How do you say good-bye.....To your dad?

How Do You Say Good-Bye To Your Dad?

My father is 82 years old and is diying of lung cancer. I just found out on Jan. 25th that it had spread to the other lung and the meds were not helping slow the cancer. The doctor told my brother that our dad had between 2 weeks to 2 months. My sister told me he is down to 95 lbs. This man is 6'3" tall. I just can't imagine what must look like.

My dad and rest of my family (sister and 2 brothers) live in Indiana. I live in Alabama. I am pretty healthy at this moment, but that can change real fast for me. I am handicap and in a wheelchair. I have no use of my right leg at all. I will not get to visit with him before he dies, but will be able to go up to the funeral. It is a real proces for me to go somewhere like that for a few days. We will need to rent a handicap van and a handicap hotel room. That is why I can only make one trip up there because of the cost involved to make one trip.

I get to talk to him on the phone 3 times a week. Sometimes he remembers our phone conversations, but most of the time he asks why I am not there. Then I need to remind him that I moved to Alabama 15 years ago. These are very sad moments and most of the time leaves me in tears when I hang up the phone.

I have cried myself to sleep for the last two nights. I want to be there and help take care of his needs. I am the oldest and I am the one that is use to being to one they would all come to when we all needed to regroup as a family as to what we were going to do. Now, my sister, takes care of all that.

How do I say good-bye? During our last phone conservation it became clear that he thought the cancer was gone and everything was going to be fine. He lied and told me he still drove to town once a week so he and my step-mother could eat out. He said he was planning on how is was going to plant his garden this Spring. I wanted to talk to him about his funeral, but I couldn't as he said he was not going to die and who was putting this foolish talk in my hear? So, how do I know what his wishes are? Does he still want to be buried nest to my mother? He is a veteran, does he want that type of funeral?

I might add that growing up he wasn't a very good father. He would get angry at a drop of a hat and start whipping with the belt. He was mean to my mom, and I think that is why she ended up with a drinking problem. He would be both mentally mean as well as physcial too. I know I grew up in my teenage years hating that man. I wan't alone either.

My fater and I have made our peace with each other, and I have forgiven him for what he did to me and my mother. My sister told me, "you better not come up here grieving and crying all over the place." " I want you to remember how mean he was and he still is." "He is leaving the house and his part of the money to Larry and Bill." "He is leaving nothing to you or me." I don't care. Maybe it is because I live so far away and have no use for that house. It isn't home anymre anyway. When he and Betty got married, they redone the whole house. She is terrible upset about his will. She still holds a lot of hate and unforveness in her heart. How do I help her deal with her emotions after it is too late to forgive?

I know when it happens and we are there, I will cry and I will grieve. My sister will just need to accept that we are two different people and no longer see the same father when we look at the man.

How do I say good-bye when (1) he doesn't believe he is going to die; (2) I am 11 hours away from him; (3) I can only afford one trip up there; (4) when I do see him he will be gone; (5) how do I deal with the conflict with my sister?


Peace to you,
Grandma

[edit on 28-1-2009 by asala]

You can accept that just as we are born we also die. It sounds as if his passing will relieve his suffering. As for your sister, I hope she finds in her heart to let her suffering go.

Oh goodness what a sad and hurtful time you are going through right now,

Im not sure we ever really say goodbye, or if its even possible to.. Tell him you love him, Tell him with all your heart how much he means to you, say sorry for anything you feel you never got to air, Forgive and love him now as your daddy,

As for your sister you need to tell her to let the feelings go, she may not.. and that's something sadly she will have to deal with, she may be acting this way as she cant believe he really is going to die, and its her way of protecting her heart,

But really..not many people in this life get those preacious moments be that a call or a visit to tell someone while they are here that they love them,

My thoughts are with you, and please keep us updated ok, We will be right here for you as long as you need us,
xx

I can accept that he is going to die, I think, what I am having a probem with is that I can't talk to him about his death. I can' say "good-bye." Of course you are right about my sister. I hope she will fine a way to forgive.

Thank you for your reply!


Peace,
Grandma

Perhaps a goodbye is not what he needs, but your love. I don't know how to put this without sounding cold. The funeral, if allowed will give you a chance to say goodbye.

reply to post by asala


Yes, at 60 years old, he is still my daddy. Thank you for helping me see what I must say to him.

I wonder if some of my sister's anger is because of how he treated our mother. My mother died of breast cancer 12 years ago. She and I took care of her during that time. My dad never took her to one doctor's visit. I was able to go up the last week of her life ( I was still able to walk then) and took care of her. I was holding her hand when she took her last breath. I will never forget it, and be forever greatful that I was able to be there. I just know she carries a lot of anger towards dad.

Thank you for your wonderful post and for caring.


Peace,
Grandma

reply to post by eye open doors


No, it doesn't sound cold. I know I will be able to say good-bye at his funeral. I guess I am selfish and want it all. To be able to hold his hand when I tell him a love him. I want him to be able to look into my eyes and see how much. I know, I am asking for too much and need to be most grateful for the path I recieve.


Thank you!


Peace to you,
Grandma

Good luck, and I wish you well.

I think telling him you love him and he's still your daddy is perfect, of course I don't know both of you personally thou.

Sometimes it's not the words, they know how you feel.





[edit on 28-1-2009 by _Phoenix_]

Thank you for your reply. I hope he knows how I feel. When we made peace with each other, well, it was a most beautiful experience. It was only the 3rd time I saw my daddy cry.



Peace to you,
Grandma

reply to post by Grandma


Seeing your father cry can be very emotional! It's a very special moment, especially if you never see him cry...

After the divorce of my mother and father when I was 4 years old, I rarely saw my father, a few years later I went to visit my father while my grandfather was staying with him, I remember seeing my grandfather cry when he finally saw me for the first time in years, I didn't think much, until later my father told me he had never saw his father cry before that day.

Life is hard. But those special moments make it worth living.

I hope it all goes well.

Peace.

Yes, seeing my father cry was a very emotional time. But it will forever stay a beautiful moment in my heart. He even put his arms around me and told me he loved me and all us kids and our mother, that he just didn't know how to show love.



Thank you for sharing!


Peace,
Grandma

Ah your making me feel emotional now.

Stay strong.

Peace.

this is the most difficult thing to go through.
i have done it twice with my parents.
When my father was ill with cancer, i said goodbye to him at home, before he left for the hospital. I didn't go to the funeral. I wanted to remember him the way he was, full of life.
When my mother was ill with cancer, i was at her bedside, yet i didn't say the things that i needed to say. She talked with me openly about her funeral plans, and all things to be done after her passing, but I was in denial and didn't want to listen.
I regret that there were many things I truly wanted to say to her, but never did. I went to the funeral for her, but I regreted that too, as she had asked for no services but a relative made arrangements for one anyway, and I have the picture in my head of my mother in a coffin instead of alive and speaking to me.
Funerals are for the living, not those who have passed away. I have always felt disgusted by those who can find the time to pay respects after someone passes, but could not find the time in life.
If you can make only one trip..do it while your father still lives.
Look into his eyes and hold his hand while you talk to him. Make the last moments you have together count, for the rest of your lives here, and what you take into the next.
My belief is that you can only take knowledge, experience, and love with you into the next existence...
It's better to give him that love now.

Yes, I must admit, I have already thought about going up now before he dies. We could spend some special moments together. I feel the same way about funerals.

When my mother was dieing, she and I were able to talk about the things we needed to the week I took care of her. We made our peace and she left this world knowing how much I loved her and how thankful I was that she was my mother. I want my dad to feel the same way. My sister said that he is scard and then she remarked, "that he should be that he was going to meet his maker." I don't want him t be scared.

But you see I have another problem. No one up in Indiana has built a wheelchair ramp tor me at their homes. There isn't one at my father's house. At this moment, I have no way to get in to see him.

So, you see why I spend a lot of time crying.

Thank you for replying!


Peace to you,
Grandma

There must be a person there who would be willing to carry you in. Every time my uncle comes over, he is a quadrapalegic, we will carry him in to the home.

This may be a silly question. Is your sister older than you?

No, I am the oldest of 5 children. I am 6 years older then my sister. She has a master's degree in social work. I think this enables her to try to "fix the rest of us", so to speak.

Before I moved away, I was the one who called the shots as to what we (my brother's and sister) were going to do in a family matter that might come up. Remember, we all grew up very independent and strong-willed people. I give my father credit for that. He always said that he would make sure we would be strong, so that we would be able to handle whatever life would throw at us. He taught us never let anyone see you being weak.

Anyway, since I moved away, the burden of taking care of things has fallen to my sister.

Well, anyway, here is a little more insight into my family.

Peace,
Grandma

Hello Grandma. My great grandma trumps your grandma. So, listen up kiddo.

Go see your dad while he is still alive. Tell him that you forgive him and that you will try to work with your other family members to all live harmoniously.

Tell him to go in peace. Tell him all will be OK here on earth when he leaves. Give him permission to die. Of course he doesn't need your permission to die but I've seen many people die quickly after their family agreed to let them go.

What/who is a funeral for? It's a barbaric show in my opinion. Some people call it closure but I don't. It's expensive and very sad.

If you really want to tell your dad good bye go while he is alive. Funerals are uncomfortable for healthy people. It would be very uncomfortable for you since you are disabled.

My heart is with you. I lost both my parents. It is a very difficult thing to go through.

May God be with you.

By the way. Heed the advice of your elders. Just kidding and hoping to bring a smile to your face.

reply to post by dizziedame


How is all of this going? I hope you do not spend any time with negative thoughts. All of this is past now...your dad is at the end of his life.
Love him as you can. Forgive him for all. It is that simple.
Do not get too much into the family dynamics, they are at their best and worst at times lilke these! Trust in God! He will take care of the rest.