here (www.abovetopsecret.com...). I'm not asking what is wrong with being nice, but why being nice isn't enough. Being nice seems to bore people... so I was just wondering why that was.

Now I've never had a problem making friends. When I've wanted to be friends with someone I've been able to make friends with most of them except for the people that have rejected me. But even though people were still willing to be friends with me before when I was showing them the nice side of my personality.

I am finding that around my school more people like it and are more receptive of me when I show them my cynical and intellectual side. Sometimes my intellectual side is a little arrogant so that kinds of bothers people sometimes... but like people like my cynical side and I'm able to carry on better conversations with people. People like my points of views and they enjoy my discussions more when I'm cynical than when I'm nice.

I know people appreciate it when I am nice too... so I still am nice to people. But, people seem to be a bit more open to the darker side of my character (I guess I shouldn't call it the darker side since I don't think there is anything bad about truth... but the truth at the time just happens to be negative and pessimistic). I think that being nice should be enough... but I guess that being nice wouldn't be enough to keep up a relationship or keep a friendship interesting.

I know that people say a lot of bad things about nice people... but why is this the way it is? I think it's okay to be nice sometimes... that's what you do when you're social. But people don't seem to just to go for that. People want to be entertained. I just personally don't understand why people will go for jerks more than people who are nice... that doesn't make sense to me. Like, I understand why people like my cynicism, and I was using that as a personal anecdote... but in general- not just with relationships... but there is something about the word nice that sets people off. It makes people think like you're a goody tooshoes person... that you do nothing wrong. I was like that before and I still try to be on good behavior, but it just pains me that people really don't appreciate good behavior as much as they should.

I mean, I'm not asking for help in this thread... I'm just trying to understand my predicament, and trying to understand why other people would find my other side of my character more interesting than just my nice side. It's just a little weird. Maybe it's refreshing to people when they act in different ways that are just nice? I just think that people would appreciate it when other people talk to them.. but that isn't enough.

Can someone help me wrap my head around this paradox? I think it's odd to say the least.

You answered your own question in your post, in a round about way. People don't go for nice because nice is everywhere, it is boring, no pizazz. Loud and arrogant is fun and exciting, funny is entertaining, witty is entertaining. Nice is dull because everyone is polite.

It really doesn't matter how you act if you are interesting, able to catch and hold attention, being nice doesn't usually accomplish that.

Don't try to make people accept you, make people try to be accepted by you, you do this with a slight arrogance and by being interesting....not nice.

I remember something similar, and I can see all that you, the op, has said. I liken it to the hypocrisy of our society.
For example, when I was younger I met a girl. Now I have always been slightly arrogant, and as cynical as #. She was attracted to me immediately and we hit it off. Now as we had hit it off, I started being nicer, you know, because we hit it off. What happened? Bam, it was over. Bitch. Hahahaha.

Anyway, what i've done since then is just focus on my own interest, be nice to people as a standard code of conduct, but don't treat people any nicer after a while. What i've found is that people try to get to know me, not the other way around. People go out of their way to get to know me. But I just focus on my own interest and choose to do my own thing, and it's funny seeing them continue trying to get to know me, even after a year of ignoring them. Be the slightly arrogant, cynical # you are.




So to answer your question, I believe people want something intriguing. People of both sexes will find you more attractive (both non-sexually and sexually) and more of a "magnet" because you are "different". It's kind of ridiculous. Why?, we're raised to believe arrogance is bad, yet we're attracted somewhat to those people.

reply to post by Frankidealist35


I'll give you advice that someone should have gave me through high-school. Be nice to everyone! Don't worry about being cynical. The key to schools is to have as many networks as possible, don't worry about friendships. Only keep a few select friends who you can stand and the rest just be on good terms.

If you're in high-school, upon graduation, you will never see 95% of the people you were being cynical to attract. If you have a girlfriend in high-school 99% of the time you will not marry them.

All I can tell you is be yourself, help the nerds, pick-up as many hobbies as possible, and get good grades. Everything else will fall into place upon graduation, I promise.

Once you are grown up many women like the kind of guy who is responsible and mature. Some like the bad-guy type of deal but most like the responsible, mature, and confident type of guy. The more you have accomplished the more confidence you have, and believe me women smell confidence from a mile away.

(This is all assuming your still in high-school? If not than ignore 96.7% of my post, only the last part applies)

Note: These statistics are close but not 100% accurate.
Special Not: I made up that last statistic.

reply to post by Frankidealist35

okay there are many ways in which to approach this. Like all roads lead to Rome type scenario. I think that people don't just fall into friendships or into love because of you in the first place. They fall into love with the idea about what that friendship or love might bring into their experiences or their lives. And if you are not meeting up to their expectations or ideas then it's fall out of friendship or fall out of love time. Maybe they forgot to tell you how they want you to be and you just couldn't read their minds.

Or maybe just maybe, you are only a "mirror" or "reflection" of what they like or dislike about themselves. What they do has very little to do with you at all. How you see yourself and your own Self Talk is really what you are only in control of really. Some people can't handle their own reflections and they may see themselves in you just a little too much. I know for a fact that some of my friendships have fallen to the wayside because I can't help but challenge the very core of their belief systems and that is entirely too threatening because it may cause them to actually think for themselves and that as most you all know takes time and energy and who has that when most of us are just struggling to survive. Of course I may be wrong, but I was typing really fast so I'm not sure if all of this made sense. Also, "as above so below, so within, so without". We always get back what we put out, inevitably. If you want friendship, you must first give friendship. If you want love, you must first give love. If you want peace, you must be peaceful. Although, soon it sounds like we'll be able to order what we want like we order fast food, just by thinking a thought it suddenly apears; how cool is that.....?

Be yourself and the people who you need or should be around will come. Personally Id not change or manipulate my behavior for anyone or anything who I wanted to share my space with. I guess some may find it more easy than I do wear masks. In the business world or if you work with the public, you have to play that game.. but for friends, why play that game? Be true to yourself when it comes to the people who share your bubble or you will always wonder why things are not turning out as well as youd hoped. When you are true to yourself you are true to others and they will never be confused about where they stand with you. Basically, it cuts down on unnecessary drama.


signed,
a popular old lady who was once a popular young lady

reply to post by Somehumanbeing


That's pretty much what I've found. When I try being nice to people they kind of pass me off like I'll be like hey... how are you and they'll be like not so much. But when I go past the small talk and we have other conversations I can have some really interesting conversations. They get bored of the how are you stuff and the small talk because they do it around a lot of other people. I guess people just like me this way because I'm somewhat different to them.


reply to post by Equinox99


I'm in college... so yeah most of that post doesn't apply to me. I don't see myself as a bad guy. I see myself as someone who is different from most. I've just found that just being nice and responsible isn't the only thing that what gets people going for me. People really like my perspectives or they may not but they like talking to me about other stuff, and I'm not trying to not be a nice guy... but people like the other sides of me more.

reply to post by Advantage


Again, I'm not changing or manipulating my behavior. I am naturally a cynical person so it's not like I'm changing anything. I'm just being more natural and into myself... and I don't want to sound like a broken record but you get the drift.

reply to post by Killface


Killface pretty much said it all in my opinion...folks are going to be looking for more than just nice. There has to be something to grab the attention... You can't "fake" it though... Everyone has this quality in some area, you just need to find the right people who see it in you. Be patient, meet people, as that's really the only way of improving the odds.

It's boring.






Nice is just plain boring (and you know that already) If I wanna be treated nicely, I'll go to a retail store where the associates work on commission. Hell, If I want undconditional niceness/love....I'll just get a dog.

Why is it boring? Because it's predictable. It doesn't spark curiosity. It doesn't stimulate the brain. And, if the nice switch is on at all times, it becomes bland and incites absolutely no strong emotions. Who wants that?

Franki, at your age and stage, a LOT of students act rude and mean out of being VERY insecure. most, i would say 90% of the cynical and rude behaviour, is due to that. its a defence technique to get in a shot and try and fit in before someone does that to them.
also, the vast majority of those that act this way have almost nothing interesting to offer as a person so they feel they have to behave this way for effect. so,if it wont get you bullied, maybe disagree with them say 'actually so and so is pretty cool' or 'to be honest such and such is ok'. once one person takes that stand, it may make being nicer a better prospect. but, if theyre a rough bunch just laugh [inwardly] because you know they are scared and insecure;their biggest secret.

PS: as for your intellectual capacity, try and balance it with something lighter and friendly and NEVER bash your brain power over someone's head. that way lies pretentious and lonely weekends alone!

I just wanted to say, before I reply to someone else's post that I've also been finding that when I've just tried being nice to other people it's lead to some interesting discussions but I've also recently got into some stupid discussions and I've kind of made a fool out of myself. So because I was being nice I wasn't thinking about pulling out of the conversation... and just stopping it right there. Maybe that's my fault... but maybe just being nice isn't for me if it's going to lead towards me doing stupid things like that.

reply to post by ewokdisco


Yeah I've noticed that people don't like being nice right away. I've been thinking for the most part that I should be nice to people when it's appropriate but other than that I'll be like being myself. I like talking to people and making jokes with them. As far as my intellectual side- what I meant is I don't always go philosophical on people... but like when people talk about something rather than being just nice about it, I'll ask them what they think, or I'll question things. People seem to like it when I'm more in my questioning mode rather than like just like... or how do you think about that? When I'm just asking people how their day went, or like what they are thinking... they're like okay why am I even talking to this person, this person is totally boring. But, I think it's also sad that a lot of these people seem to INTENTIONALLY not be nice just so they can fit in. I don't like that. They shouldn't be nice necessarily all the time but they also shouldn't be mean either.

double post

I think I've realized what my problem was before. I think it was my fault. I used to confuse the idea of being nice with caring for someone else and I used to think that you should do that all the time. Now I realize that caring for someone else means you show appreciation for them and you care for them when it is appropriate but that doesn't mean that you always have to be nice. Being nice is what people to when you are getting to know someone- but all the time when you do get to know them.

I now recognize that I don't have to be just nice all the time but it doesn't mean that I can't be nice. Just that if you're overnice- that's what people don't like. I can still be that side of me... but when I do it too much, and not reveal the other sides of my personality that would help me out, I can sound like too much of a suck up at times and that puts people off.

Could it just be that I used to just be too overnice to people and that's what turned some of these other people off in my life while not showing them anything interesting about myself? I think I just need a balance

naw, its never your fault. but like the song says

'youve got to tolerate all the people that you hate' especially at high school.!!

reply to post by Gazrok


Well said, you can fake it until you make it of course, but truly making it is simply being yourself. Follow your dreams and passions, and accept yourself for who you are, once you do this the arrogance or cockiness will follow and be natural/non-offensive. When you accept yourself as yourself, other peoples judgement means very little, and your actions will reflect that...does this mean you don't care what people think or that you are being mean? No, it exerts self-confidence and being comfortable...people look for these traits subconsciously.

Tis the unfortunate state our society has fallen into, I'm afraid. Youngsters respond positively to cynicism and bravado rather than actual strength, kindness, or manners. I've found that as people get older, they tend to respond better to actual manners and kindness, but people these days tend to mistake kindness with weakness.

Once Dr Jeckyll let the cat out the bag that he was also Mr Hyde, what happened? A book was written. Leave "something" to interpretation, also you may or may not want to take this advice. Think of the video game 'Fable' where there are choices and those choices 'make' you.

Why does being nice just not cut it with friendships or relationships?

BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO OWN THE MEDIA WANT MORE PSYCHOPATHS!

(Second line is more correct than you know)

reply to post by Frankidealist35


How old are you?

Typically, only mature people appreciate nice.