I will not be bound by your thoughtless scheming/ I am taking a blowtorch to my life, join me.

It's really crappy when relationships go down the drain especially when you had such high hopes in the beginning. I wanted to have more kids. My ex didn't. Because I planned on being with him forever when we had my second child I had this cesarean section and had a tubal ligation. He divorced me 7 years later because he met a woman through a friend at a bar and cheated for a year. I ended up in a really crappy relationship after that. I ended up in a very awkward weird relationship with a guy lied to me for 7 years about his drug and alcohol abuse. I've learned not to be so trusting now.
If you don't want children, don't have children. And if someone's going to shame you for that then shame on them. If it was agreed upon before you got married that you would have children maybe this situation might be a little different. That is unless you were barren. But even then you have a right to change your mind. Being a parent isn't for everyone. And no one should be forced into something like that especially that they didn't want to do. What benefit would that be to anybody you or the child.
I had to start pretty much from scratch as I was a stay-at-home mother from the time I was 20 and then I attempted to go to nursing school. It didn't work out for me cuz I was scared of the patients. I fell into a preschool teaching job. And there's nothing like it. So happy. I'm not even concerned of my single situation. I found happiness in other areas. And though time was ticking away and I'm older and I probably wouldn't be able to have a good chance at having a another child now, I'm not upset by it. I'm going to school I have friends and I'm doing the best to live my best life. Coming out of these situations, I have learned to respect myself. As a result I expect others to respect me the same.
The past is what brought you to where you are today. It's what you do today that will shape your tomorrow. You have a choice. And for a long time my choice was to pretend like I didn't have a choice. Caused a lot of Chaos in my life because of it. My past doesn't Define me my actions and my behavior now Define me. I want the same to be for you. My motto in life is you have to do what you got to do to be where you want to be. There's no working around it. It's almost like that story going on a bear hunt. You got to go through a lot of crap to get to your destination. And when you get there the destination might not be what you want it to be. So you go back and you start again and eventually you find your happy space. Sending you many hugs and peace.

Oh as far as him pulling strings to get you a job, you have a job now. If you get fired, you now have experience. I would start looking for a job doing what you do now but a different company. This way he can't Lord that over your head anymore. Go find yourself an apartment and rent out with a roommate. Not sure where you're at in the world but if there is like a place online for your renting with a roommate for a short time until you can get to where you want to be or maybe a family member even if it's not your favorite family member, take them up on it. It ought to be better than the situation you're in now. You deserve peace and happiness

Is it just me or did some of the previous posts muddle your situation then offer you advice?

a reply to: Shoshanna

It could be worse, the feller could be using your face to straighten the door frame.

Your rage is understandable. It will pass.

a reply to: Shoshanna

Sho--

It saddened me to read of your troubles.

You are articulate and a clear thinker; that comes across in your comments.

From what you have described, you are also a strong individual and succeed in what you strive at.

No mistake about it, you are in a brutal emotional patch, but I believe you will come out of this situation stronger and with a renewed sense of personal mission.

Never forget, the best "revenge" is simply to live well.

And if you wish to have a 1-on-1 discussion about this or any other topic, feel free to drop me a PM.

Cheers, --Cav

First, the sad fact is you can only trust yourself.

Second, you are far too young to throw in the towel. You can have a huge second wind in life.

Third, it might be very hard to do. BUT......

You will do fine. I overcame plenty. SO CAN YOU! I'm now in my sixties, and LIFE IS GREAT.

a reply to: Shoshanna

a reply to: Shoshanna

At 36 your still quite young, you can start a fresh if need be, you can have kids if you want too, I get the impression you don’t though, maybe your didn’t because your husband didn’t until now?

As far your husband goes, it’s sounds like he is going through an early mid life crisis, wanting to start a family out of nowhere, taking an interest in much younger women, he’s lost in himself and can’t see your his rock. You need to sit down and have serious heart to heart talk with him. It might lead to a breakup but so be it. Better to cut ties now, than linger on in hope things will somehow work themselves out.

Please join me in no longer taking any # from anyone.

I did this a long time ago, just remember it works both ways and you need to be happy in your own company.

a reply to: Shoshanna

No doubt that's a rough one but may I suggest you made a poor decision in who to marry? And he did too.

I have to chuckle a little when people get about your ages and realize what life is about. Sometimes only one realizes it and it destroys the marriage (as seems to be the case here).

I will say this, it's good you don't have children. You can both walk away and the only harm is to one another. But you are about to learn a lesson men are taught from the time they start dating. It's all half his now. His name doesn't need to be on anything and it's still all half his. So if you think you're going to walk away scot free, leaving him broke, you're wrong. The life you've built with him is half his in the eyes of the law. Half of all the property is his. That includes retirement savings. Homes. Vehicles. Even debt.

But here is my humble suggestion (which you didn't ask for and won't care for): consider having a kid or two. You'll realize just how meaningless the rest of your life has been if you do it.

a reply to: Shoshanna

Your husband is clearly going through a mid-life crisis.
The best thing you can do now is to take care of yourself.

My GF is out of town, absence does make the heart grow fonder. I was so busy on VD that I didn't even call her that day. I made it better by apologizing with a bank transfer to help finance her trip. I was going to send her money regardless, and she knows that. It's really about how we have been together for better than 26 years now and have supported each other through the worst of times to get where we are now.

We got through the worst of my shenanigans, and there were some good ones, raised two kids into reasonable adults, and have a grandchild now. Things will ultimately play out the way they will and you just have to live the best way you can to be able to live with yourself in the moment.

originally posted by: Dalamax
Is it just me or did some of the previous posts muddle your situation then offer you advice?

a reply to: Shoshanna

It could be worse, the feller could be using your face to straighten the door frame.

Your rage is understandable. It will pass.

Yay! Let's bring spousal abuse to a situation where there is none, that ought to "unmuddle" the situation.

That's a completely different level, spousal abuse is real and happens all the time, conversely, people in marriages are falsely accused of abuse all the time too.

Regardless not sure how adding an unmentioned aspect helps Shoshanna at all. just saying...

If you were to think of your life as a pine forest, you could think of the fire as a way to pave the way for a better forest if not healthier forest. There is nothing wrong with endings, as they always lead to new beginnings. Spending $60.00 on booze is nothing, when you buy Vodka by the case in order to stockpile it for a post apocalypse barter society.

That being said, You are young enough to start your life over completely. I did it when I turned 48, so you can do it at 36. It’s not hard. It’s just that strange feeling of being untethered and ungrounded that makes it scary. You build a life with someone only to have it reduced to ashes, and then have to try to figure out how to redefine yourself as your own person. You can do it, you got this.

Having loved and lost, I know a bit about building a life with someone only to have it utterly destroyed. Never let this world grind you down, and never beat yourself up. There’s a line around the block just waiting for the chance to get their punches in, so never be unkind to yourself.

Anyway, the best thing you can do for yourself is create a life that is exclusively for you, and anyone who walks into your world, will only enhance it, as you would enhance theirs. Look for that dynamic and I promise you, you will never go a day without knowing who you are, where you stand, or if that other person loves you. Because they chose to be with you, and did not need you.

That’s the amazing thing about necessity, and desire. I have car insurance out of necessity, yet I have a 1997 Jeep that I love to drive, and will probably never sell. I choose to drive that pos because it augments my life. While not the best analogy, it is a pretty good metric for how much bull# someone is willing to put up with in a relationship. If you have ever owned a jeep, then you know what I am talking about.

a reply to: Shoshanna

originally posted by: Shoshanna
Korn, album: Untouchables, Song: Thoughtless. Volume: Maximum.

Standing up for yourself can be hard. Sometimes people will try and strongly discourage you from standing up for yourself. But this goes hand in hand with the old saying if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. And maybe also the buck stops here and you should not care who that offends.

I have spent a large portion of my life doing what other people kind of intimidated me into doing. Sure, there were brief moments of balls here and there, but only when the alternative to that was something worse.

I forget who said it, but I've made myself very small.

Now as my life crumbles into ash around me, I think I need to find a voice.

My job, Done. Worked there a long time. My boss legit lied to my face. Looked me in the eyes and lied. it doesn't matter about what. I take it seriously because I value integrity. Now I am done. You will not treat me as though I am stupid and so I am done.

Of course my husband has a problem with this. A big one. But ya know, I think he lost his right to have an opinion about anything I #ing do at this point.

Maybe influencing this is the fact that after 16 years of marriage, it was all a mirage. Out of nowhere, never mentioning this before and seeming so happy this entire time, being the most loving and wonderful person to me decided that he is very unhappy. Hes not unhappy with me, but he is unhappy with me. He can't make up his mind he doesn't know what he wants. He says some pretty hurtful stuff and on valentines day too. Stuff that is just living rent free in my head and will forevermore.

I've had things happen before. My life has not been a cake walk. I just dont know right now though. I'm just so tired. Maybe I'm just too old to keep #ing going at this point. I'm 36 hehe and its been a rough 36 years. The prospect of the next 30 is not very appealing to me at this particular point.

I feel totally gaslit and like the entire past 16 years were all just lies from him. Now out of nowhere I'm so irritating. I'm unattractive, he wants an open relationship, he didn't mean that though when he said it, he actually told me that he just said that because he wants a way out of this relationship. He wants to have sex with this girl and that. He could get this girl so easily. At 38 he's decided he NEEDS A BABY NOW! And since he's never even mentioned wanting kids I wanted to talk about that because that is a huge change. He didn't want to talk about that. He wanted to cry LEGIT SOBBING PEOPLE about how he's sick to his stomach about how bad he wants kids and it makes him so sick he can't even talk about it! He sees kids at work and it makes his stomach start burning and makes him start crying because he just wants a kid so #ing bad.

Where do I think the baby fixation started? He works with this guy who is a fundamental Christian. Shortly after having a conversation in which this guy asked whether we have kids is when this started. He even told me about this conversation. This guy told him that he almost left his wife because they thought she was infertile and literally the only, most important thing to him was having kids, so they were in the process of divorcing and then all of a sudden she was sick and turned out she was pregnant. So all was well and they reconciled. Well I'm sorry, I am not a brood mare. My only use is not pumping out kids for some man and everybody is different and I totally respect these points of view, but it is a bit repugnant to me personally. But anywho I think this guy, actually I'm sure this guy got into my husband's head with this because my husband has never ever not once expressed any interest in having children. Ever. He has even remarked several times over the years about how he's so glad we don't have kids because we can do whatever we want whenever and not have to worry about much.

Now everyday he is making all these comments about how his life is pointless because he doesn't have kids.

I know how he is so I don't say anything in response. I just let him say whatever. So since I have had a terrible #ing day and I'm probably going to start breaking # if I don't get this off my chest, here is what I want to say to this feckless sack of # who has wasted the prime years of my life with fakery and #ing bull#.

Without me, you wouldn't have a place to live. The house is mine. Your name is on nothing here. Without me, you wouldn't have a job. I pulled strings and got your job for you. I have supported you in many ways for many years when you did not have a job. You contributed nothing. I had to sell my parent's house because of you. I loved you and was willing to do all these things for you and if you think you will be so much better off with all these 20 year old girls you work with you think you can woo and # so easily, have at it bud. The grass is green where you #ing water it dip#.

Please join me in no longer taking any # from anyone.

People hit crisis points for many reasons at many points in their lives. It sounds to me like he has hit one and you have too. No need for an end of the world scenario. Talk it out frankly. Decide if you want to be a part of trying to fix it. If you do and he does great. If one of you doesn’t then walk away. Not easy but doors open and life has a way of throwing good and bad curveballs. Talk first though and talk straight.

Hey Sho,

In a previous life I knew a Shoshanna. This woman was a legit rock star...beautiful, energetic, caring and intelligent.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a difficult time. There will no doubt be good advice here but I'll just say to follow your heart and don't let you or anyone else devalue yourself. It's easy to fall into that trap but the rock star traits don't go anywhere.

Rocky Balboa said it best: "It's not how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward".

Cheers,
Roma

a reply to: Shoshanna

Are you the Shoshanna that had the staring role in our first feature film? ...you were brilliant in that role.

If so you made it to Amazon Prime, Vudu, and Tubi.

a reply to: Shoshanna

Buy yourself a viborator , problem solved and up his life insurance to the max just incase he has a nasty accident or something then lye in that bath like Tony soprano and get on these dating sites ,

But 37 is old for having kids after such a long marriage, maybe you should have had them earlier in the marriage? ?? .

Throw him out for a while after you bump up the insurance and let nature take its course

I'm not taking sides, but I understand completely the kid thing. I want a child so bad because that's what makes life worth living. But I am single. And I can't adopt ever in this lifetime because I was caught with a speck of drugs 20 years ago which disqualifies you forever. Even as a guy with a masters in child psych and tons of experience working with kids. My states CPS was shut down entirely when it was discovered that one in three kids in the system is being regularly raped or beaten. But that's better than giving someone to me. Not even a special needs kid. Not even an over 8 years old kid which makes for a 0% likelihood of adoption any other way. My partying 20 years back means a rapist is better for them than I am. And the prospect of being alone, dying alone, it is terrifying. Work just to keep myself alive then one day be too sick to be alone and get put alone into some county nursing home...why would I stick around for that!? I get what he means. Theres nothing else in life if youre all alone without kids....