What do you do? (suicide attempts and calls for help)

Okay about an hour ago i received a mail from a good friend who has a history of attempted suicide.

The last time she told me she was going to seriously try i had the police go to her house to check on her and thankfully she was not too bad and was taken to hospital and helped.

She was extremely mad at me and made me promise never to call the police or medics again.

I received another mail far more disturbing than the last and even though i promised i would do nothing if she said anything like that again, i sent the cops round again to check on her.

Did i do the right thing to break our promise or did i not, why would she tell me that if she didnt need or want saving!? I see it like id rather she was alive and angry at me than gone forever. (shes very nice, delightful person)

This is not a joke, this is not a wind up and i accept any charges from the police if shes playing some horrible disgusting joke and i wasted their time, im worried for my friend.

Im writing this as i wait for feed back from the police as a distraction. Did i do the right thing by betraying a promise? Or am i a *bleep* for disrespecting her wishes as her friend?

please no jokes, insults or anything other than sincere comments.

B

I think you did the right thing here. People who are serious about suicide aren't thinking straight and expecting you to keep a promise like that, during a time like that is unacceptable IMO. If she didn't really want to be helped, she would not burden you with emails explaining what she was going to do. That's a bad spot to put someone in.

Those who are absolutely ready to go rarely give warning. They are there and then they aren't. Those who are crying out for help do what your friend is doing and I think you made the right decision.

a reply to: Biigs

I think you did the right thing. Look at it this way, if she had committed suicide and you hadn't tried to help, you would spend the rest of your life regretting that decision. At least I would. Hopefully, she will get to a place where she can
see that your intentions were out of concern and caring for a friend. If she is a true friend, you should tell her it's not fair to you to put you in that place.

I hope she gets to a good place where she doesn't feel like this anymore.

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe

Thank you, i agree i think. She might not, im not after thanks and i dont care if she hates me and we are no longer friends, shes too nice of a person for the world to be without. To be perfectly honest id take her place if it meant she would be okay till old age catches up as it should.

Its 4am and i need to sleep but until i find out if shes okay, i wont be going anywhere.

She is putting you in a position you probably don't want to be in anyway, sure call on her anyway. it could be the difference between life and death? At least you are doing what you can right?

I wouldn't mind trying out my psychic abilities on this one. I do feel something. Wanna play?

You did the right thing in ringing up the police to go check on her .. with luck they get there before she does anything ..

Though if someone truly determined to kill themselves nothing anyone says or does will stop them ...

Hope that she gets the help she needs and is ok ..

The mail read:

"ive spent the last week making repeated suicide attempts.and failing.. tonight is my big night. im so sorry i couldnt have been a better friend.. youve been amazing.. i was just to quiet, and awkward and weird.. im sorry"

This disturbed me to my very core, despite my promise i felt i MUST act on it, she didnt joke last time and this seems so much more clear and determined.

Im going out of my mind with this

Well done. You received a note of intention and acted on it which is what caring people do. I think your dilemma lies rather in making promises you have no intention of keeping. To have a good friendship with someone, it should be based in honesty. In your place I would let her yell and scream and throw that promise back in my face, shrug it off and tell her I will not make such a promise again. Because believe it or not, I've been in that situation with someone. You cannot take responsibility for her future life and what she will do with it. My best advice is to not let guilt or intimidation rule your actions. My mantra in those days six years ago was to act correctly and firmly. Remember that if she calls on you when she's down, it's because she sees you as the stronger one. All the best.

originally posted by: Biigs
The mail read:

"ive spent the last week making repeated suicide attempts.and failing.. tonight is my big night. im so sorry i couldnt have been a better friend.. youve been amazing.. i was just to quiet, and awkward and weird.. im sorry"

This disturbed me to my very core, despite my promise i felt i MUST act on it, she didnt joke last time and this seems so much more clear and determined.

Im going out of my mind with this

I'll make a guess. She is under 25, chubby, has pink or vibrant dye'd hair, has hand or face tattoo's and piercing's, possibly has a history of cutting as well? her name might be janet, jaclyn or jamie?

a reply to: aboutface

I hear what you are saying, but is it justifiable to lie to a friend to allow them to be honest and save them?

If i tell her i cant promise she wont tell me and i wont be able to save her.

Its a super duper catch 22

a reply to: Biigs

You handled that professionally.
Promises to the mentally ill are moot.
It is different than taking an Oath of Clear Mind
to another individual sworn to be of sound mind.
Good for you.

S&F

a reply to: Biigs

If she's writing you an email she's crying out for help. Unfortunately there's not much more you can do for her besides be a friend to her. You can encourage her to get help, but she won't until a time comes (if ever) that she wants to seriously get help. I was in her place a decade ago, I still have not received any useful help... but I got over trying to kill myself and accepted how I am. If she's made 'numerous' attempts then she is seriously sick of being alive but not ready to end it all. You did the right thing. They will commit her for a few days or weeks and get her started on medication. I personally am generally against medicating mental conditions, but it does work for some people. Certainly, if they've reached a point where they are repeatedly hurting themselves then drugs can make things better in the near term.

It is going to eat you up. It is very difficult to be friends with people who are that depressed. I am down to about 3 myself and I try to never let them know how bad it is (which means I rarely speak to them...)

Just be there for her, and call an ambulance when necessary... though really if it were possible (and I don't know your situation) I would have went over there in person before calling people to take her away. She may very well get very mad at you, but she will realize that you did it because you care about her... I remember when I was 15, an internet friend (the internet was a very different place, circa 1995) called my parents when I had OD'd and very much saved me from being in a substantially worse (but likely non fatal) situation. And in 2001 my girlfriend had me hospitalized in another OD attempt which, again, would not have been fatal but could have damaged my internal organs.

You did the right thing... if she does end up recovering from her depression, she will be endlessly thankful for what you did to save her life.

eta:

I agree with several others... if she really, truly does want to die she isn't going to let anyone know beforehand. She wanted you to help her, even if she gets upset afterward.

a reply to: Biigs

It is possible she told you precisely because she knew you would intervene. I hope she is able to climb out of this tunnel she is in and stay well. You acted as a good friend.

a reply to: Biigs

I just reread your post. I disagree that it's a catch 22. It only is if you are assuming responsibility for her life, and no one can do that for another except a parent, which you are not to her. I suggest you redefine the relationship and reset the boundaries together with her. She has to answer for her actions and cannot expect you to be coerced into a phony relationship.


No lies, no manipulation, because then you are entering a *game* if you do. If you declare your intention to be there for her without being duped into compromises, because otherwise it's artificial and underneath she knows it isn't sincere, then she is not assuming responsibility. What are you to her after all, a friend or someone who cons/uses you? You have the right to demand that you be treated with dignity and respect, and above all honesty. The relationship needs to be upped a notch.

I think she want's attention more than anything else. If I ever got it in my head to self depart this reality and I were serious, I wouldn't call anyone, I'd just load up and go. You'll get clobbered again for failing to live up to your promise which includes you in the drama. Sometimes I think one has to evaluate relationships and some you just have to walk away from...Forever!

If she wanted you to do nothing she would not have gotten ahold of you. I'm sure you are being a good friend and I hope all goes well. Hopefully she will realize you are being a friend and maybe your friendship will be her awakening. I feel for you. I've talked some friends out of traveling down that path.

Okay thank you, i hope she #s up her attempt and the cops get there and save her.

Think whats going to crush me, selfishly, is that if she is mad, due to privacy laws i will never know what happens unless she chooses to tell me assuming shes okay.

Thank you for you support, while i feel a bit better about my betrayal, sadly i might never knew how it turns out without aggressive (and perhaps illegal) research.

originally posted by: minkmouse
I think she want's attention more than anything else. If I ever got it in my head to self depart this reality and I were serious, I wouldn't call anyone, I'd just load up and go. You'll get clobbered again for failing to live up to your promise which includes you in the drama. Sometimes I think one has to evaluate relationships and some you just have to walk away from...Forever!

This advice is GOLD. OP may have trouble seeing this through his worry and it's the exact advice I would give after I was sure she was ok from tonight's events.

There's a reason why most suicides are shocking and it isn't because someone threatened to do it for years before they actually succeeded. Most go without anyone ever suspecting it. When people really and truly want to exit this life, they don't reach out for help or someone to intercede. When they are done... they are simply done. It's tragic, but also the truth.

I do think some people genuinely want help and don't know any other way to get it, then there are those that do feed off the drama. The sickest part of that is they know people generally can not turn their backs for fear that the one time they do... they will have to live with the guilt forever. They use that and in doing so they put actual lives in danger because they get people used to "crying wolf", so then those who have been fooled before may not listen when the threat is real.

It's a catch 22 for sure. But your advice is sound and good and I hope OP can take it for what it is when his head is more clear.

I think you also have to evaluate yourself to be fair. Some people thrive on the kind of drama she offers, It helps to give meaning and purpose in a life that may be lacking the same. I'm not suggesting you fall into that category but it must become part of the equation.