Pattern of behaviour

Just wanted to share my experience of the dating scene over the years.

My wife and I were discussing the issues we both had before we met and there is a definite pattern.

In my teens, i had a few girls that said they like me but wouldn't go out with me. I wasn't worried as I was young and there plenty of girls around.

I started working at 18 in an office and one girl really took to me and would tell the other girls how much she like me and wished I was with her at night-time. We talked and she said yes she really liked me but when I asked her out she said no. I moved on.

Another girl from the office asked me out, she was a few years older but we got on well. We went out for lunch, Then a few drinks after work.
While chatting she mentioned she was engaged. I was taken aback at this. We met up a few times until she suddenly stopped responding to me.
I backed off and didn't chase her. We never spoke again.

Same office, another girl started talking to me, just friendly but I was thinking do I try or not? We bumped into each other at lunchtime in town, briefly chatted then went our separate ways. Later, in work, she sent me a message saying she was a bit upset that I didn't spend my lunch hour with her and left her standing. I sent her one back saying I didn't realise and if she wanted to meet for lunch. No response.

We said hello in passing a few times in the office and she would smile, wave etc. I mentioned the last message and how she hadn't responded. She said she never recieved it.

Next day, I was taken into the managers office. She had made a complaint. I was harassing her and making her uncomfortable. I showed him the message she sent me and the one I sent back. That was the end of it

I basically stopped at that point. This all happened in the space of 6 months. It did change me as it was all getting a bit confusing.

Over the years I had a lot of similar incidents.

On a night out, a colleague admitted she really liked me but after that she wouldn't look me in the eye so I left it alone.
One girl touched me up a few times on a night out and made it clear what she wanted. It was a fun night but she was in a relationship and never mentioned it again.
Another told me how lonely she was, lived alone and would just love someone to arrive unannounced at her place. I thought, nope. That's not happening. A good few years later, I met up with an old friend who I used to work with. We shared stories and this came up. She said the same to him and he took her up on it. It was a wild night!

And then, a girl I was working closely with for a few years suddenly started avoiding me. I knew something was wrong right away. We had mutual friends she still spoke to but avoided me. So, I avoided her. This went on for almost a year until I overheard my colleagues discussing her and saying how rotten it was what she had done to me. I had no idea what was going on.

I spoke to my boss and he admitted she had approached her boss to make a complaint about me and I was making her uncomfortable. He came to my boss to discuss it. He backed me up saying she was always over at my desk, I never went to hers. She would bring me coffee, muffins and generally chat while crouched at my desk. He asked what exactly did I do to make her uncomfortable? She couldn't say. So, he never came to me with it. It turned out she made 7 complaints about guys in the office, including my boss.

In between, I had a very busy social life and was out after work most nights, in the club every weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday nights.

Where I live there was a handful of rock pubs and one rock club. So, we all new each other. Same faces every week.

A regular would text me (before social media, whatsapp etc). Just to let me know which pub she would be in and we would meet. When I asked her out, just us and not all our friends it was a no. But she always looked for me, sent her friends to look for me and see who I was talking to etc.
If I did hook up with someone she would be in tears and her friends would give me dirty looks and attitude.

Another regular would hang around me every week, dance beside me, trail her hand around me walking by. I eventually went for it and she went nuts because I took too long, grabbed a random guy and started sucking his face.

So, by mid 20's I had never had a long term relationship. 4 months was the longest, and she left me when I found out on the weekends we were not together, she was touring the country following a famous singer (One hit wonder in the early 90's). She and her friends would meet up with his band, and 'party' with them. Her friend dropped her in it by telling a 'funny story' about how my girlfriend stepped in when she refused to service one of the tour crew. Still, it was a fun few months and she did buy me a lot of gifts. One i still treasure to this day (an Alice in Chains CD).

I met a girl in another club I started going to, to meet new people. She was really nice but in a relationship with an older man. She wouldn't give me her number, but would stay with me the whole night in the club, hold my hand, introduced me to her brothers etc. Then one night she was gone. All her friend would say is she wouldn't come out anymore.

There are many other similar incidents that generally end up the same. Either they throw themselves at me then back right off or flirt to the point of them telling me how much the like me, I make a move and then they back off.

I even had a 'fictional relationship' with a colleague for months. She told all the other girls how we would meet at weekends, go back to her place and the physical side was amazing. Sounds good, but it never happened and no-one believed me. She even told them we hooked up in the women's toilets on the top floor of the office. Again, no one believed me when I said it never happened. She then told everyone who would listen what a bad man I was and had dumped her for no reason.

Although it sounds like a tragic tale, I had a few pleasant encounters over the years. Nothing long lasting. My friends were all the same.

I met my wife as I hit 30 and we've been together 14 years now with 3 amazing kids. It was all an experience and it did affect how I interacted with women over the years.

There probably is a good few more that I don't remember and I will end on one that I was the bad person.

My good friend really liked one of the barmaids in the club. One night, she was out with her friends and we bumped into them. We were just chatting, she asked me back to her place in front of everyone. My friend just looked at me.

I said, thanks for the offer but we've only just met. I don't even know your name. She was shocked and stormed off.
My friend put his hand on mu shoulder and nodded.

Later, she came up to me and shouted 'You B*stard!'. I felt really bad and still think about that night.

Thanks for reading.

a reply to: Nostranova
Looks like you had your fair share with crazy.

Can not do it right for such people ever. IDK what expectations they had lol. Either you were too slow or too fast. Or not wanting to help the other one cheating. Speaks for you that you did not.

But it works the other way around too:
Last year around this time the guy that used to be my suspension dealer contact, who I also seen and worked with before when I toured different shops and garages for collecting enough practice time for my engine master class asked me out. I had a good feeling although I knew he maybe a bit too tame for me but I thought, maybe that's the reason why it never worked with guys.

Guy seemed very down to Earth, polite and smart, also handsome looking. It was lockdown time so we could not go out but hung around in the chillout in my shop, listened to music, talked and had a good time. I had no intention to hesitate about anything but we came close now and then. I also liked how he smelled naturally and he said I am funny and attractive and that he likes me a lot.

The first warning sign should have been, when he invited me for dinner and his parents were there. I mean, it was our 5th meeting and first time in his private space and he brings in his parents. As if we were in a relationship or something. His mother really did not like me because of how I look (hair color, non-visible tattoos but somehow she knew), also my job. "Not the ways of a fine woman" was one of her comments. His father was more chilled. He didn't say or had a lot to say but he was nice. I liked his dad. But I think he had no rights at home either.

Was a bit strange, that evening. Fast forward another week as I got sick after the first jab for a few days, he invites me for coffee. We didn't came close to kissing or anything, not even snuggling before but I started to like him and even had a warm feeling in my stomach and heart. Like something started emotionally. That was in mid December. We sit there in his kitchen and chat and then my phone notified me I got a new message. I ignored it but he said it's okay to look. I unlock my phone and see I got new messages on a.. let's call it dating portal for adults (not tinder, different).

At that moment, IDK if he seen the icon or whatever, he starts getting angry. Remember, before the guy was really friendly, soft and not showing any aggression. He pulls out his phone and shows me a screenshot of my profile there. I am like "and now, where's the problem? We're not in a relationship, besides I am not active there since we meet". That made him really angry and he accused me of being someone whoring around.

To make clear, I am not whoring around, it's not sex that I search for, on that platform/portal. I have a little daughter and I am not the type to have intimate relationship with a complete stranger and actually prefer women but anyways. I stood up, shouldered my bag and pocketed the phone and said it's better I leave now, because I am none of these things. And it's not his business snooping around. He got that from his friend. But I never saw that friend, so go figure dear reader. It's getting better....

I leave and while I approach my car he shouts from his window how disappointed he is. I had to take a few seconds in the car for myself because I was really hurt. Just started to open myself up emotionally and then this. During driving, I started to tear up so I stopped at a forest road to collect myself. Around two minutes later, he comes by (how did he know where I was?) and starts to excuse himself but I just gave him the middle finger. Then I thought I can outsmart him by waiving him over so he get's out the car, and launched off when I was 2m away, so I can get distance before he is able to get inside his own car again.

But I had another bad feeling, so I went to my IT guy and got my phone checked. I know this was a mistake, I should have gone to the police, but at that point I did not know really. Later this would lead to the state attorney not accepting it as evidence. I did not follow through on that but I really regret not going to the police right away.

The IT guy then setup my telephone in a way he could see everything going in and out. Like TCPdumping a network but for phones. Spyware!!! I have no idea how he did that but then I am also not paranoid and watching my phone all the time, I generally trust people to a certain level.

This boiled inside me and I had to confront him. Another mistake of mine. I rang his bell and he came down, I wanted to ask him why the # he does something like that. He starts to approach me and I retreat, but into the wrong direction. Felt comfortable because I am doing WingTsun for years though. He put his arm on the wall in a way I would not be able to get away. But I tried and then he punched me into the face, directly without warning. I blackouted for a split second and lost orientation but got away from him. He then grabbed me from behind and tried to choke me but I could get him on my back and roll off to the side, I fell onto him and must have bruised a rip doing that.

We ended up on the floor fighting and luck for me I could get away a bit. But then he grabbed my foot and tried to drag me over the gravel. I had my S3 safety shoes and launched the heal into his face, broke his eyesocket I learned later. Two guys come jumping over the fence and drag him off me, one started to beat the puke out of him instantly but I could make him stop.

The other guy helped me wash the blood out of my face, that was coming from the nose and the lip that hit a tooth when he punched me. Scratched all over and bruises. It went to court but that was settled. I got some blame for approaching him, was the reason. Should have just stayed away and not seek an explanation why he bugs my phone and go to the police.

I did a lot things wrong, but one thing I swore to myself that my trust level is very low in future when it comes to guys. The mistake began when I went to the IT guy, I should have went to the police directly with my suspicion about how he knows my details on that platform and how he could find me that fast, standing on that forest road.

He lost his job btw. I called his boss and said I want someone else in future to show up for suspensions. Not said anything more but I know he lost his job. His boss probably asked him why he looks like that and fired him.

Gotta love my luck with guys, really.

Sounds like a lot of mind/control games. I think just about 90% of the population must be narcissistic, or maybe it's perfectly normal for humans to add so sh*tty.
Luckily I have stepped away from 'dating', so much better to accept it's better without.
I certainly don't miss it!

A pattern I spotted in reading your story was the crossover from your work life into your dating pool.

I've always had this rule: Don't s**t where you eat.

A relationship will always have it's drama, there's no point in bringing that into work.

Even in a low drama relationship, when you date a coworker, you two will always be on top of each other, there is no reprieve.

This rule works twofold.
It gives you something to look forward going home to at the end of the workday and it brings you to the status of unattainable.

People always want what they can't have. With an, "I don't date coworkers" mentality it makes you irresistible therefore boosting your confidence and output.

Only once have I caved in and dated someone that I had previously worked with but I put my 2 weeks in and found another job before we made it official.

a reply to: Nostranova

That's a lot of weird experiences...

I get the feeling you're a "happy go lucky" type in person? So I wonder if there's something about your appearance or demeanor that inspired such encounters.

The 'bad boy' look comes to mind... I've mostly had the opposite experiences in life and I've been accused of being "bf material" or worse a few times. Women can have crazy thoughts on relations too and can be equally as blind and dumb as us males.

If it doesn't do what it says on the tin then maybe stop reading books by their cover. It's what comes to mind. A lot of people don't see settling down and fun as the same thing in relationships.

I could be way off though...

The one's who last and achieve it all are good friends with their lovers, so I could be right. I could be hammering screws and making a pigs ear of things too!

Nice thread, I'm glad you found a long-term relationship

a reply to: Nostranova

Damn that sounds like my life.
Just spent nine months with someone who has gone dark overnight.
A handful of relationships in the past that have gone to same way.
Solidarity Brother.

a reply to: ancientlight

Sounds like a lot of mind/control games. I think just about 90% of the population must be narcissistic, or maybe it's perfectly normal for humans to add so sh*tty.

My thaughts exactly, at times I wonder if there is more to it. Sometimes I wonder if it's their only viable way to get things done, as if they need us to do their bidding...

a reply to: TDDAgain

Wow, that's crazy. I'm so sorry for your experience.

It's easy to think back and say you made mistakes but likely no matter what you did, the outcome would be the same

My wife had a similar experience. Her ex boyfriend mentally and physically abused her. The mental abuse was constant and got worse over time. That escalated to physical abuse, she walked as soon as that started. She says the same, she made mistakes and should have done some things differently.

She was still being harassed when we met, he would spam her phone with pictures to the extent it wouldn't work. She had to call the network to block him. He would turn up outside her work and send her flowers and balloons.

I had to step in and threaten him. He backed off after that.
She did report him to the police and they had a chat with him but not much else.

He lost several jobs over this tho as my wife's brother is very influential with a lot of contacts. Anytime he applied for a job in a certain industry, they would let him get so far through the process then tell him no. I followed this up with a message letting him know his past would always stay with him. He moved away eventually.

a reply to: CloneFarm1000

Yes, it was lesson that took a while to learn. The problem was I was young, entered the adult world in a place that had a majority of under 25's who all wanted to have fun so we socialised quite regular.

As I got older i kept that side separate.

I did decline a few invitations in the workplace and as you say, that made me more of an interesting target, a man of mystery.

One incident that comes back to me tho. A girl I worked with started turning up in the pubs and the club. She was quite attractive.

We sat and talked for a while in the club. I kept it friendly and casual tho and eventually we parted.

A few days later she messaged me saying she was organising a night out and asked if I would be there. I said i would try.

I didn't go.

The following week I was in the club, talking to my friends, when a guy I worked with came over to say hello. I was a bit surprised as this was a rock club and he was a part-time DJ that was into dance and techno music. This was not his scene.

So, I asked what are you doing in here? Oh i'm in with Mandy, she likes it here. I turned round and there she was, just standing, staring. No smile, no acknowledgement. Just staring.

I said, excellent. She seems nice.

Apparently they met at the night out she organised. This was the first official date.

My friends recognised her. Isn't that.....Yes, yes it is my friends.

They got married a few years later and last I heard they divorced not long after.

a reply to: RAY1990

Yeah, you are right. I'm quite laid back and not a lot bothers me. I like to enjoy life and remain happy. Someone says no? Fine, i'll leave you alone and keep moving.

And yes, I did have the bad boy look. It wansn't intentional. Before rock music was popular I was one of the few with a leather jacket. I had longer than normal hair but not rock star long. I just like that look.
Many girls said to me to cut my hair as it brought out my eyes. Nope, not happening.

I also have a good sense of humour and can make most people laugh with my observations and world views.

But, I wouldn't say I was attractive. Average looking. I don't make women fall at my feet but once they get to know me, they really like me.

One girl did say to me tho, I'm really attracted to you. Other girls might not be, but I am.

That made me laugh. Not the response she was looking for.

a reply to: Cymru

Solidarity.

My only advice is don't dwell on it. Move on and keep your head up. If I let my head go own I would never have met my wife.

It is hard sometimes but just remember, you are you and you're amazing.

Your location has just given me a flashback as well.

Me and my best friend went to Wales for the weekend for something different. We ended up in Rhyl in a B&B.

We went to a hotel, I think. It had some entertainment and dancing. We met some girls. We talked, drank and I ended up on the dancefloor.

I don't dance, but there I was, dancing. Then slow-dancing. Never done that before.

All of a sudden, she ran. Grabbed her jacket and out the door.

The whole room was watching me. That'll be a no then I said. A loud cheer echoed the room.
Her friends said she was a bit emotional and not to worry. They came back to the B&B with us, 3 of them and 2 of us.
They were on a Hen night and we were the entertainment.

I got back to work on the Tuesday. Everyone was looking at me. Some guys came over. You dog!

She had tracked me down to the place I worked. I must have told her who I worked for. She left messages in different offices for me apologising and asking to get in touch, these messages were passed around until they reached my department. The office was buzzing with the gossip.

I never did get back in touch. Never been back to Wales either.

We did go to Nottingham, Rock City, a few years later and got talking to a bunch of guys from Rhyl. I told the story of the running girl. They asked, was her name Leanne?

Yes!

She had previous, anytime she got close to a guy she would do a runner. Expecting them to go chasing after her.

I just seem to be able to find them.

a reply to: Nostranova

I know my temperament, that I can have at times. My comment about making mistakes was more into the direction of how I handled it. I should not have started a private investigation and should not have confronted him. That was laid out as provocation. I got away with a bruised face and elbow, he got a cracked eyesocket and a bruised rip, plus what the guy did to him until I could stop him.

Although it's very questionable if the Police would have acted on my suspicions because of a found profile and him knowing where I was on that forest road. There was no physical harm done up to that moment. There is plausible deniability, that's what my lawyer said to me in the aftermath. He sued, I sued, it was settled because of these circumstances. Lawyers advice.

My wife had a similar experience. Her ex boyfriend mentally and physically abused her. The mental abuse was constant and got worse over time. That escalated to physical abuse, she walked as soon as that started. She says the same, she made mistakes and should have done some things differently.

She was still being harassed when we met, he would spam her phone with pictures to the extent it wouldn't work. She had to call the network to block him. He would turn up outside her work and send her flowers and balloons.

I had to step in and threaten him. He backed off after that.
She did report him to the police and they had a chat with him but not much else.

He lost several jobs over this tho as my wife's brother is very influential with a lot of contacts. Anytime he applied for a job in a certain industry, they would let him get so far through the process then tell him no. I followed this up with a message letting him know his past would always stay with him. He moved away eventually.

What an obsessive asshole that guy must be. It's good that you stood up for you now-wife, maybe he was not the man he thought he was, spineless. Looks like as soon as he had someone that could defend, he moved on.

a reply to: TDDAgain

Sending you a pm.

a reply to: Nostranova

Don't let one experience sully Wales. Rhyl though

a reply to: 19Bones79

Backed into your yard with a truckload of words and just unloaded them in front of your door

a reply to: Nostranova

I hate to say it, but, many women use the workplace as a means of getting ahead, and not by earning a living. The rules are so slanted in their direction its really not fair at all. Workplace harassment complaints are very common and are quite often unsubstantiated. That doesn't mean there aren't any dirt bags out there doing stuff they shouldn't, but not nearly as many as there are registered complaints.

I have a relative who is a VP in a very big company. After a complaint had been filed people were required to take training on sensitivity and so on. The upper management were given additional training on what constitutes a violation, how to handle it when someone makes a claim, etc. All the things the average employee wouldn't have to deal with. He told me some very interesting things about it.

The one that really made me mad was a scenario where two guys were talking. One wanted to tell a slightly salty joke. Then went into a conference room, closed the door behind them, and went to the far end of the room where the joke was practically whispered. A woman outside the conference room was curious as to what was happening so she crept over, put her ear against the door and listened. She heard something that offended her and made a complaint. The two men were held accountable and received disciplinary actions against them.

Even though the woman went out of her way to hear a private conversation, she still heard something that offended her because the men didn't take great enough precautions to prevent it.

I had a complaint entered against me once also. This was back around the first time a multi-state lottery got up around 250 million. I was the one who was gathering the money for the office lotto pool and buying the tickets. I asked one day if anyone knew of more people who wanted in and someone suggested asking the receptionist. The next thing I knew, I was in the Director of Nuclear Engineering' office explaining why I was harassing the receptionist!

Want to know what my big harassment was all about? I asked her if she wanted to play "Powerball". She apparently thought it was something sexual...

a reply to: Nostranova

I find with an honest approach we tend to get what we're asking for. Some people want to be changed you know?

One girl did say to me tho, I'm really attracted to you. Other girls might not be, but I am.

That made me laugh. Not the response she was looking for.

Yeah but was she attracted to you or what she figured she might make you into? First impressions are illusory at best, if we start believing in them than what does that make us? Its all funny to me.

I've knew a few women over the years who wanted a bad boy but needed a man and they never found either with a head full of that nonsense. The scales of impression are a dodgy set imho. Probably something to do with the approach...